DAVETV If you could look at only one thing on the Internet, DaveTV would be the obvious choice. What other so-called "website" lets you watch LATE SHOW Highlights, Comedy Clips, Slideshows, Stupid Trick clips and The Tony Mendez Show?
TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Jamie Foxx; Jimmy Smits; and Will.I.Am. PLUS:A Harry Story; Floyd Landis; Ahmadinejad on “60 Minutes”; The New CBS Monday Night Lineup; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; The Top Ten Machine Breaks Down; A Kid and His Rubber Bands; and a Heart-Shaped Potato.
“ . . . and now, Marcel Marceau’s protégé . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1
Dave knew it was coming eventually. Harry, his mom, and Dave were seated around the dinner table. Harry asks, “Daddy, how old are you?” Dave cringes and says, “I’m 60.” Harry then looks to his mom and says, “Mommy, is daddy teasing?”
Ever have one of those bad days; things just ain’t right? You ask yourself, “What will cheer me up? Drugs? No, that’s not the answer. Alcohol? No, not alcohol either. What will cheer someone up on a bad day? Answer: A heart-shaped potato.
Big reaction from the audience. It must have been a pre-show Q&A thing. A woman in the audience says she had a heart-shaped potato.
Cyclist Floyd Landis lost his appeal of a positive doping test last week. He was stripped of his 2006 Tour De France title and also received a two-year ban. Sounds like he could use a heart-shaped potato. And he is here tonight. Come on out, Floyd!
A fat Floyd Landis rides out on his bicycle and continues on out through the back of the house. It’s too bad he didn’t stop to explain his side.
In the green room tonight is a college kid named Jon Coombs of New Albany, Indiana. He’s a telecommunications major at the University of Indiana. What is he going to do for us tonight? He’s gong to see how many rubber bands he can wrap around his head in 60 seconds. The camera widens to reveal 70 or so rubber bands on the table. How did Jon come up with this hobby? He says he was bored one day. Ahh, college life. I remember it well . . . or at least I try to. We’ll come back later to watch Jon practice his hobby.
Did you folks see President Ahmadinejad Sunday night on 60 Minutes? There was a slightly odd and awkward moment. We see a clip of the Iranian President with “60 Minutes” correspondent Scott Pelley. Pelley: “What trait do you admire in President Bush?” Ahmadinejad: (through a translator) “He works out a great deal and as such, he has a very firm ass. It’s an ass I’d like to know a little better. You have a firm ass as well, Scott.”
Pelley looks at Mahmoud perplexed.
Are you folks excited for the new fall television season? CBS is heavily promoting all their shows. We watch. Announce: “The new fall television season is here and tonight, CBS has it all! The hilarious! (scene from “How I Met Your Mother”).
The suspenseful (scene from “CSI: Miami”).
And the bitterly disappointing (scene of Dave on the Late Show).
Only on CBS.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES Bush: “It doesn’t matter if …. to us. . . . whether they do it in terms of 6-party talks, cuz they’re both equally important to us . . . I guess is the best way to say it . . . . it DOES matter. Lemme rephrase that. It matters where they are in the the the the the . . . “
ACT 2
Remember: “Sugar is the new oil”
Dave holds up the heart-shaped potato given to him by the woman in the audience. She wants it back, though. Dave found it ironic or coincidental that the woman’s name was Mary Apple . . . . pomme de terre . . . . that’s French for potato, which translates to “apple of the earth.”
Let’s open the Top Ten: We see the animation fly through. Uh oh, something’s wrong. We come back to Dave and he is a bit confused. He asks if there is a problem? He realizes the top ten animation only made it to #5. Uh oh. That’s not good. A ticked-off Dave gets up and exits to find the source of the problem. He leaves by the door near the spiral staircase. He scurries down a flight of steps to the basement. He enters the boiler room and finds our building engineer George Clarke working on a piece of machinery. To see what happens next, click on the appropriate link in "Last Night on the Late Show" to the right of this column and watch the segment in its entirety.
At the end of the piece, we cut back to the door by the spiral staircase to find the returning Dave. He sits and does the Top Ten. TOP TEN O.J. SIMPSON EXCUSES
ACT 3
We had our potato team searching for our own heart-shaped potatoes and all they could come back with were two potatoes that looked like potatoes.
