" . . . and now, a man who runs on biodiesel . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Jeopardy's Alex Trebek has returned to host the very popular game show after suffering a heart attack. Welcome back, Alex, but Dave feels he may have rushed his return. Perhaps a bit more rest should have been prescribed. What does Dave mean? He shows a clip from the show seen earlier in the day.
We watch Alex give the answers to the contestants as they then give the question. But something isn't right. What the contestants provide are obviously not the correct answers but Alex charges on ahead. No matter what they say, Alex responds, "Right!" It's embarrassing.

It's time for Bruce Willis' Secret Word of the Night. We see Mr. Willis in the green room. The Secret Word: "Condensation"

Uh oh, the phone. Don't answer it, Dave, don't answer it Dave. Before he even picks it up, he knows who it is. Dave says to our Executive Producer Barbara Gaines, who is approaching Gelman status, "Remember when he called last week and ruined the show?"
Dave, against his better judgment, picks up the phone and we hear Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol transmitting a radio call.

It was reported earlier this week that Oliver Stone's next film will be about George W. Bush. The controversial director says he intends to give a balanced view of our current president, but judging by the trailer, Dave is not convinced. We watch the trailer.
Announcer:

"Greatness was expected of him from an early age, but the path would not be easy. Alcohol addiction . . . loss of faith . . . living in the shadow of his father . . . but he battled his demons and emerged from the darkness to occupy the highest seat in the land. From acclaimed filmmaker Oliver Stone . . . 'BUSH'. . . . Starring Andy Dick as George W. Bush. Coming November 2008."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL
SPEECHES: I missed it. He said something like, "I won't share them."

Someone please cut the cord. It's Lt. Len Easton again on the phone. Now I think he's just showing off.

ACT 2:
Lt. Len Easton - stop calling, please! I wish we would get the Caller I.D. for Dave's phone.

And then we did LATE SHOW FUN FACTS.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: Rejected Titles For The George W. Bush Movie
10. "Jackass 3"
9. "The Lyin' King"
8. "The Departed as of January 20th, 2009"
7. "Stop or My Vice President Will Shoot"
6. "Dial M for Moron"
5. "Das Boob"
4. "When Sally Met Cheney's Daughter"
3. "When Men Can't Govern"
2. "The Nightmare Before Hillary"
1. "Raging Bull-'djoy'"

NATHAN LANE: Nathan is one of my favorite guests. He comes prepared with stories to tell and usually tells them all. He's a real pro.
How have you been?
-feel great; I just crossed off the last item on my 'bucket list.' Now I can coast until I'm dead. My list was pretty short. The things I didn't have time for, I hired a neighbor kid to do for me. The last three items were: switch to an electric toothbrush, sleep until noon, and drink a liter of gin without mixers
House burglarized?
-Has a house in East Hampton - went downstairs and the place was in disarray. It didn't look ransacked, but things had been moved. It was like a group of marauding homosexuals broke in and decided to give me a fresh point of view. I was expecting Ty Pennington to pop out and yell, 'Move that couch!' Called the police. They aren't used to crime. Crime in East Hampton typically consists of a sommelier pulling a bait-and-switch with a lesser vintage. It then turned into a horrible episode of CSI. The dusted for prints everywhere. Dust was all over. My couch looked like a baking table at Dunkin' Donuts. There was powder everywhere. It was like the 80s all over again. It looked like the VIP room at Studio 54. I think my dog chased the burglars away. Not likely with its bark, but by its snore.

Mugged before?
-Once mugged years ago as a struggling actor doing singing telegrams. A guy pulled a knife on me and demanded my money. All I had was 2 dollars. I asked the guy if I could keep one dollar so I wouldn't have to walk all the way home. He said no.

Travel?
-Spent some of the summer in Budapest making a film. It's a two-part city: Buda is on one side, Pest is on the other. Like Minneapolis/St. Paul. Friendly people in Budapest, like the Twin Cities, although they also have that look like if they had a minute they'd kill you. Russian director in this film who had an odd technique to directing. While you were acting, he would whisper stage directions. I would constantly say, "I CAN HEAR YOU!" Nathan was afraid the audience would go nuts thinking they are hearing voices.

New play?
-Nathan is currently working on the new David Mamet play, "November." Mamet once asked Nathan to be in one of his plays but wanted him to play a woman. Nathan dreamed of being a play by Mamet, but hoped for another gender.

"November" - now playing at the Ethel Barrymore Theater.

ACT 5:
"The following is a 'Late Show Announcement.'
There are only 334 shopping days left until Christmas!
You better start your shopping now, before everything is gone!
This has been a 'Late Show Announcement.'
Now get out three and start shopping, losers."

ACT 6:
(This is the way it was scripted . . . I don't think Dave got in to it this way)
DAVE: "Are you folks sick of the price of heating oil? Right before the show, a guy drove us in an oil truck to refill the theater's tank and it's going to cost us thousands of dollars. It's crazy. But I'm reluctant to switch over to natural gas because they say that oil heat is safer. So I guess we'll just keep on . . . ."
- Suddenly a guy comes running out on stage screaming and yelling in pain. He runs out, stops, and starts again. He runs in front of Dave's desk, still screaming, still yelling, and continues with hands high over head. Hey, I recognize that guy. He's the guy who we put on fire every now and then. He continues to scream and yell and run . . . not on fire . . . and then exits the guest entrance. We hear a fire extinguisher and the carbon dioxide to extinguish the make believe fire.
- Enter Bill Scheft
SCHEFT: "The bit you just saw should have ended with the stuntman running around the stage on fire. Unfortunately, we couldn't bring you that delightful joke. This morning, Local 579 of the Pyrotechnicians Union went on strike in sympathy with the Writers Guild of America. While we regret the loss of what would have been some tremendous physical comedy, we salute our Pyrotechnician brothers for their solidarity with the writers. Just like writing, setting guys on fire is a specialized craft. The entertainment business needs both writing and people running around in flames. It's time for the big media companies to come back to the bargaining table and make a fair deal. Thanks for your support, from all of the creative unions."
The guy not on fire enters. Scheft and the non-fire guy waves.

