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WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Natalie Portman; Artie Lange; and Brad Paisley. PLUS:Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Obama Still Doing Commercials; a Celebrity Testimonial for the Late Show Fun Facts Book; Late Show Fun Facts; and a Plea from the Late Show Writers Strike Captain.
" . . . and now, gracious loser . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1:
Monologue jokes:
"The election is over and 6% of the voters are still undecided."
"Obama won. They still haven't broken it to McCain."
Great Moments in Presidential Speeches:
" . . . as the old guy said, ‘we're not just a potted plant.'"
ACT 2:
Hey, just in case you haven't heard yet . . . . . the Late Show Fun Facts book is now on sale just in time for the holidays. I know Dave keeps quoting the $20 price but if you click onto the internet you can find it for less. And you can get it still cheaper if you simply slip it inside your jacket on your way out the bookstore.
Dave opens the award-winning book and reads some samples. I find the Fun Facts are funnier when you read them yourself.
But don't take Dave's word for brilliance of the Late Show Fun Facts book, look what this TV celebrity has to say about it.
We cut to a shot of Alec Baldwin holding the Late Show Fun Facts book.
Alec: "This collection is not just another book of hackneyed zingers; it's a once-in-a-lifetime literary gem that will mend the tattered bonds of the global community and make all mankind stand up and say, ‘Thanks, Dave.'"
Alec goes back to reading the book, then chuckles.
Alec: "Ha ha ha ha, delightful."
OK OK, so we paid him to say that, but it doesn't mean it's not true!!
For those of you who thought we'd be getting a break from campaign commercials, Dave has some bad news. We take a look at what Dave is referring to. Announce: "Although the election is over, Barack Obama still has millions of dollars left over. So he'll continue running negative commercials against people he doesn't like, such as . . . . . . Ryan Seacrest. You suck, Seacrest! Barack Obama: Oh, we're just getting started!"
And then Dave reads the batch of this week's Fun Facts. I'd print those read here but due to the phenomenal success of the Late Show Fun Facts book, I imagine a sequel will be coming out some day. With the economy the way it is, we can't afford to give them away for free.
ACT 3: TOP TEN: Things George W. Bush Wants to Accomplish While Still in Office
4. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel
3. See if Obama can take over sooner, like Tuesday.
NATALIE PORTMAN
She's an old friend with the show. Her first time here was when she was 13 years old.
November 28, 1994; Show #279. Guests: Jon Lovitz; Natalie Portman; and Luther Vandross. PLUS: Dave calls Joe G's Pizza and distracts Joe G while Paul steals Dave-likeness from in front of store and stashes it in a taxi cab; Thanksgiving Memory – Dave eating potatoes, gravy all over him; and it's Paul's 45th birthday.
Natalie grew up on Long Island here in New York and is back living with mommy and daddy. It was fun at first; good home-cooked meals . . . laundry being done for her . . . but it's starting to get on her nerves. Long Island can do that to a person.
Natalie is still a bit exhausted from the excitement of the election. She was busy campaigning for Barack Obama. She believes she may have turned a few votes his way but she was never able to turn her grandmother. Natalie threw everything she could at her but grandma wasn't budging. She probably felt more comfortable with someone close to her age.
Dave said whenever he goes to the polls he'll walk in to the voting booth and shut the curtain behind him. He'll then take off his pants, stick his head through the curtain waving the pants and ask the women manning the sign-in sheet, "Do you have this in a large?"
My joke every year is this: After I sign in, the woman will give me a number and told to stand in line. This year I was #249. I'll say, "Ooooh, gotta play that number tonight." They'll laugh, wish me luck, and then they'll talk amongst themselves about Bingo.
Natalie is a new pet owner, recently picking up a Yorkie at the East 110th Street Animal Shelter. Can her Yorkie do any tricks? Natalie says all it can do is go to the bathroom outside. Good gosh, what more would you want than that? You may not think it is much of a trick, but get a dog that won't go to the bathroom outside and you'll realize how talented Natalie's dog is.
Let's take a look at a clip. Although Natalie has nothing to promote, she has a clip. We watch a few seconds of dancing robots. Odd. It had nothing to do with anything.
ACT 4:
We take this moment for an important message from Late Show writer and Strike Captain, Bill Scheft.
