DAVETV If you could look at only one thing on the Internet, DaveTV would be the obvious choice. What other so-called "website" lets you watch LATE SHOW Highlights, Comedy Clips, Slideshows, Stupid Trick clips and The Tony Mendez Show?
TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Kristin Davis; and Jimmy Buffett. PLUS:Hillary’s Campaign in Debt; WNBC Sports Report; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Biff Hangs Out with Orange County Choppers; a Top Ten List; and a Visit from the CEO of ExxonMobil.
“ . . . and now, unusual weather phenomena . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
For my records: a lot of time I’ll be asked for a shot of Dave throwing a kiss to the audience or saluting the audience. I’m usually not seated and watching the show until halfway through the monologue. Most of Dave’s kisses and salutes are from his initial entrance while Paul is still playing the music, at least that’s how it used to be. So if he does throw a kiss or salute, I usually miss it. Tonight, Dave gave a salute near the end of the monologue, so I saw it and logged it.
And remember when Dave used to touch his toes after his entrance? Does he still do that? I don’t think so. The last time I have him touching his toes was from March 5, 1999. I’m pretty sure he’s done it since, but I either missed it or forgot to log it.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is $21 million in debt. We take a look at a surprising commercial. Announce: “Senator Hillary Clinton’s struggling Presidential campaign has racked up 21 million dollars in debt. To raise money, Hillary announces a one-time-only Used Pantsuits Blowout! Choose from . . . .” The shot suddenly goes to static.
We cut to Late Show writer Bill Scheft in the videotape room. Bill: “Hi, I’m Late Show Strike Captain, Bill Scheft. I apologize for yet another Hillary pantsuit joke. I know we’re all sick of them. But it’s Year Three of the Presidential race, and frankly, I’m burned out. Hillary, play fair with America’s comedy writers and step aside. We need all our energy to work on ‘McCain is old’ jokes.
Thank you, and may God Bless America.”
We then hear the sounds of a late breaking news bulletin. An alarmed Dave searches his desk for the report, but finds nothing. He looks below his desk and pulls out a ream of paper. He shuffles through the pile. Nothing there of interest. He looks over to our executive producer. Is he missing something? She lets Dave know there’s no special news bulletin. Dave is relieved. He thought he was about to receive a bulletin. Apparently, our sound effects guy accidentally leaned on the “news bulletin” SFX button.
And now, a WNBC Sports Report with Len Berman. We see our old friend Len describe Minnesota Rightfielder Michael Cuddyer catching a baseball after it bounces off his head. Says Len: “Still, it only counts for one out.”
Cut to Sue Simmons: “What the ‘GIVL’ are you doing?”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES Bush: “By the way, we talked about blueberries.”
ACT 2:
Dave introduces Biff Henderson. Biff enters and sits in the guest chair.
Dave tells a story. At the top of the show, Dave runs out on stage to the roar of the LATE SHOW audience. It’s high energy, electric, hotly charged. Tonight when Dave ran out, he almost flattened our stage manager Biff Henderson. They are both fortunate that no one was injured in the almost head-on. Biff apologizes for being where he was. Dave likened it to a late night driver going down a lone highway and suddenly a deer darts out. The startling shock keeps the driver’s heart racing for the next hour. That’s how Dave feels now. Biff again apologizes. Dave senses Biff is taking it hard and softens his story. Biff really does feel bad. As the conversation heads in another direction, Biff admits that he’s been thrown off his game by what happened earlier and still hasn’t recovered. Dave says it’s really no big deal and later they’ll simply exchange information and let their insurance companies handle it. Biff exclaims, “But I don’t have no insurance!” Hopefully, something will be worked out.
Biff is here tonight to show a videotape of his visit with the Orange County Choppers and the The Teutuls; Paul, Paul, Jr, and Mikey.
The Teutuls – their most annoying celebrity to visit? Billy Joel.
Mikey’s got a bed in his office. He laments, “Yeah, my girlfriend kicked me out of my own house.”
How would the show be different if everyone got along? We see a snippet of what that would look like. Wow, no drama there. From what I hear, it’s like that on “Living Lohan.” Everything nice and hunky-dory.
Orange County Choppers in Spanish.
The Teutuls re-enact a scene from one of the Star Trek movies. I probably would have laughed if I had ever seen one of those sci-fi flicks.
And to finish it off, just to annoy the dad, Paul Jr., Mikey, and Biff destroy one of his motorcycles. It is topped off by them dousing the bike in gasoline and setting it afire.
Pop shows up and does his best Sue Simmons impression: “What the ‘GIVL’ are you doing?!”
ACT 3: TOP TEN – let’s open it up.