ACT 7:
JAKE JOHANNSEN: Jake will be appearing at the Funny Farm in Roswell, Georgia, February 21st-24th.
-we're all gonna die
-can't cheat death - those hand sanitizers won't cut it
-marriage --- want to lock in at a favorable rate
Jake Johannsen --- always funny.

And that's the show for Friday, January 25, 2008.



As promised, my annual plea to put the Super Bowl on a Saturday. I've been preaching this for years and have developed quite an argument, if I do say so myself. Instead of "Super Bowl Sunday", it should be promoted as "Super Bowl Weekend."

From the Wahoo Gazette, February 1, 2005.
MY SATURDAY SUPER BOWL PLAN: I'm pushing the idea to move the Super Bowl to Saturday from now on, so the folks on the east coast could throw an adequate Super Bowl Party without worrying about work the next day. Plus, kids would be allowed to stay to the game's completion. Right now the game starts too late, after 6:00 PM on a Sunday night, and becomes too much of an effort for those on the east coast to enjoy.
So this is my plan for a Saturday Super Bowl. It would be more convenient to the home viewer and it would be better for the fans at the game. But of course, a decision of this magnitude - changing the Super Bowl to a Saturday - has nothing to do with the benefits to the fans. The only interest in the move would be to make more money for those who already have a whole lot of money. Could the network make more money? Could the NFL make more money? Could the players make more money? If you can answer "Yes" to the above questions, then the Super Bowl being moved to a Saturday is a possibility. The fans? Not even a concern. Not in the equation.
So how can the above make money?

THE NETWORKS - Saturday is the slowest TV day of the week. By putting the Super Bowl on Saturday immediately puts it to the top! From the bottom to the top! Sunday already is the biggest TV night. Putting the Super Bowl on a Sunday is only making the strong stronger. The Saturday increase would be greater, making the weak strong. And if the game is played on Saturday, the start time can be inched up later than it is now, and viewers on the east coast are more likely to stay around to the end without work to worry about the next day.

THE NFL - right now, the Super Bowl is played on Super Bowl Sunday. Move it to Saturday and now the Super Bowl is played on Super Bowl Weekend! That's right. Now the Super Bowl isn't a one day deal --- it's a whole weekend! Three days of NFL football festivities. And the networks can play this up as well. They can televise the pre-game festivities on Friday night and Sunday can be the post-game celebrations with live entertainment and interviews with the winning team. Lots of celebrities. Lots of entertainment. Lots of promoting of the network's television shows over 3 days.

THE PLAYERS - of course the players would benefit from this. The winning team would be feted all day Sunday on national TV instead of only locally as they are now on the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday. As it stands now, all the Super Bowl coverage the day before and the day after the Super Bowl is local. By making it a big event, sandwiching the game on Saturday, gives the network and the NFL control over the NATIONAL coverage. It would be a well organized money-squeeze instead of the rushed, helter-skelter post game celebration. Why make the post-game celebration a half-hour rush job late on Sunday night where few are watching on the east coast when it can become a three-hour extravaganza in primetime Sunday!

There is still more work to be done but this is just a start. Just keep thinking "Super Bowl Weekend" vs. "Super Bowl Sunday." More on this to come.

(Psssst. I don't want "them" to hear me. And the Super Bowl on Saturday will benefit the fan as well. No work the day after the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties would really become a big event all over the country. Lots of overnight bashes at big hotels. But don't let "them" know it would benefit the fan. It might screw up the whole thing.)

Hold it. My idea about hotels across the country throwing Super Bowl parties is better than I first thought. Imagine what hotels could to with a Super Bowl on a Saturday. Big parties, without the driving, and sold-out rooms. And it wouldn't just be in the Super Bowl host city. It would be in every city across the nation. It would be bigger than New Years Eve! Dang it, it makes so much sense! Now we're talking about the hotel business getting behind this idea.

My Super Bowl Weekend Idea: This could maximize the television schedule for the hosting network:
Play the game on Saturday night so those in the East can enjoy their parties without having to worry about work the next day.
Friday night - "The Super Bowl Friday Night Primetime Special" - includes the announcement of the season's MVP, NFL clips of the outstanding plays of the year (with internet voting for the top play), and a look at past Super Bowl commercials. They could also announce the inductees into the Football Hall of Fame.
Sunday night: "The Super Bowl Sunday Night Variety Show." - includes a recap of the game/commercials/national anthem/halftime/etc. Musical guests/comedians/winning team and MVP.

Take it away, Mr. Goodell. But I'm sure it's not up to the NFL Football Commissioner. It's up to the television network heads.

Boy, that was an easy one. I'll be cutting and pasting that next year, too.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's her birthday on Saturday, from Hillcrest, New York, Happy Birthday to Eileen Dooley Wren.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER