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THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Brooke Shields; Seth Meyers; and The Gutter Twins. PLUS:Obvious Joke of the Night; Today’s Secret Ingredient; Cameraman Gone Awry; New from Poland Spring; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Late Show Fun Facts; a Moment with Alan Kalter; and a Top Ten List by the Cast of “Battlestar Galactica.”
Cold Open
Announce: "Warning - The following program features strong language, adult content, and a ridiculous hairpiece."
“ . . . . and now, successful pie maker. . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
It was reported earlier this week that Jim McGreevey had a threesome with his wife and another man. That gave us the idea for this brand new segment, “Late Show Obvious Joke of the Night.”’ Announce: “The other man in the McGreevey threesome was Eliot Spitzer. Get it? Spitzer and McGreevey were both governors who liked sex.”
What is today’s secret ingredient? We see a clip from “Iron Chef America” and learn today’s secret word is . . . . . . . ham!
As Dave prepares to go on to the next line of business, he notices the camera shot to be jumping left and right, up and down. Something is not right. Dave questions our camera man, Mr. Dave Dorsett. DAVE: “Excuse me, Dave Dorsett. What’s the problem?”
(Dorsett is holding a mug of green beer) DORSETT: “I’m sorry, Dave. It’s St. Patrick’s Day.” DAVE: “Dave, that was two days ago.” DORSETT: “Ah, crap. I’ve been drinking for two days?”
Dave exclaims, “Wow, the Union has really loosened up.”
Last week we learned that New York City tap water contains all sorts of pharmaceuticals. Well, that explains this. Dave holds up a bottle of Poland Spring water to show how competitive the water business has become. Dave points out the new Poland Spring label: “Now with Prozac and Lipitor.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES Bush: “They want us to leave . . . if we left, the world would be better off . . . uhh, would be worse.
ACT 2: LATE SHOW FUN FACTS
Dear Mr. Letterman,
Enclosed are the latest Fun Facts compiled by the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information.
I was sorry to hear about your unpleasant incident of March 13th. However, I have never claimed or implied that a ‘friend of the FBMI’ card can get you out of a speeding ticket.
Regards,
Gary Sherman
FBMI – Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information
Dave then read from a stack of Fun Facts sent in by the FBMI.
ACT 3: TOP TEN: Reasons to Watch the New Season of “Battlestar Galactica” – the 4th and final season of “Battlestar Galactica” premieres April 4th at 10:00 PM on the Sci-Fi Channel.
And here to present tonight’s top ten list, the cast of “Battlestar Galactica.”
We had:
- Chief Petty Officer Tyrrol
- Dianna Beers
- Dr. Baltar
- Lieutenant Sharon Valeri
- Number Six
- Colonel Saul Tie
- Captain Lee Adama
- Starbuck
- President Laura Roslin
- Admiral William Adama
You can see the reading of the list on the Late Show website. Check it out by clicking on the Top Ten link in the column to the right.
BROOKE SHIELDS: Brooke is bi-coastal but is mostly back here now in New York. Dave gives her a hug from coming back to New York and for coming back on the show. It seems Brooke has been around forever. Did you know she was an Ivory Soap baby?
Brooke is particularly happy to be here tonight because she was originally scheduled to have double-foot surgery today. Her appearance tonight on the show made her cancel the surgery. So, what’s wrong with her feet? Brooke tries to make it sound like a delicate dancing injury with a fancy name. But when pressed, she admits she’s got the hammertoe. She’ll be heading back to California to get them banged out.
Brooke is the mom of two, one almost 5, the other almost 2. She has her 5-year-old in a French school in New York. She wants her to be bilingual. She feels a bit guilty because she realizes it’s all for her own ego and has nothing to do with her daughter’s wants or desires. Dave smiles an understanding smile and remarks, “Ahh, but that’s what parenting is all about.” Brooke is very impressed with how her daughter is picking up the language. The other day when Brooke visited the school while in session, the teacher spoke in long, intelligent sentences which her daughter understood entirely. “Oui, madame. Oui, madame.” Afterwards, Brooke praised her daughter for being so fluent in French. Her daughter then had to admit she understood nothing. What she’s learned is that if you just shake your head and say “Oui, madame” a lot, you can get by. (Shhhhhhh! I do the same thing here.)