With the morning traffic in town crazed with police action all over the place due to the important people at the U.N., my stop-and-go morning commute had more stop than go. That left me with no time for me to write up Jamie Foxx, Jimmy Smits, and Will.I.Am. Don’t blame me . . . blame Bush and Ahmadinejad.
JAMIE FOXX: His film, The Kingdom opens Friday.
ACT 4 JON COOMBS: OK, one minute to put as many rubber bands on his head. In 60 seconds, Jon put on 60 rubber bands. Very impressive . . . and girls, he’s still single!
ACT 5 TONY MENDEZ SHOW PROMO: It’s time for the ‘Tony Mendez Show Spotlight!’ This week, Tony experiences his own embarrassing Britney moment onstage. Just log on to www.cbs.com/LateShow. You won’t wanna miss it! We’ll be right back.”
Then read the Wahoo Gazette!
ACT 6 JIMMY SMITS: His new CBS series, Cane, premieres Tuesday night at 10:00 PM. Sugar is the new oil. They’ve been converting sugar into fuel for years in Brazil. Somehow, we still can’t figure out how they do it. Hmmmm.
Jimmy played football in high school, but gave it up to join the Drama Club.
ACT 7 WILL.I.AM: From his CD, “Songs About Girls,” Will.I.Am performed “One More Chance.”
And that was our show for Monday September 24, 2007.
A new commercial on my list of “I Don’t Get It.”
Volvo expects us to spend tens of thousands of dollars on their XC7-Crossover based on their commercial using nothing but the song, “The Wheels on the Car Goes Round and Round”? I don’t get it.
If people want to protest Columbia University, they should protest their football team! Am I right, people?!
I used to walk to Columbia football games back in the late 80s. Lots of fun games. It made for a fine Saturday afternoon of Ivy League football.
I had no problem with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking at Columbia University, until I realized it may screw up my commute.
Very sad news: the legendary mime, Marcel Marceau, passed away this weekend. Au revoir, Marcel. There are no words.
Marcel Marceau: He was choking, but no one believed him.
I wrote the following last week. I was going to delete it today and decided to leave it in since it takes up a good amount of space. It’s a lot of stuff I’ve whined about in the past.
I don’t listen to Yankee games anymore. I haven’t since April. I have been burned too many times by Yankee announcer John Sterling who constantly makes the wrong call on the radio. He constantly goes into his “It is high, it is far, it is gone” song and dance on any Yankee fly ball that approaches the warning track. And all too often, he has to stop before saying “It is gone” when the outfielder saunters under the ball. Well, last week when the Yankees were playing the Red Sox, I was in the car and really wanted to find out the score. I asked Denise to lean over and turn on 880-WCBS. I wouldn’t do it myself. It’s the first I’ve heard the Yankees on the radio since April. I hear one play. A guy on the Red Sox hits a single. There is a close play at the plate. I await the call. Sterling bellows, “And here comes the throw . . . . IN TIME!” I pump my fist, satisfied and proud of the Yankee defense . . . . . and then . . . . . Sterling shouts, “NO, HE’S SAFE!” I growl at my wife, “Turn it off.” She doesn’t understand. “TURN IT OFF!” I yell. Without looking, I know she’s giving me a “You gotta be kidding me; do it yourself” look. I slap the radio buttons, not caring what comes up. Whatever it is, it’ll be better than John Sterling. I hadn’t listened to Sterling and the Yankees on the radio in 5 months and it took 15 seconds to become once again sickened and disgusted by his utter lack of professionalism. I will not listen to the Yankees again until he is gone.
And then last Wednesday morning I hear a replay of John Sterling’s call of a Doug Mientkiewicz home run. I watched it LIVE the night before. He cries out his usual, “It is high, it is far, it is gone!” Right so far. He then adds, “An upper deck home run!” And then a pause. He pauses because he realizes it wasn’t an upper deck home run. He doesn’t correct his call. But who cares? It’s radio! John Sterling can say whatever he wants.