Bill enters; stands center stage: SHEFT: "Hi, I'm Late Show writer and strike captain Bill Scheft. Like many of you, I'm excited by Tuesday's historic election results and I congratulate President-elect Barack Obama. However, as a comedy writer, I'm worried. For eight years we've been spoiled by the hapless floundering of George W. Bush. And for eight years before that, we did very well with world-class horndog Bill Clinton. So, please, Mr. Obama, play fair with America's comedy writers and occasionally trip over something, sneeze on a foreign leader, or maybe even forget to wear pants. Only then will our nation's joke writers join you in saying, ‘Yes, we can!' Thanks, and God bless America."
Scheft waves; freeze; fanfare from the band.
Announce: "This message brought to you by the National Council of Churches and viewers like you."
$$$
ACT 5: Announce: "Monday on the Late Show, Dave welcomes Ted Turner, Jamie Oliver, and musical guest Taylor Swift.
The Late Show! Hey, Blockbuster Video! Back off! I'll return ‘The Goonies' when I'm good and ready!
We'll be right back."
ACT 6: ARTIE LANGE
From Sirius radio's "The Howard Stern Show" and the author of a new book, "Too Fat To Fish."
Artie proudly says he voted for Barack Obama on Tuesday. Afterwards, Artie asked himself, "Do I really want this guy? He wants ‘change'." But does Artie want change?
Artie admits to nearly being a high school dropout, worked as a longshoreman, but now makes a million dollars a year telling funny stories on a radio show. "I don't want ‘change!'" Artie exclaims, "I don't want ‘fair'." Artie wonders why some of today's big-time actors want the candidate who wants "change.' He specifically mentions Ashton Kutcher, a big Obama supporter. Why would Ashton want "fair"? Why would he want anything to be different? If life were fair, explains Artie, Ashton would be the single most annoying waiter in the history of Planet Hollywood. He never would have met Demi Moore. Ashton would be a receptionist at a tanning salon in Iowa."
The last time Artie was here in the summer, he was about to go overseas and perform for the troops in Afghanistan. Artie admits to being on the receiving end of a lot of jokes about his weight . . . lots of fat jokes. He decided to take the ribbing from the soldiers since they were protecting his life while he was there. At the first show, some beautiful calendar girl was about to go on stage and she was scared. She was afraid the soldiers would verbally abuse her and yell rude things and ask her to "show us your breasts!" Artie assures her that these are American soldiers, America's best, and they will behave themselves. And Artie was right. They did treat her with class. Artie then takes the stage and the first thing he hears is a soldier in the audience yell out, "Show us your breasts!" Arties figures from a distance he may have looked like Rosie O'Donnell.
Artie's book, "Too Fat To Fish" comes from a story he told last time on the show. He was living at home and got up at 6:00 in the morning, hungover, to go fishing. His mother, vacuuming at the time, wanted to know what he was doing up so early. When he told her, she screamed at him, "You're too fat to fish!"
Hmmm, I guess if I wrote a book I could call it, "That's Enough Cap'n Crunch For You!"
"Too Fat To Fish" isn't even out yet but the sales are great. That's the 21st Century for you. And Artie says Random House wants another book from him. When asked if he has more loser stories to fill another book, Artie just laughs and says, "Does Carter have liver pills?" I really enjoyed that line as it recalled the very line my friend Matt Mulligan would so often use so many years ago; "Does Carter have liver pills?" No one else in the shack where I watch the show knew what Artie was talking about. The phrase is used to describe something in abundance. ‘Carter' is a drug company known for their "little liver pills" back in the days of black and white TV. Actually, the saying would go something like this:
"He has more _______ than Carter has liver pills."
My friend Matt would usually use the grandmotherly saying when we were in an unfamiliar crowd and feeling uncomfortable. In these situations, it is normal to want to come off as bold, strong, cool, and confident to these tall, thin, and handsome strangers. Then Matt would comment about something, uttering the uncool phrase so everyone could hear, "He has more _________ than Carter has liver pills." It would break us all up, slapping us into the realization that we were surrounded by pretentious fools not worthy of our company. We would then spend the rest of the night laughing at everyone dressed in black who were pretending to be having a good time. Meanwhile, we would giggle the night away acting comfortably immature. Ahh, good times.
ACT 7: BRAD PAISLEY
From his new CD, "Play", Brad Paisley belted a country rocking "Let The Good Times Roll."
And that was our show for Friday November 7, 2008.
I've been hearing a lot of Halloween costumes stories from parents this week. A lot of them got dressed up with their kids. When you become a parent, your thinking becomes all wacky. Your references change dramatically without even realizing it. I remember one year for Halloween I dressed as Steve from "Blue's Clues." I thought it was genius. But none of my peers had any idea who Steve was or what a Blue's Clues was. I was amazed they didn't know the iconic Steve. I thought they must be living a very sheltered life. Looking back at it now, I think perhaps I was in the wrong; that it was me whose life was sheltered and narrowed. I still have the dark and light green-striped Rugger shirt but it's been years since I've worn it.