Back to the foot surgery. Dave is always interested in “procedures.” When she suffered from the foot problems, Dave asks, “Did you get a lot of, ‘Did you try orthotics?” I laughed because just last week I got an earful about orthotics when I mentioned my feet hurt.
Dave leafs through the current “Interview” magazine, the one with Madonna on the cover trying to sell something, and finds two photos of Brooke inside. We see the well-sculpted body of Ms. Shields in a boxing pose. After having two kids, how does one get a body like that? Well, if you’re Eliot Spitzer you pay $4,300. But for Brooke, it’s all in the dancing; lots and lots of dancing on Broadway (“Chicago” and “Wonderful Town”). I think that’s my problem . . . I don’t dance enough.
Her hammertoe surgery has been rescheduled for the end of the month. Dave offers her the opportunity to have it here (preferably in May?).
ACT 4:
Tomorrow starts the First Round of the NCAA March Madness Basketball Tournament. NCAA/ALAN KALTER. Before the show, our announcer Alan Kalter requested a few minutes to give his thoughts. Alan? KALTER: (becoming more unglued as he goes on)
“Thank you, ass pack. Ah, yes, the NCAA Tournament. So many of my college memories revolve around basketball ‘hoops,’ as the fans say. Skipping class to camp out for tickets. Cheering yourself hoarse during the tournament. Getting dragged to the bar by your girlfriend after the team wins the big game. Standing at the bar to get her a drink . . . . you hear whispers. You turn to see your girlfriend making out with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Later you ask her why and she says, ‘He has a better personality.’ But you get over it. You meet someone new. The two of you marry and find a cute little place in the city. And then you come home form work early one afternoon. As you turn the key in the door, you sense something is wrong. You walk in to find half the Knicks screwing your new wife!”
Alan stands and rips off his ear-piece and trashes his area. He exits screaming.
Sounds as if it’s going to be a great tournament.
I “Played the Dave” and said, “Maybe he could use some of that new Poland Spring.”
Dave says at the conclusion of the Alan piece, “I think he needs a little something . . . . and what’s the deal with leaving work early?” DOH! I thought I was a winner when Dave opened with “I think he needs a little something. . . .”
BUZZ.
ACT 5: Announce: “Thursday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning, Vince Vaughn, and music from A Fine Frenzy. We promise you’ll laugh or your money back.
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: SETH MEYERS: Head writer and “Weekend Update” co-anchor for “Saturday Night Live.”
Seth comes from a small town in New Hampshire (aren’t they all small towns?) and sees himself as a big celebrity from New York when he goes back to visit. Unfortunately, he’s the only one. The only celebrity in his family is his mom, the French teacher. Many times when he’s back in the Granite State he will be approached by a local. Seth expects the person to ask him for an autograph since he’s a big New York celebrity. But what he usually hears is, “Are you Madame Meyers’ son? Tell her Serge says ‘hello.’” It’s a bit disheartening.
“Saturday Night Live” has always taken a skewered look at politics. The program recently had Hillary Clinton on as a guest and it was Seth’s job to pitch her jokes. It was a bit daunting; only him, Hillary, and a couple Secret Service guys in her dressing room. And Secret Service agents don’t make for much of an accepting audience. But then Seth surmises that “good sense of humor” isn’t near the top of the list when considering key ingredients to hiring a Secret Service agent.
