Cold Open: "Tonight on the Late Show, mortgages gone wild: As the housing bubble continues to deflate, Congress is pointing its finger squarely at the lending industry. Also: monkey-jacked. Do you know how to protect yourself if a baboon tries to steal your car? If happens more often than you'd think. Plus: Scot Haney with the Early Warning Pinpoint Doppler forecast. All this and more, coming up right now.

" . . . . and now, double-jointed trapeze phenomenon . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
Tonight on our show, Mark Odgers. A few months ago, he was on the show doing a flip over a taxi cab and slam-dunking a basketball. What will he be doing for us tonight? He will be doing a flip over 5 interns out on 53rd Street.

By the way, I saw none of the ACT 1. I was standing by in the lobby waiting for a cue. I was scheduled to go on a bit later.

A man was arrested last week for passing a $1 million bill at a grocery store in Pittsburgh. Dave shows how he was able to spot that it was a fake. He holds up the million dollar bill. And just whose photo happened to be on the bill? None other than Jerry Stiller. Good work, Dave. I wouldn't have noticed. I thought it was Teddy Roosevelt.

The cat show was held at Madison Square Garden over the weekend. The winner was Tess, a Japanese bobtail from Freehold, New Jersey, and our building engineer George Clarke was standing by with her backstage. Dave calls for George to come out with Tess. George enters. The kitty sure looks like a prize winner, but George . . . . George's face is blotchy, swollen, and discolored. Is everything all right? GEORGE: "I'm allergic to kitties."

Fred Thompson's campaign doesn't seem to be going very well, but he's come up with an interesting strategy. We take a look.
Announce:

"Fred Thompson stunned people recently when he mistakenly referred to Russia as the Soviet Union. Many also worry that Thompson is simply too lazy to be President. Lazy with no understanding of the issues?" (cut to GW Bush on the golf course) "Hey, it's worked so far. Fred Thompson: Four More Years."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: I missed it.

ACT 2
SMALL TOWN NEWS
-The Northwood Anchor (Northwood, Iowa): A farm supply store ad: "Annual Fall Sale. 10% off everything in our store! Excludes twine."
-The Shoreliner East (Madison, Connecticut): A personal ad: "Pleasingly plump lady, 59, with dyed hair, poor eyesight, impaired hearing, no teeth, and cold feet."
-The Parkersburg Sentinel (Parkersburg, West Virginia): "Garage and yard sale, June 2nd. Moving and the old man won't let me keep everything."
-The Shopping Times (Fort Erie, Ontario): "1997 Dodge Caravan - as is, $1200. Air conditioning is broken. Garage mice ate 3rd row seat."
-The Daily Nonpareil (Council Bluffs, Iowa): "Personals: $28,396.80 to a woman (18-65) who moves in with me (or vice versa) and married me. Call Virgil."
-The Wabasha County Herald: (Wabasha, Minnesota): "Give away: Microwave. Works good but won't shut off."
-The Salem Gazette (Salem, Massachusetts): "A report of stolen items from an apartment. A green Dirt Devil vacuum, two black floor lamps, and a stripper pole were stolen."
-The Patriot & Free Press (Cuba, New York): "Police report. Patrol sent to McDonald's to speak with an elderly woman regarding erratic driving. Driver was avoiding horse manure left by the Amish."

ACT 3
TOP TEN: Messages on Al Gore's Answering Machine
4. "Ann Coulter here. Any way we can blame global warming on the Jews?"
2. "This is Jimmy Carter. Want to use our medals to score some babes?"

MARK ODGERS - he's out on 53rd Street. Lined up are 5 interns:
Phil Kessel: 5'10" - from Baltimore, Maryland.
Jessica Holohan: 5' 6" - from Long Island, New York
Tyler Flowers: 6'7" - from Atlanta, Georgia.
Megan Dougherty: 5' 4" - from Orlando, Florida
Carrie Kemper: 5' 9" - from St. Louis, Missouri.

Mark is ready. He runs west on the north sidewalk of 53rd Street, leaps on a trampoline, does a flip over the 5 Late Show interns, and lands on a mat on the other end. Success!

I'll give you all a minute here to catch your breath.

Dave thought Mark made the jump a little too easily and dares him to add a 6th intern. Mark says he is game. We never asked what the 6th intern thought.