Exciting news: a local gin mill that recently closed down, Kelly's, is about to reopen under the name "Morgan's Public House" in Tappan, New York. Kelly's had a great juke box. I hope Morgan's doesn't monkey with it too much. And I hope Morgan's continues to cater to the drinker first and the food second. I like a bar that only serves Slim Jims, Beer Nuts, and pickled eggs.
I was getting a haircut the other day. I like a quiet haircut. I'm not much into the chitchat with the barber, but I do love eavesdropping in on the town gossip that is thrown about the shop. While sitting in my chair, I heard that Morgan's is having a hard time getting their liquor license because the people who ran the place previously were caught serving those not of age.
And the new restaurant/catering hall down the street, "Duke Ocean Grill," though a little expensive, is very good. It seats 400.
And it's anybody's guess when the restaurant Coppola's Tuscan Grill in Sparkill will open. It's being built one brick at a time.
The town's local youth soccer team started around 35 years ago. The barber has a photo of the very first team in the back.
You can learn a lot getting a haircut.
HEY! I thought I told you people to remind me never to have another birthday party for my girls in the house! Somehow my wife and I have a dozen 12 and 13 year olds coming over for a sleepover tonight. Yeah, a sleepover: No SLEEP and glad when it's OVER. I can't wait for Monday so I can come back to work and relax.
From yesterday's Wahoo:
"OK, it's come to this. Starting right now . . . . right now as you read this . . . the first Wahoo reader who writes me to say, ‘No thanks, Mike, I do not wish to write a Wahoo' will get $1."
No, Walter and Jay, my Wahoo contest was not open to you. I'm sorry buy you're not getting the dollar.
We have a winner. Mere minutes after the posting, George Craver of Durham, North Carolina wrote in to inform me he had no interest in writing an issue of the Wahoo Gazette.
George, send me your address and an autographed one-dollar bill will be on its way.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
2nd place in the Wahoo Gazette contest, the winner of nothing, from Caledonia, Michigan, it's Mark McConnell.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Natalie Portman; Artie Lange; and Brad Paisley. PLUS:Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Obama Still Doing Commercials; a Celebrity Testimonial for the Late Show Fun Facts Book; Late Show Fun Facts; and a Plea from the Late Show Writers Strike Captain.
" . . . and now, gracious loser . . . . David Letterman!"
ACT 1:
Monologue jokes:
"The election is over and 6% of the voters are still undecided."
"Obama won. They still haven't broken it to McCain."
Great Moments in Presidential Speeches:
" . . . as the old guy said, ‘we're not just a potted plant.'"
ACT 2:
Hey, just in case you haven't heard yet . . . . . the Late Show Fun Facts book is now on sale just in time for the holidays. I know Dave keeps quoting the $20 price but if you click onto the internet you can find it for less. And you can get it still cheaper if you simply slip it inside your jacket on your way out the bookstore.
Dave opens the award-winning book and reads some samples. I find the Fun Facts are funnier when you read them yourself.
But don't take Dave's word for brilliance of the Late Show Fun Facts book, look what this TV celebrity has to say about it.
We cut to a shot of Alec Baldwin holding the Late Show Fun Facts book.
Alec: "This collection is not just another book of hackneyed zingers; it's a once-in-a-lifetime literary gem that will mend the tattered bonds of the global community and make all mankind stand up and say, ‘Thanks, Dave.'"
Alec goes back to reading the book, then chuckles.
Alec: "Ha ha ha ha, delightful."
OK OK, so we paid him to say that, but it doesn't mean it's not true!!
For those of you who thought we'd be getting a break from campaign commercials, Dave has some bad news. We take a look at what Dave is referring to. Announce: "Although the election is over, Barack Obama still has millions of dollars left over. So he'll continue running negative commercials against people he doesn't like, such as . . . . . . Ryan Seacrest. You suck, Seacrest! Barack Obama: Oh, we're just getting started!"
And then Dave reads the batch of this week's Fun Facts. I'd print those read here but due to the phenomenal success of the Late Show Fun Facts book, I imagine a sequel will be coming out some day. With the economy the way it is, we can't afford to give them away for free.
ACT 3: TOP TEN: Things George W. Bush Wants to Accomplish While Still in Office
4. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel
3. See if Obama can take over sooner, like Tuesday.
NATALIE PORTMAN
She's an old friend with the show. Her first time here was when she was 13 years old.