Surprise! We had a new sports-themed opening animation to present tonight’s Top Ten list. I wasn’t expecting that.
Topic: Excuses Of The Naked Pilot.
Dave reads from the Top Ten information card to clarify tonight’s topic. I usually put this together. It needs to be short and to the point, and written in a way Dave would speak. Every now and then, I’ll word it with the slightest twist hoping it’ll amuse Dave. Too much of a twist and he’ll hate it. Tonight, it seemed to be just right.
On the card:
“Earlier this week in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, an airline pilot and a flight attendant were arrested after they became lost following a naked romp in the woods.”
I liked the “romp in the woods.” Dave seemed to like it, too. I usually would have ended right there. That was enough, but I felt due to the top ten topic, I had to bring the thinking back to the pilot: “Excuses of the Naked Pilot.”
I skipped a couple lines and added, “At the time of his arrest, the pilot was wearing only a wristwatch and flip-flops.” I liked the image that created. And Dave did too. And it brought our attention back to the pilot and left the flight attendant behind.
Excuses of the Naked Pilot: 9. “You don’t say ‘no’ to Barbara Walters.” 8. “Well, Harrisburg is the ‘City of Love.’” 5. “I always get aroused after browsing through the Skymall catalog.” 4. “So we can’t fly drunk or have sex . . . what is this, Russia?”
KRISTIN DAVIS
Dave admits to being a little off his game. We learn why: “I’m preoccupied because Biff and I are going to couples therapy.”
Kristin is starring in the film version of the very popular HBO series, Sex and The City. The film takes place 4 years after the series ended. And the only thing I’ve heard is that Sarah Jessica’s character is getting married. Bring the hankies, girls!
Kristin has been busy building a house in California. Of course in today’s language, “I’m building a house” means “I’ve hired someone to be me a house.” And it’s going to be totally green with solar panels covering the roof. That part is already done. When things are right, she runs out to the electric meter outside the house to watch it spin backwards.
Is the house almost completed? No, in fact when you hire a contractor, the house is never completed. It’s sort of like that painter at Murphy Brown’s house.
Question: What does doing it yourself and hiring a contractor have in common? Either way, it never gets done.
Yes, you have my permission to use that, but please, don’t credit me.
In recent years, Kristin has done a lot of traveling to Africa. Has she been to all the countries? She gasps a “NO!” How many countries are there in Africa? Immediately, there is a team of staffers looking up the answer to that question.
Our answer: There are 53 countries, with 8 dependants. Total number of territories: 61.
Kristin is involved in the international Aid Agency Oxfam, helping those so they can help themselves. www.oxfam.org
Sex and the City opens May 30th. Dave says about the film, “I hear a lot of people die in this movie.” It’s a surprise to Kristin. Check it out. And if nothing else, the shoes are to die for.
ACT 4:
We have a special guest tonight who is here to make an exciting announcement. Dave welcomes former 7-Eleven President and current CEO of ExxonMobil, Mr. Jim Keyes.
Jim Keyes enters and stands center stage. KEYES: “Thanks, Dave, and good evening, folks. We at ExxonMobil know you want relief at the gas pump. Well, this holiday weekend, you’ll get exactly that, thanks to a promotion called the Late Show Free Gas Giveaway!
All across America, Friday through Monday, pull into any ExxonMobil station and say, ‘This tank’s on Dave!’ You’ll get up to twenty gallons of ExxonMobil gasoline free ---- thanks to that man right there, David Letterman!” (applause)
“That would be incredible enough, but there’s more. Dave and ExxonMobil keep your cool this summer with a free cardboard sunshade for your windshield! Plus, one lucky motorist will win a pair of VIP passes to the Hollywood premiere of the summer blockbuster film, ‘The Incredible Hulk.’
So, visit your local ExxonMobil station this weekend. Sounds like this summer’s gonna be a hot one, am I right, folks?
Thanks, Dave . . . and tanks, Dave. Happy Motoring, everyone!”
The ExxonMobil CEO exits. Paul has doubt. He asks Dave, “Was that really the CEO of ExxonMobil?”
Dave checks his bluecard and says, “That’s what it says on this card.”
ACT 5: ANNOUNCE: “The Tony Mendez Show is back with an all-new episode! This week, Tony finally confronts the company spy. Who will it be? Tune in to find out! Satisfy your comedy craving at www.cbs.com/lateshow. Logging on to a website has never been this hilarious!
We’ll be right back.
And don’t forget to read the Wahoo Gazette. David Manning of the Ridgefield Press calls it a ‘Must Read!’”
OK, OK, I added that last part.