Oh, one more Sterling story. I heard a replay of a recent home run call of his on morning radio. I saw the home run the night before, a line-drive bullet by A-Rod. It was hit so hard that Sterling had to blurt out his, “It is high, it is far, it is gone” in one-third the time. It sounded like one word. I laughed at his dumb schtick. What a hack.
I was watching the Channel 2 Saturday morning CBS news a few weeks ago. A reporter was in a Target store checking out the prices of “back-to-school” items. The reporter holds up a box of pencils and asks the anchorwoman at the desk, “How much do you think this pack of pencils sells for?”
The anchorwoman says, “I have no idea.”
The reporter tries again; “Take a guess. How much for this pack of pencils?”
The anchorwoman, “I can’t guess. I don’t know. My kids are too young.”
I screamed at the TV, “ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION - IT’S NOT A TEST!”
The reporter, still holding the box of pencils, pauses. With a stiff smile and clenched teeth, she exclaims, “it costs only a penny!”
Gee, whiz. Why wouldn’t the anchorwoman answer the question? What was she afraid of? She was probably afraid to be wrong, look dumb, and be revealed as being unworthy of the lofty position of anchorwoman on a network news team. But she IS worthy! She’s pretty! That’s all she needs.
Hey, New York Times. I’m from MoveOn.org. How about selling me a copy of today’s paper for a nickel?
Something new, it’s WAHOO PHILOSOPHY CORNER Socrates. (470 BC–399 BC) was a Classical Greek philosopher who is widely credited for laying the foundation for Western philosophy. Plato (428– 348BC), was an ancient Greek philosopher, the second of the great trio of ancient Greeks –succeeding Socrates and preceding Aristotle. Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC) was a Greek philosopher, a student of Plato
Tonight’s featured Philosopher: Socrates:
- "One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."
- "He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have."
- "What you cannot enforce, do not command."
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER Traci. I only ignored you because I didn’t see you.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Jamie Foxx; Jimmy Smits; and Will.I.Am. PLUS:A Harry Story; Floyd Landis; Ahmadinejad on “60 Minutes”; The New CBS Monday Night Lineup; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; The Top Ten Machine Breaks Down; A Kid and His Rubber Bands; and a Heart-Shaped Potato.
“ . . . and now, Marcel Marceau’s protégé . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1
Dave knew it was coming eventually. Harry, his mom, and Dave were seated around the dinner table. Harry asks, “Daddy, how old are you?” Dave cringes and says, “I’m 60.” Harry then looks to his mom and says, “Mommy, is daddy teasing?”
Ever have one of those bad days; things just ain’t right? You ask yourself, “What will cheer me up? Drugs? No, that’s not the answer. Alcohol? No, not alcohol either. What will cheer someone up on a bad day? Answer: A heart-shaped potato.
Big reaction from the audience. It must have been a pre-show Q&A thing. A woman in the audience says she had a heart-shaped potato.
Cyclist Floyd Landis lost his appeal of a positive doping test last week. He was stripped of his 2006 Tour De France title and also received a two-year ban. Sounds like he could use a heart-shaped potato. And he is here tonight. Come on out, Floyd!
A fat Floyd Landis rides out on his bicycle and continues on out through the back of the house. It’s too bad he didn’t stop to explain his side.
In the green room tonight is a college kid named Jon Coombs of New Albany, Indiana. He’s a telecommunications major at the University of Indiana. What is he going to do for us tonight? He’s gong to see how many rubber bands he can wrap around his head in 60 seconds. The camera widens to reveal 70 or so rubber bands on the table. How did Jon come up with this hobby? He says he was bored one day. Ahh, college life. I remember it well . . . or at least I try to. We’ll come back later to watch Jon practice his hobby.
Did you folks see President Ahmadinejad Sunday night on 60 Minutes? There was a slightly odd and awkward moment. We see a clip of the Iranian President with “60 Minutes” correspondent Scott Pelley. Pelley: “What trait do you admire in President Bush?” Ahmadinejad: (through a translator) “He works out a great deal and as such, he has a very firm ass. It’s an ass I’d like to know a little better. You have a firm ass as well, Scott.”
Pelley looks at Mahmoud perplexed.