“Saturday Night Live” is off for the next week or so; any plans? Seth says he’s going to get his drivers license. What, no license? Seth says he had a New Hampshire drivers license but it expired. He had been there a few months ago and went to the DMV to renew. One of the last questions on the form asked if he was a resident of New Hampshire. Seth considered lying on the form, but since he was a celebrity from New York it was obvious the DMV guy would know he was lying. Seth wrote down, “No.” His request for a New Hampshire renewal was denied. And the DMV guy had no recognition of Seth. He did know his mom, though.
ACT 7: THE GUTTER TWINS: From the new CD, “Saturnalia,” The Gutter Twins performed “Idle Hands.”
And that was our show for Wednesday March 19, 2008.
I went to Lowe’s the other day to buy some . . . . I don’t remember, a hammer or something. I see a couple in their 50s get out of their car. Both immediately light up a smoke. The entrance to Lowe’s was no more than 100 feet away. Neither could make it 100 feet without a smoke. My guess is they don’t smoke in their car and they probably had to go 10 minutes without a butt in their mouth. They were desperate. I decided to take my time and watch them make their way to the Lowe’s entrance. They both walked like octogenarians to enable them their 5 minutes of smoky bliss. When they got to the door, they each took one more big drag and then stamped out the cigarette. I didn’t follow them to see what they bought but whatever it was, it’ll probably last longer than them.
I was watching some of the American Idol Tuesday night. (I have 12-year-old daughters and I do not have control of the remote.) One of the performers used something on his microphone that morphed his voice like Peter Frampton over a quarter-century ago. Yeah, it’s been a quarter-century. Somebody shoot me with a musket. Afterwards, Simon and the gang tried to coax Ryan Seacrest to say something into the morphing microphone. Seacrest thought about it, but then decided not. What!? He didn’t do it, why? It might be embarrassing? Is he really that insecure? I watched a little bit more of the show fully expecting he’d go back and say something but, hopefully, I left before he did. How could he not say something into morph mic? It only reinforces what I think of big star celebrities . . . they know they are just so damn lucky to be where they are and so afraid they could lose it just as easily as they got it. Seacrest knows anyone could do what he is doing. He’s nothing special. Therefore, Seacrest wants to do nothing that may rock the boat and make him fall off. Doing something off-script may expose him as being just ordinary. Would somebody let me know if Ryan Seacrest said something into the microphone? I really really hope he did and I just missed it. Get over yourself, Seacrest. You’re not good enough NOT to say something into the morphing microphone.
WHOA! And of course what is on the TV in my office RIGHT NOW? Right now, mere seconds after typing the above? It’s the Geico commercial featuring Peter Frampton speaking into the morphing microphone.
Hey, talk radio! Yeah, I’m talking to you. Keep airing commercials for “help in the bedroom” pills and I’m turning you off for good. Enough! Grow up and get your advertising dollar from somewhere else.
Mental fantasy: I see a talk-radio program director dining out with his family. I approach their table and, in front of his wife and kids, I thank him in great detail for “fixing my problem.” See how he likes it.
How many of our needs are really just wants?
I predict this is the year we miss the game-winning shot in an NCAA tournament game because the camera is on a player’s mom in the stands while the inbound pass is stolen.
It’s my Aunt Jo’s birthday today, March 19th. She was named Josephine because March 19th is St. Joseph’s Day. I remember her lamenting how she wished she were born two days earlier so she could have gone through life with the name Patricia. Happy Birthday, Aunt Jo!
Due to the March Madness NCAA Basketball Tournament seen on CBS, the Late Show will be in repeats this Thursday and Friday. THURSDAY:From February 6, 2008; Show #2867: Eli Manning; Vince Vaughn; and A Fine Frenzy. FRIDAY: From February 22, 2008; Show #2879: Sean “Diddy” Combs; and Al Lubel. PLUS: Paul Shaffer’s daughter, Victoria.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From New City, New York, it’s Patricia Guerin.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Brooke Shields; Seth Meyers; and The Gutter Twins. PLUS:Obvious Joke of the Night; Today’s Secret Ingredient; Cameraman Gone Awry; New from Poland Spring; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Late Show Fun Facts; a Moment with Alan Kalter; and a Top Ten List by the Cast of “Battlestar Galactica.”