November 28, 1994; Show #279. Guests: Jon Lovitz; Natalie Portman; and Luther Vandross. PLUS: Dave calls Joe G's Pizza and distracts Joe G while Paul steals Dave-likeness from in front of store and stashes it in a taxi cab; Thanksgiving Memory – Dave eating potatoes, gravy all over him; and it's Paul's 45th birthday.
Natalie grew up on Long Island here in New York and is back living with mommy and daddy. It was fun at first; good home-cooked meals . . . laundry being done for her . . . but it's starting to get on her nerves. Long Island can do that to a person.
Natalie is still a bit exhausted from the excitement of the election. She was busy campaigning for Barack Obama. She believes she may have turned a few votes his way but she was never able to turn her grandmother. Natalie threw everything she could at her but grandma wasn't budging. She probably felt more comfortable with someone close to her age.
Dave said whenever he goes to the polls he'll walk in to the voting booth and shut the curtain behind him. He'll then take off his pants, stick his head through the curtain waving the pants and ask the women manning the sign-in sheet, "Do you have this in a large?"
My joke every year is this: After I sign in, the woman will give me a number and told to stand in line. This year I was #249. I'll say, "Ooooh, gotta play that number tonight." They'll laugh, wish me luck, and then they'll talk amongst themselves about Bingo.
Natalie is a new pet owner, recently picking up a Yorkie at the East 110th Street Animal Shelter. Can her Yorkie do any tricks? Natalie says all it can do is go to the bathroom outside. Good gosh, what more would you want than that? You may not think it is much of a trick, but get a dog that won't go to the bathroom outside and you'll realize how talented Natalie's dog is.
Let's take a look at a clip. Although Natalie has nothing to promote, she has a clip. We watch a few seconds of dancing robots. Odd. It had nothing to do with anything.
ACT 4:
We take this moment for an important message from Late Show writer and Strike Captain, Bill Scheft.
Bill enters; stands center stage: SHEFT: "Hi, I'm Late Show writer and strike captain Bill Scheft. Like many of you, I'm excited by Tuesday's historic election results and I congratulate President-elect Barack Obama. However, as a comedy writer, I'm worried. For eight years we've been spoiled by the hapless floundering of George W. Bush. And for eight years before that, we did very well with world-class horndog Bill Clinton. So, please, Mr. Obama, play fair with America's comedy writers and occasionally trip over something, sneeze on a foreign leader, or maybe even forget to wear pants. Only then will our nation's joke writers join you in saying, ‘Yes, we can!' Thanks, and God bless America."
Scheft waves; freeze; fanfare from the band.
Announce: "This message brought to you by the National Council of Churches and viewers like you."
$$$
ACT 5: Announce: "Monday on the Late Show, Dave welcomes Ted Turner, Jamie Oliver, and musical guest Taylor Swift.
The Late Show! Hey, Blockbuster Video! Back off! I'll return ‘The Goonies' when I'm good and ready!
We'll be right back."
ACT 6: ARTIE LANGE
From Sirius radio's "The Howard Stern Show" and the author of a new book, "Too Fat To Fish."
Artie proudly says he voted for Barack Obama on Tuesday. Afterwards, Artie asked himself, "Do I really want this guy? He wants ‘change'." But does Artie want change?
Artie admits to nearly being a high school dropout, worked as a longshoreman, but now makes a million dollars a year telling funny stories on a radio show. "I don't want ‘change!'" Artie exclaims, "I don't want ‘fair'." Artie wonders why some of today's big-time actors want the candidate who wants "change.' He specifically mentions Ashton Kutcher, a big Obama supporter. Why would Ashton want "fair"? Why would he want anything to be different? If life were fair, explains Artie, Ashton would be the single most annoying waiter in the history of Planet Hollywood. He never would have met Demi Moore. Ashton would be a receptionist at a tanning salon in Iowa."
The last time Artie was here in the summer, he was about to go overseas and perform for the troops in Afghanistan. Artie admits to being on the receiving end of a lot of jokes about his weight . . . lots of fat jokes. He decided to take the ribbing from the soldiers since they were protecting his life while he was there. At the first show, some beautiful calendar girl was about to go on stage and she was scared. She was afraid the soldiers would verbally abuse her and yell rude things and ask her to "show us your breasts!" Artie assures her that these are American soldiers, America's best, and they will behave themselves. And Artie was right. They did treat her with class. Artie then takes the stage and the first thing he hears is a soldier in the audience yell out, "Show us your breasts!" Arties figures from a distance he may have looked like Rosie O'Donnell.