ACT 4
JAKE GYLLENHAAL
Jake was in London recently promoting the film. He found himself one night back at the hotel bar having a nightcap. The place was lovely, furnished with a fire place and a bar known as the Honesty Bar. You could make your own drinks and you would just write down what you drank and they would charge you later. A woman enters the bar and it was obvious that this was not the first bar she stopped at that night. She slurs, "Can you start the fire?" Jake explains that he doesn't know how. It was one of those gas fire places. Basically, Jake didn't know where the switch was. There was no "know how" needed. She says, "Fine" and leaves. A little while later she returns and says, "Can someone here make me a martini?" It's explained that it's a "make-it-yourself" bar and Jake tells her he doesn't work here. That was met with the loudest cackle Jake had ever heard. It was a big cackling laugh, almost insane-like. She apologized, then points at Jake and says, "This one here is a Jake Googleballs look-alike!" Jake loved that. Jake Googleballs.
Jake Gyllenhaal's "Rendition" - It opens Friday.

ACT 5
We add a 6th intern to the leap by Mark Odgers. Can he do it? He is unsure, but is willing to try. Dave is more than a bit nervous since this was his idea. Joining the field of interns is Anne McCarthy of St. Louis, Missouri.
Anne's height: 5' 6".
We are ready. Mark runs as he did before and leaps over the half dozen college coeds. Anne on the end cheated in a little bit as Mark flew overhead and it might have been a good thing. Mark lands on the mat and does a little somersault in a satisfying flourish.
Ta da! Mark Odgers never would have been able to do this without Dave's encouragement. Nice going.

ACT 6
CONNIE BRITTON: From the highly acclaimed NBC program, "Friday Night Lights." It's finally on Friday after being on Tuesday and Wednesday. It takes place in a small town in Texas and it's not all about football. It's shot in Austin, whose slogan is "Keep Austin Weird," and Connie says Austin tries its best to live up to it. Sounds like my kind of place.
Connie learned to speak Chinese in college. I never met anyone who spoke Chinese, other than a Chinese person. Connie says of all the Chinese she learned, she never learned the names of food. Why would she need to? All she needed to learn was numbers, as in "I'll have the Number 6." Unfortunately, all the Chinese she learned has been forgotten. That's too bad. There goes that job at the U.N.

ACT 7
50 CENT - From his new CD, "Curtis," 50 Cent performed "A-Yo Technology."

And that was our show for Monday, October 15, 2007.



My Security Guard appearance, along with CBS Orchestra coordinator, Dan Fetter.
DAVE: "What's going on?"
Guard: "Sorry, Dave, he tried to get in without paying."
DAVE: "Uh, you know the tickets are free."
Guard: "Oh."

Dan and I were waiting in the lobby waiting for our cue. We were told we were 5th on the lineup in the ACT 1. There was a small black and white monitor we could watch, but with no sound. The way it was planned to go was the back doors would fly open and we would run from the back of the theater, down the aisle, across in front of Dave's desk, and then I would "catch" Dan and taser him on stage. Of course, to get Dave's attention I had to create a commotion. As soon as the doors opened, I yelled as loud as I could, "Stop! Stop! Get back here! Stop right there!" etc. The louder the better. I find that's true in many performances. If you're not good, you might as well be loud.

Before the cue, I kept going over my simple line, "Sorry, Dave, he tried to get in without paying." I was comfortable with the line, except every now and then when I ran the line through my mind, I would say "Sorry, Dave, he tried to get away." No No No. It's "he tried to get in without paying." Over and over in my mind I repeated "tried to get in . . . tried to get in . . . tried to get in . . . tried to get in . . ."
I was directed that once I caught Dan on stage, I should extend my arm and really "sell" the fact I had a taser. It's why I had the taser in my left hand and not my right. It would show better on camera if it was in my left hand. Originally I was to drag Dan off when it was over, but I feared that would take too long and too much effort. Before I could offer my suggestion, it was mentioned that since Dan was only tasered and not shot, he could stagger off the stage without being dragged.
I told Dan that I would grab him by the collar to lift him off the floor when it was time to leave, but once Dave told me the tickets were free, I would drop him.
And just before we were cued to go out, I decided to change my opening line of "Sorry, Dave" to "Sorry, Mr. Letterman." I know I should have ran this by the writer first, but he was unavailable. Plus, I thought it would be more proper for a security guard to call Dave "Mr. Letterman" rather than the more informal, "Dave."