ACT 6: JIMMY BUFFETT: Whenever I see this guy, he looks like the most relaxed man on the planet. He’s written a new book, entitled “Swine Not?” and is based on the true story of one of Jimmy’s friends. Did you know this? This is Mr. Buffett’s 9th book and is only one of nine authors in history to have the #1 bestseller spot on both the Fiction and Nonfiction lists of the New York Times. Others on that short list include Ernest Hemingway, John Steinbeck, and Dr. Seuss. He is especially proud of that since, when he was in high school, he had a couple English teachers in Mobile, Alabama tell him he wasn’t going to amount to anything. I think he’s surpassed their expectations just a bit.
ACT 7: JIMMY BUFFETT: Performing his very popular, “Volcano.” And then for the Late Show website, Jimmy performs “Bama Breeze.”
And that was our show for Wednesday May 21, 2008.
It’s David Cook! The new American Idol is David Cook. Though, Hillary says David Archuleta is still in it.
Jimmy Buffett’s is one of “The Big 8.” What is “The Big 8”? The Big 8 are 8 songs Jimmy Buffett plays at every one of his concerts. . . . . sorta. At least before 2003. And what are The Big 8?
1. "Margaritaville"
2. "Come Monday"
3. "Fins"
4. "Volcano"
5. "A Pirate Looks At Forty"
6. "Cheeseburger in Paradise"
7. "Why Don't We Get Drunk"
8. "Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes"
I know 4 of them by name, and probably all of them if I heard ‘em.
A Christian group in San Diego is trying to drum up a boycott of Starbuck’s coffee due to the company’s new logo featuring a naked woman. Uh oh, is Herbal Essence next? And how long before the Land O’ Lakes people are called on the carpet?
This morning I played for my girls John Lennon’s “Imagine.” They said the liked David Archuleta better.
I’m glad I didn’t announce my baseball picks back in early April. My World Series forecast was the Toronto Blue Jays vs. the San Diego Padres.
The Blue Jays are in 4th place in the A.L. East and the San Diego Padres have the worst record in baseball. Do I know my baseball, or what?
I’m sticking with my pick of the Jays. They’ll be the wildcard and then make it to the Series. The Padres . . . . I’m not so sure.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s her 21st birthday, from Scottsdale, Arizona, it’s Alison Greenbaum.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Kristin Davis; and Jimmy Buffett. PLUS:Hillary’s Campaign in Debt; WNBC Sports Report; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Biff Hangs Out with Orange County Choppers; a Top Ten List; and a Visit from the CEO of ExxonMobil.
“ . . . and now, unusual weather phenomena . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
For my records: a lot of time I’ll be asked for a shot of Dave throwing a kiss to the audience or saluting the audience. I’m usually not seated and watching the show until halfway through the monologue. Most of Dave’s kisses and salutes are from his initial entrance while Paul is still playing the music, at least that’s how it used to be. So if he does throw a kiss or salute, I usually miss it. Tonight, Dave gave a salute near the end of the monologue, so I saw it and logged it.
And remember when Dave used to touch his toes after his entrance? Does he still do that? I don’t think so. The last time I have him touching his toes was from March 5, 1999. I’m pretty sure he’s done it since, but I either missed it or forgot to log it.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is $21 million in debt. We take a look at a surprising commercial. Announce: “Senator Hillary Clinton’s struggling Presidential campaign has racked up 21 million dollars in debt. To raise money, Hillary announces a one-time-only Used Pantsuits Blowout! Choose from . . . .” The shot suddenly goes to static.
We cut to Late Show writer Bill Scheft in the videotape room. Bill: “Hi, I’m Late Show Strike Captain, Bill Scheft. I apologize for yet another Hillary pantsuit joke. I know we’re all sick of them. But it’s Year Three of the Presidential race, and frankly, I’m burned out. Hillary, play fair with America’s comedy writers and step aside. We need all our energy to work on ‘McCain is old’ jokes.
Thank you, and may God Bless America.”
We then hear the sounds of a late breaking news bulletin. An alarmed Dave searches his desk for the report, but finds nothing. He looks below his desk and pulls out a ream of paper. He shuffles through the pile. Nothing there of interest. He looks over to our executive producer. Is he missing something? She lets Dave know there’s no special news bulletin. Dave is relieved. He thought he was about to receive a bulletin. Apparently, our sound effects guy accidentally leaned on the “news bulletin” SFX button.
And now, a WNBC Sports Report with Len Berman. We see our old friend Len describe Minnesota Rightfielder Michael Cuddyer catching a baseball after it bounces off his head. Says Len: “Still, it only counts for one out.”