Artie's book, "Too Fat To Fish" comes from a story he told last time on the show. He was living at home and got up at 6:00 in the morning, hungover, to go fishing. His mother, vacuuming at the time, wanted to know what he was doing up so early. When he told her, she screamed at him, "You're too fat to fish!"
Hmmm, I guess if I wrote a book I could call it, "That's Enough Cap'n Crunch For You!"
"Too Fat To Fish" isn't even out yet but the sales are great. That's the 21st Century for you. And Artie says Random House wants another book from him. When asked if he has more loser stories to fill another book, Artie just laughs and says, "Does Carter have liver pills?" I really enjoyed that line as it recalled the very line my friend Matt Mulligan would so often use so many years ago; "Does Carter have liver pills?" No one else in the shack where I watch the show knew what Artie was talking about. The phrase is used to describe something in abundance. ‘Carter' is a drug company known for their "little liver pills" back in the days of black and white TV. Actually, the saying would go something like this:
"He has more _______ than Carter has liver pills."
My friend Matt would usually use the grandmotherly saying when we were in an unfamiliar crowd and feeling uncomfortable. In these situations, it is normal to want to come off as bold, strong, cool, and confident to these tall, thin, and handsome strangers. Then Matt would comment about something, uttering the uncool phrase so everyone could hear, "He has more _________ than Carter has liver pills." It would break us all up, slapping us into the realization that we were surrounded by pretentious fools not worthy of our company. We would then spend the rest of the night laughing at everyone dressed in black who were pretending to be having a good time. Meanwhile, we would giggle the night away acting comfortably immature. Ahh, good times.
ACT 7: BRAD PAISLEY
From his new CD, "Play", Brad Paisley belted a country rocking "Let The Good Times Roll."
And that was our show for Friday November 7, 2008.
I've been hearing a lot of Halloween costumes stories from parents this week. A lot of them got dressed up with their kids. When you become a parent, your thinking becomes all wacky. Your references change dramatically without even realizing it. I remember one year for Halloween I dressed as Steve from "Blue's Clues." I thought it was genius. But none of my peers had any idea who Steve was or what a Blue's Clues was. I was amazed they didn't know the iconic Steve. I thought they must be living a very sheltered life. Looking back at it now, I think perhaps I was in the wrong; that it was me whose life was sheltered and narrowed. I still have the dark and light green-striped Rugger shirt but it's been years since I've worn it.
Exciting news: a local gin mill that recently closed down, Kelly's, is about to reopen under the name "Morgan's Public House" in Tappan, New York. Kelly's had a great juke box. I hope Morgan's doesn't monkey with it too much. And I hope Morgan's continues to cater to the drinker first and the food second. I like a bar that only serves Slim Jims, Beer Nuts, and pickled eggs.
I was getting a haircut the other day. I like a quiet haircut. I'm not much into the chitchat with the barber, but I do love eavesdropping in on the town gossip that is thrown about the shop. While sitting in my chair, I heard that Morgan's is having a hard time getting their liquor license because the people who ran the place previously were caught serving those not of age.
And the new restaurant/catering hall down the street, "Duke Ocean Grill," though a little expensive, is very good. It seats 400.
And it's anybody's guess when the restaurant Coppola's Tuscan Grill in Sparkill will open. It's being built one brick at a time.
The town's local youth soccer team started around 35 years ago. The barber has a photo of the very first team in the back.
You can learn a lot getting a haircut.
HEY! I thought I told you people to remind me never to have another birthday party for my girls in the house! Somehow my wife and I have a dozen 12 and 13 year olds coming over for a sleepover tonight. Yeah, a sleepover: No SLEEP and glad when it's OVER. I can't wait for Monday so I can come back to work and relax.
From yesterday's Wahoo:
"OK, it's come to this. Starting right now . . . . right now as you read this . . . the first Wahoo reader who writes me to say, ‘No thanks, Mike, I do not wish to write a Wahoo' will get $1."
No, Walter and Jay, my Wahoo contest was not open to you. I'm sorry buy you're not getting the dollar.
We have a winner. Mere minutes after the posting, George Craver of Durham, North Carolina wrote in to inform me he had no interest in writing an issue of the Wahoo Gazette.
George, send me your address and an autographed one-dollar bill will be on its way.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
2nd place in the Wahoo Gazette contest, the winner of nothing, from Caledonia, Michigan, it's Mark McConnell.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