Cold Open
Announce: "Warning - The following program features strong language, adult content, and a ridiculous hairpiece."
“ . . . . and now, successful pie maker. . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
It was reported earlier this week that Jim McGreevey had a threesome with his wife and another man. That gave us the idea for this brand new segment, “Late Show Obvious Joke of the Night.”’ Announce: “The other man in the McGreevey threesome was Eliot Spitzer. Get it? Spitzer and McGreevey were both governors who liked sex.”
What is today’s secret ingredient? We see a clip from “Iron Chef America” and learn today’s secret word is . . . . . . . ham!
As Dave prepares to go on to the next line of business, he notices the camera shot to be jumping left and right, up and down. Something is not right. Dave questions our camera man, Mr. Dave Dorsett. DAVE: “Excuse me, Dave Dorsett. What’s the problem?”
(Dorsett is holding a mug of green beer) DORSETT: “I’m sorry, Dave. It’s St. Patrick’s Day.” DAVE: “Dave, that was two days ago.” DORSETT: “Ah, crap. I’ve been drinking for two days?”
Dave exclaims, “Wow, the Union has really loosened up.”
Last week we learned that New York City tap water contains all sorts of pharmaceuticals. Well, that explains this. Dave holds up a bottle of Poland Spring water to show how competitive the water business has become. Dave points out the new Poland Spring label: “Now with Prozac and Lipitor.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES Bush: “They want us to leave . . . if we left, the world would be better off . . . uhh, would be worse.
ACT 2: LATE SHOW FUN FACTS
Dear Mr. Letterman,
Enclosed are the latest Fun Facts compiled by the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information.
I was sorry to hear about your unpleasant incident of March 13th. However, I have never claimed or implied that a ‘friend of the FBMI’ card can get you out of a speeding ticket.
Regards,
Gary Sherman
FBMI – Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information
Dave then read from a stack of Fun Facts sent in by the FBMI.
ACT 3: TOP TEN: Reasons to Watch the New Season of “Battlestar Galactica” – the 4th and final season of “Battlestar Galactica” premieres April 4th at 10:00 PM on the Sci-Fi Channel.
And here to present tonight’s top ten list, the cast of “Battlestar Galactica.”
We had:
- Chief Petty Officer Tyrrol
- Dianna Beers
- Dr. Baltar
- Lieutenant Sharon Valeri
- Number Six
- Colonel Saul Tie
- Captain Lee Adama
- Starbuck
- President Laura Roslin
- Admiral William Adama
You can see the reading of the list on the Late Show website. Check it out by clicking on the Top Ten link in the column to the right.
BROOKE SHIELDS: Brooke is bi-coastal but is mostly back here now in New York. Dave gives her a hug from coming back to New York and for coming back on the show. It seems Brooke has been around forever. Did you know she was an Ivory Soap baby?
Brooke is particularly happy to be here tonight because she was originally scheduled to have double-foot surgery today. Her appearance tonight on the show made her cancel the surgery. So, what’s wrong with her feet? Brooke tries to make it sound like a delicate dancing injury with a fancy name. But when pressed, she admits she’s got the hammertoe. She’ll be heading back to California to get them banged out.
Brooke is the mom of two, one almost 5, the other almost 2. She has her 5-year-old in a French school in New York. She wants her to be bilingual. She feels a bit guilty because she realizes it’s all for her own ego and has nothing to do with her daughter’s wants or desires. Dave smiles an understanding smile and remarks, “Ahh, but that’s what parenting is all about.” Brooke is very impressed with how her daughter is picking up the language. The other day when Brooke visited the school while in session, the teacher spoke in long, intelligent sentences which her daughter understood entirely. “Oui, madame. Oui, madame.” Afterwards, Brooke praised her daughter for being so fluent in French. Her daughter then had to admit she understood nothing. What she’s learned is that if you just shake your head and say “Oui, madame” a lot, you can get by. (Shhhhhhh! I do the same thing here.)