Are you folks excited for the new fall television season? CBS is heavily promoting all their shows. We watch. Announce: “The new fall television season is here and tonight, CBS has it all! The hilarious! (scene from “How I Met Your Mother”).
The suspenseful (scene from “CSI: Miami”).
And the bitterly disappointing (scene of Dave on the Late Show).
Only on CBS.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES Bush: “It doesn’t matter if …. to us. . . . whether they do it in terms of 6-party talks, cuz they’re both equally important to us . . . I guess is the best way to say it . . . . it DOES matter. Lemme rephrase that. It matters where they are in the the the the the . . . “
ACT 2
Remember: “Sugar is the new oil”
Dave holds up the heart-shaped potato given to him by the woman in the audience. She wants it back, though. Dave found it ironic or coincidental that the woman’s name was Mary Apple . . . . pomme de terre . . . . that’s French for potato, which translates to “apple of the earth.”
Let’s open the Top Ten: We see the animation fly through. Uh oh, something’s wrong. We come back to Dave and he is a bit confused. He asks if there is a problem? He realizes the top ten animation only made it to #5. Uh oh. That’s not good. A ticked-off Dave gets up and exits to find the source of the problem. He leaves by the door near the spiral staircase. He scurries down a flight of steps to the basement. He enters the boiler room and finds our building engineer George Clarke working on a piece of machinery. To see what happens next, click on the appropriate link in "Last Night on the Late Show" to the right of this column and watch the segment in its entirety.
At the end of the piece, we cut back to the door by the spiral staircase to find the returning Dave. He sits and does the Top Ten. TOP TEN O.J. SIMPSON EXCUSES
ACT 3
We had our potato team searching for our own heart-shaped potatoes and all they could come back with were two potatoes that looked like potatoes.
With the morning traffic in town crazed with police action all over the place due to the important people at the U.N., my stop-and-go morning commute had more stop than go. That left me with no time for me to write up Jamie Foxx, Jimmy Smits, and Will.I.Am. Don’t blame me . . . blame Bush and Ahmadinejad.
JAMIE FOXX: His film, The Kingdom opens Friday.
ACT 4 JON COOMBS: OK, one minute to put as many rubber bands on his head. In 60 seconds, Jon put on 60 rubber bands. Very impressive . . . and girls, he’s still single!
ACT 5 TONY MENDEZ SHOW PROMO: It’s time for the ‘Tony Mendez Show Spotlight!’ This week, Tony experiences his own embarrassing Britney moment onstage. Just log on to www.cbs.com/LateShow. You won’t wanna miss it! We’ll be right back.”
Then read the Wahoo Gazette!
ACT 6 JIMMY SMITS: His new CBS series, Cane, premieres Tuesday night at 10:00 PM. Sugar is the new oil. They’ve been converting sugar into fuel for years in Brazil. Somehow, we still can’t figure out how they do it. Hmmmm.
Jimmy played football in high school, but gave it up to join the Drama Club.
ACT 7 WILL.I.AM: From his CD, “Songs About Girls,” Will.I.Am performed “One More Chance.”
And that was our show for Monday September 24, 2007.
A new commercial on my list of “I Don’t Get It.”
Volvo expects us to spend tens of thousands of dollars on their XC7-Crossover based on their commercial using nothing but the song, “The Wheels on the Car Goes Round and Round”? I don’t get it.
If people want to protest Columbia University, they should protest their football team! Am I right, people?!
I used to walk to Columbia football games back in the late 80s. Lots of fun games. It made for a fine Saturday afternoon of Ivy League football.
I had no problem with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking at Columbia University, until I realized it may screw up my commute.
Very sad news: the legendary mime, Marcel Marceau, passed away this weekend. Au revoir, Marcel. There are no words.
Marcel Marceau: He was choking, but no one believed him.
I wrote the following last week. I was going to delete it today and decided to leave it in since it takes up a good amount of space. It’s a lot of stuff I’ve whined about in the past.
I don’t listen to Yankee games anymore. I haven’t since April. I have been burned too many times by Yankee announcer John Sterling who constantly makes the wrong call on the radio. He constantly goes into his “It is high, it is far, it is gone” song and dance on any Yankee fly ball that approaches the warning track. And all too often, he has to stop before saying “It is gone” when the outfielder saunters under the ball. Well, last week when the Yankees were playing the Red Sox, I was in the car and really wanted to find out the score. I asked Denise to lean over and turn on 880-WCBS. I wouldn’t do it myself. It’s the first I’ve heard the Yankees on the radio since April. I hear one play. A guy on the Red Sox hits a single. There is a close play at the plate. I await the call. Sterling bellows, “And here comes the throw . . . . IN TIME!” I pump my fist, satisfied and proud of the Yankee defense . . . . . and then . . . . . Sterling shouts, “NO, HE’S SAFE!” I growl at my wife, “Turn it off.” She doesn’t understand. “TURN IT OFF!” I yell. Without looking, I know she’s giving me a “You gotta be kidding me; do it yourself” look. I slap the radio buttons, not caring what comes up. Whatever it is, it’ll be better than John Sterling. I hadn’t listened to Sterling and the Yankees on the radio in 5 months and it took 15 seconds to become once again sickened and disgusted by his utter lack of professionalism. I will not listen to the Yankees again until he is gone.
And then last Wednesday morning I hear a replay of John Sterling’s call of a Doug Mientkiewicz home run. I watched it LIVE the night before. He cries out his usual, “It is high, it is far, it is gone!” Right so far. He then adds, “An upper deck home run!” And then a pause. He pauses because he realizes it wasn’t an upper deck home run. He doesn’t correct his call. But who cares? It’s radio! John Sterling can say whatever he wants.
Oh, one more Sterling story. I heard a replay of a recent home run call of his on morning radio. I saw the home run the night before, a line-drive bullet by A-Rod. It was hit so hard that Sterling had to blurt out his, “It is high, it is far, it is gone” in one-third the time. It sounded like one word. I laughed at his dumb schtick. What a hack.
I was watching the Channel 2 Saturday morning CBS news a few weeks ago. A reporter was in a Target store checking out the prices of “back-to-school” items. The reporter holds up a box of pencils and asks the anchorwoman at the desk, “How much do you think this pack of pencils sells for?”
The anchorwoman says, “I have no idea.”
The reporter tries again; “Take a guess. How much for this pack of pencils?”
The anchorwoman, “I can’t guess. I don’t know. My kids are too young.”
I screamed at the TV, “ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION - IT’S NOT A TEST!”
The reporter, still holding the box of pencils, pauses. With a stiff smile and clenched teeth, she exclaims, “it costs only a penny!”
Gee, whiz. Why wouldn’t the anchorwoman answer the question? What was she afraid of? She was probably afraid to be wrong, look dumb, and be revealed as being unworthy of the lofty position of anchorwoman on a network news team. But she IS worthy! She’s pretty! That’s all she needs.
Hey, New York Times. I’m from MoveOn.org. How about selling me a copy of today’s paper for a nickel?
Something new, it’s WAHOO PHILOSOPHY CORNER Socrates. (470 BC–399 BC) was a Classical Greek philosopher who is widely credited for laying the foundation for Western philosophy. Plato (428– 348BC), was an ancient Greek philosopher, the second of the great trio of ancient Greeks –succeeding Socrates and preceding Aristotle. Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC) was a Greek philosopher, a student of Plato
Tonight’s featured Philosopher: Socrates:
- "One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."
- "He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have."
- "What you cannot enforce, do not command."
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER Traci. I only ignored you because I didn’t see you.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Floyd Landis • Introduce Rubber Band Kid, Jon Coombs • "60 Minutes" Interview with Iranian President Ahmadinejad • CBS Monday Night Line-Up Promo • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • The Heart-Shaped Potato • The Top Ten Machine Breaks Down Watch now • Top Ten O.J. Simpson Excuses Read now
ACT 3 • Jamie Foxx
ACT 4 • Rubber Band Kid, Jon Coombs
ACT 5 • Audience Shot: Tony Mendez Show Promo
ACT 6 • Jimmy Smits
ACT 7 • Will.I.Am performs "I Got It From My Mama" • Show Close