Cut to Sue Simmons: “What the ‘GIVL’ are you doing?”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES Bush: “By the way, we talked about blueberries.”
ACT 2:
Dave introduces Biff Henderson. Biff enters and sits in the guest chair.
Dave tells a story. At the top of the show, Dave runs out on stage to the roar of the LATE SHOW audience. It’s high energy, electric, hotly charged. Tonight when Dave ran out, he almost flattened our stage manager Biff Henderson. They are both fortunate that no one was injured in the almost head-on. Biff apologizes for being where he was. Dave likened it to a late night driver going down a lone highway and suddenly a deer darts out. The startling shock keeps the driver’s heart racing for the next hour. That’s how Dave feels now. Biff again apologizes. Dave senses Biff is taking it hard and softens his story. Biff really does feel bad. As the conversation heads in another direction, Biff admits that he’s been thrown off his game by what happened earlier and still hasn’t recovered. Dave says it’s really no big deal and later they’ll simply exchange information and let their insurance companies handle it. Biff exclaims, “But I don’t have no insurance!” Hopefully, something will be worked out.
Biff is here tonight to show a videotape of his visit with the Orange County Choppers and the The Teutuls; Paul, Paul, Jr, and Mikey.
The Teutuls – their most annoying celebrity to visit? Billy Joel.
Mikey’s got a bed in his office. He laments, “Yeah, my girlfriend kicked me out of my own house.”
How would the show be different if everyone got along? We see a snippet of what that would look like. Wow, no drama there. From what I hear, it’s like that on “Living Lohan.” Everything nice and hunky-dory.
Orange County Choppers in Spanish.
The Teutuls re-enact a scene from one of the Star Trek movies. I probably would have laughed if I had ever seen one of those sci-fi flicks.
And to finish it off, just to annoy the dad, Paul Jr., Mikey, and Biff destroy one of his motorcycles. It is topped off by them dousing the bike in gasoline and setting it afire.
Pop shows up and does his best Sue Simmons impression: “What the ‘GIVL’ are you doing?!”
ACT 3: TOP TEN – let’s open it up.
Surprise! We had a new sports-themed opening animation to present tonight’s Top Ten list. I wasn’t expecting that.
Topic: Excuses Of The Naked Pilot.
Dave reads from the Top Ten information card to clarify tonight’s topic. I usually put this together. It needs to be short and to the point, and written in a way Dave would speak. Every now and then, I’ll word it with the slightest twist hoping it’ll amuse Dave. Too much of a twist and he’ll hate it. Tonight, it seemed to be just right.
On the card:
“Earlier this week in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, an airline pilot and a flight attendant were arrested after they became lost following a naked romp in the woods.”
I liked the “romp in the woods.” Dave seemed to like it, too. I usually would have ended right there. That was enough, but I felt due to the top ten topic, I had to bring the thinking back to the pilot: “Excuses of the Naked Pilot.”
I skipped a couple lines and added, “At the time of his arrest, the pilot was wearing only a wristwatch and flip-flops.” I liked the image that created. And Dave did too. And it brought our attention back to the pilot and left the flight attendant behind.
Excuses of the Naked Pilot: 9. “You don’t say ‘no’ to Barbara Walters.” 8. “Well, Harrisburg is the ‘City of Love.’” 5. “I always get aroused after browsing through the Skymall catalog.” 4. “So we can’t fly drunk or have sex . . . what is this, Russia?”
KRISTIN DAVIS
Dave admits to being a little off his game. We learn why: “I’m preoccupied because Biff and I are going to couples therapy.”
Kristin is starring in the film version of the very popular HBO series, Sex and The City. The film takes place 4 years after the series ended. And the only thing I’ve heard is that Sarah Jessica’s character is getting married. Bring the hankies, girls!
Kristin has been busy building a house in California. Of course in today’s language, “I’m building a house” means “I’ve hired someone to be me a house.” And it’s going to be totally green with solar panels covering the roof. That part is already done. When things are right, she runs out to the electric meter outside the house to watch it spin backwards.
Is the house almost completed? No, in fact when you hire a contractor, the house is never completed. It’s sort of like that painter at Murphy Brown’s house.
Question: What does doing it yourself and hiring a contractor have in common? Either way, it never gets done.
Yes, you have my permission to use that, but please, don’t credit me.
In recent years, Kristin has done a lot of traveling to Africa. Has she been to all the countries? She gasps a “NO!” How many countries are there in Africa? Immediately, there is a team of staffers looking up the answer to that question.
Our answer: There are 53 countries, with 8 dependants. Total number of territories: 61.
Kristin is involved in the international Aid Agency Oxfam, helping those so they can help themselves. www.oxfam.org
Sex and the City opens May 30th. Dave says about the film, “I hear a lot of people die in this movie.” It’s a surprise to Kristin. Check it out. And if nothing else, the shoes are to die for.
ACT 4:
We have a special guest tonight who is here to make an exciting announcement. Dave welcomes former 7-Eleven President and current CEO of ExxonMobil, Mr. Jim Keyes.
Jim Keyes enters and stands center stage. KEYES: “Thanks, Dave, and good evening, folks. We at ExxonMobil know you want relief at the gas pump. Well, this holiday weekend, you’ll get exactly that, thanks to a promotion called the Late Show Free Gas Giveaway!
All across America, Friday through Monday, pull into any ExxonMobil station and say, ‘This tank’s on Dave!’ You’ll get up to twenty gallons of ExxonMobil gasoline free ---- thanks to that man right there, David Letterman!” (applause)
“That would be incredible enough, but there’s more. Dave and ExxonMobil keep your cool this summer with a free cardboard sunshade for your windshield! Plus, one lucky motorist will win a pair of VIP passes to the Hollywood premiere of the summer blockbuster film, ‘The Incredible Hulk.’
So, visit your local ExxonMobil station this weekend. Sounds like this summer’s gonna be a hot one, am I right, folks?
Thanks, Dave . . . and tanks, Dave. Happy Motoring, everyone!”
The ExxonMobil CEO exits. Paul has doubt. He asks Dave, “Was that really the CEO of ExxonMobil?”
Dave checks his bluecard and says, “That’s what it says on this card.”
ACT 5: ANNOUNCE: “The Tony Mendez Show is back with an all-new episode! This week, Tony finally confronts the company spy. Who will it be? Tune in to find out! Satisfy your comedy craving at www.cbs.com/lateshow. Logging on to a website has never been this hilarious!
We’ll be right back.
And don’t forget to read the Wahoo Gazette. David Manning of the Ridgefield Press calls it a ‘Must Read!’”
OK, OK, I added that last part.
ACT 6: JIMMY BUFFETT: Whenever I see this guy, he looks like the most relaxed man on the planet. He’s written a new book, entitled “Swine Not?” and is based on the true story of one of Jimmy’s friends. Did you know this? This is Mr. Buffett’s 9th book and is only one of nine authors in history to have the #1 bestseller spot on both the Fiction and Nonfiction lists of the New York Times. Others on that short list include Ernest Hemingway, John Steinbeck, and Dr. Seuss. He is especially proud of that since, when he was in high school, he had a couple English teachers in Mobile, Alabama tell him he wasn’t going to amount to anything. I think he’s surpassed their expectations just a bit.
ACT 7: JIMMY BUFFETT: Performing his very popular, “Volcano.” And then for the Late Show website, Jimmy performs “Bama Breeze.”
And that was our show for Wednesday May 21, 2008.
It’s David Cook! The new American Idol is David Cook. Though, Hillary says David Archuleta is still in it.
Jimmy Buffett’s is one of “The Big 8.” What is “The Big 8”? The Big 8 are 8 songs Jimmy Buffett plays at every one of his concerts. . . . . sorta. At least before 2003. And what are The Big 8?
1. "Margaritaville"
2. "Come Monday"
3. "Fins"
4. "Volcano"
5. "A Pirate Looks At Forty"
6. "Cheeseburger in Paradise"
7. "Why Don't We Get Drunk"
8. "Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes"
I know 4 of them by name, and probably all of them if I heard ‘em.
A Christian group in San Diego is trying to drum up a boycott of Starbuck’s coffee due to the company’s new logo featuring a naked woman. Uh oh, is Herbal Essence next? And how long before the Land O’ Lakes people are called on the carpet?
This morning I played for my girls John Lennon’s “Imagine.” They said the liked David Archuleta better.
I’m glad I didn’t announce my baseball picks back in early April. My World Series forecast was the Toronto Blue Jays vs. the San Diego Padres.
The Blue Jays are in 4th place in the A.L. East and the San Diego Padres have the worst record in baseball. Do I know my baseball, or what?
I’m sticking with my pick of the Jays. They’ll be the wildcard and then make it to the Series. The Padres . . . . I’m not so sure.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s her 21st birthday, from Scottsdale, Arizona, it’s Alison Greenbaum.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Hillary Used Pantsuit Blowout / Bill Scheft Apologizes • Jeff Altman Glass Crash Sound Effect • Changes at the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport • WNBC Sports Report • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Biff Henderson Visits the Orange County Choppers
ACT 3 • Top Ten Excuses of the Naked Pilot Read now