Back to the foot surgery. Dave is always interested in “procedures.” When she suffered from the foot problems, Dave asks, “Did you get a lot of, ‘Did you try orthotics?” I laughed because just last week I got an earful about orthotics when I mentioned my feet hurt.
Dave leafs through the current “Interview” magazine, the one with Madonna on the cover trying to sell something, and finds two photos of Brooke inside. We see the well-sculpted body of Ms. Shields in a boxing pose. After having two kids, how does one get a body like that? Well, if you’re Eliot Spitzer you pay $4,300. But for Brooke, it’s all in the dancing; lots and lots of dancing on Broadway (“Chicago” and “Wonderful Town”). I think that’s my problem . . . I don’t dance enough.
Her hammertoe surgery has been rescheduled for the end of the month. Dave offers her the opportunity to have it here (preferably in May?).
ACT 4:
Tomorrow starts the First Round of the NCAA March Madness Basketball Tournament. NCAA/ALAN KALTER. Before the show, our announcer Alan Kalter requested a few minutes to give his thoughts. Alan? KALTER: (becoming more unglued as he goes on)
“Thank you, ass pack. Ah, yes, the NCAA Tournament. So many of my college memories revolve around basketball ‘hoops,’ as the fans say. Skipping class to camp out for tickets. Cheering yourself hoarse during the tournament. Getting dragged to the bar by your girlfriend after the team wins the big game. Standing at the bar to get her a drink . . . . you hear whispers. You turn to see your girlfriend making out with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Later you ask her why and she says, ‘He has a better personality.’ But you get over it. You meet someone new. The two of you marry and find a cute little place in the city. And then you come home form work early one afternoon. As you turn the key in the door, you sense something is wrong. You walk in to find half the Knicks screwing your new wife!”
Alan stands and rips off his ear-piece and trashes his area. He exits screaming.
Sounds as if it’s going to be a great tournament.
I “Played the Dave” and said, “Maybe he could use some of that new Poland Spring.”
Dave says at the conclusion of the Alan piece, “I think he needs a little something . . . . and what’s the deal with leaving work early?” DOH! I thought I was a winner when Dave opened with “I think he needs a little something. . . .”
BUZZ.
ACT 5: Announce: “Thursday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning, Vince Vaughn, and music from A Fine Frenzy. We promise you’ll laugh or your money back.
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: SETH MEYERS: Head writer and “Weekend Update” co-anchor for “Saturday Night Live.”
Seth comes from a small town in New Hampshire (aren’t they all small towns?) and sees himself as a big celebrity from New York when he goes back to visit. Unfortunately, he’s the only one. The only celebrity in his family is his mom, the French teacher. Many times when he’s back in the Granite State he will be approached by a local. Seth expects the person to ask him for an autograph since he’s a big New York celebrity. But what he usually hears is, “Are you Madame Meyers’ son? Tell her Serge says ‘hello.’” It’s a bit disheartening.
“Saturday Night Live” has always taken a skewered look at politics. The program recently had Hillary Clinton on as a guest and it was Seth’s job to pitch her jokes. It was a bit daunting; only him, Hillary, and a couple Secret Service guys in her dressing room. And Secret Service agents don’t make for much of an accepting audience. But then Seth surmises that “good sense of humor” isn’t near the top of the list when considering key ingredients to hiring a Secret Service agent.
“Saturday Night Live” is off for the next week or so; any plans? Seth says he’s going to get his drivers license. What, no license? Seth says he had a New Hampshire drivers license but it expired. He had been there a few months ago and went to the DMV to renew. One of the last questions on the form asked if he was a resident of New Hampshire. Seth considered lying on the form, but since he was a celebrity from New York it was obvious the DMV guy would know he was lying. Seth wrote down, “No.” His request for a New Hampshire renewal was denied. And the DMV guy had no recognition of Seth. He did know his mom, though.
ACT 7: THE GUTTER TWINS: From the new CD, “Saturnalia,” The Gutter Twins performed “Idle Hands.”
And that was our show for Wednesday March 19, 2008.
I went to Lowe’s the other day to buy some . . . . I don’t remember, a hammer or something. I see a couple in their 50s get out of their car. Both immediately light up a smoke. The entrance to Lowe’s was no more than 100 feet away. Neither could make it 100 feet without a smoke. My guess is they don’t smoke in their car and they probably had to go 10 minutes without a butt in their mouth. They were desperate. I decided to take my time and watch them make their way to the Lowe’s entrance. They both walked like octogenarians to enable them their 5 minutes of smoky bliss. When they got to the door, they each took one more big drag and then stamped out the cigarette. I didn’t follow them to see what they bought but whatever it was, it’ll probably last longer than them.
I was watching some of the American Idol Tuesday night. (I have 12-year-old daughters and I do not have control of the remote.) One of the performers used something on his microphone that morphed his voice like Peter Frampton over a quarter-century ago. Yeah, it’s been a quarter-century. Somebody shoot me with a musket. Afterwards, Simon and the gang tried to coax Ryan Seacrest to say something into the morphing microphone. Seacrest thought about it, but then decided not. What!? He didn’t do it, why? It might be embarrassing? Is he really that insecure? I watched a little bit more of the show fully expecting he’d go back and say something but, hopefully, I left before he did. How could he not say something into morph mic? It only reinforces what I think of big star celebrities . . . they know they are just so damn lucky to be where they are and so afraid they could lose it just as easily as they got it. Seacrest knows anyone could do what he is doing. He’s nothing special. Therefore, Seacrest wants to do nothing that may rock the boat and make him fall off. Doing something off-script may expose him as being just ordinary. Would somebody let me know if Ryan Seacrest said something into the microphone? I really really hope he did and I just missed it. Get over yourself, Seacrest. You’re not good enough NOT to say something into the morphing microphone.
WHOA! And of course what is on the TV in my office RIGHT NOW? Right now, mere seconds after typing the above? It’s the Geico commercial featuring Peter Frampton speaking into the morphing microphone.
Hey, talk radio! Yeah, I’m talking to you. Keep airing commercials for “help in the bedroom” pills and I’m turning you off for good. Enough! Grow up and get your advertising dollar from somewhere else.
Mental fantasy: I see a talk-radio program director dining out with his family. I approach their table and, in front of his wife and kids, I thank him in great detail for “fixing my problem.” See how he likes it.
How many of our needs are really just wants?
I predict this is the year we miss the game-winning shot in an NCAA tournament game because the camera is on a player’s mom in the stands while the inbound pass is stolen.
It’s my Aunt Jo’s birthday today, March 19th. She was named Josephine because March 19th is St. Joseph’s Day. I remember her lamenting how she wished she were born two days earlier so she could have gone through life with the name Patricia. Happy Birthday, Aunt Jo!
Due to the March Madness NCAA Basketball Tournament seen on CBS, the Late Show will be in repeats this Thursday and Friday. THURSDAY:From February 6, 2008; Show #2867: Eli Manning; Vince Vaughn; and A Fine Frenzy. FRIDAY: From February 22, 2008; Show #2879: Sean “Diddy” Combs; and Al Lubel. PLUS: Paul Shaffer’s daughter, Victoria.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From New City, New York, it’s Patricia Guerin.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1 • Cold Open: Ridiculous Hairpiece • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Late Show Obvious Joke of the Night • Today's Secret Ingredient • Cameraman Dave Dorsett: Drinking For 2 Days • Poland Springs: Now with Prozac and Lipitor • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Late Show Fun Facts
ACT 3 • Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New Season of "Battlestar Galactica" Watch now • Brooke Shields