We were ready to go. The doors fly open. I yell out "Stop" and "Get back here!" a few times. I don't know if I was running too fast or Dan was running too slow, but I had to keep pushing him as we ran down the aisle as I was getting too close. Thinking about it now, I think I was running too fast. Going at my speed would have gotten us on stage too quickly without giving Dave time to notice the commotion. Dan kept it from proceeding too fast.
Once on stage, I grabbed Dan's left shoulder with my right hand. I turned him towards the audience and applied the taser to his ribs. He falls down in pain. I prepare to drag him off. I notice out of the corner of my eye that Dave has gotten up and is approaching us. Hmmmm. I wasn't expecting this.
DAVE: "What's going on?"
Guard: "Sorry, Mr. Letterman, he tried to get in without paying."
I have Dan by the collar, lifting him off the floor.
DAVE: "Uh, you know the tickets are free."

Now I was never comfortable with my "Oh" line. I wasn't quite sure how I should deliver it. I was thinking of suggesting, "Ooops" instead of "Oh" but didn't want to step on toes and become a pest. When it was time to deliver my "Oh," I hesitated a bit longer than I did in rehearsal." I say, "Oh," and wipe some imaginary dust off of Dan's shoulder and help him up. As we begin our exit, I apologize to Mr. Letterman. I did that on my own. I felt it would help Dave back to the desk.

And that was my Security Guard appearance with Dan Fetter. I haven't seen it yet. I fell asleep by the time it came on at home. Plus, I was watching the Giant game.

From Friday's USA Today:

Maui's Volcano Bike Rides Get Pulled Over For Safety
- "Maui's Haleakala National Park has put the brakes on one of the island's most popular tourist attractions by banning the popular commercial bike rides that whoosh riders down the slopes of a dormant, 10,000-foot volcano."

I went on this ride some years ago. I call it the "$100 bike ride." It's now up to $150. A van takes up a group of people to the top of the volcano. Another van takes the bikes
and helmets. And then you coast down on your bike. . . all for $100, now $150. I always ask anyone who goes to Hawaii if they took the $100 bike ride. Most say they did. I got suckered into going for the early A.M. ride. This promised the opportunity to see the sun rise over the ocean as we sat atop the volcano. Now I realize it was just a chance for the operators to start their C-note fleece as early in the day as possible. And everyone I talked to who took the early A.M. ride had the same story: Unfortunately, it was always too foggy at the top this early in the day so instead of riding down the entire volcano, we were driven to the top to take a look at the fog, and then driven halfway back down the volcano. we started from there where it wasn't as foggy. Once at the bottom, we were driven halfway back up to ride it again. Like I said, I call it the "$100 bike ride." The bikes weren't worth $50. I always thought it would have been cheaper to buy a bike, hitch a ride to the top, and just leave the bike at the bottom.

I remember my trip to Hawaii with Denise back in the late 80s. Denise and I went on this $100 bike ride. We are in the van going up the volcano with 10 others and everyone is making the small talk. Of course, the "where are you all from" question comes up. A couple cooler and hipper than Denise and I say they live on the upper West Side of Manhattan. I was impressed, as probably were the others in the van. A Manhattan address, particularly the upper West Side, is a desirable place to live. But I was suspicious. I didn't like this guy from the moment I saw him. You know the type; he has to sit in the front of the van while the rest of us have to climb over him; special bike gloves just for the ride; expensive sunglasses with the band around the back so they can dangle around his neck. I asked, "Oh, where on the upper West Side do you live?" With some hesitation, the guy says, "168th Street." I scoffed, ‘That's not the Upper West Side . . . that's Washington Heights!" The guy gets all huffy and tries to defend himself in front of the others. "Yeah, and it's on the upper west side of Manhattan!" he says with a smirk. Real snotty-like, he asked where I lived. I said "East of Beverly Hills." Someone asks exactly where east of Beverly Hills. I said, "187th Street in Manhattan. It's east of Beverly Hills. It's called Washington Heights."
I should have kept quiet. We were in Hawaii, "Make-Believe-Land." If the guy wanted to make believe he lived on the upper West Side, I should have let him. But he thought he was SOOOOOO cool.

WAHOO PHILOSOPHY CORNER
Tonight's featured Philosopher: Socrates
-"Do not be angry with me if I tell you the truth"
-"Envy is the ulcer of the soul"
-"Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings so that you shall come easily by what others have labored hard for"

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
West coast Wahoo reader and owner of Fred's Place in Mountain View, Chang Cho.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER