" . . . and now, a man produced in a facility that processes nuts . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
On our show tonight, Martha Stewart. Dave recaps a bit of her background, what she over came, and why she went away for a while after killing a guy. And now she's back. And we're glad to have her.

Yesterday, the new cast of "The View" had their first official fight. One can hear a disappointing moan and groan from the audience. We have a clip of that fight.
We see the team of hosts getting in a testy disagreement and just as it really starts to get heated, color bars appear on the screen. Under the color bars you can hear a fight ensue and glass breaking and curse words being spewed. It turned ugly.

The Russian government tested a revolutionary new bomb earlier this week. We're still learning about it, but from the details that have been released so far, it seems very frightening. We see an announcement.
Announcer:

"This week, the Russians tested a device they describe as 'the father of all bombs.' This ominous weapon is among the most treacherous ever known, packing more destructive force than America's Massive Ordinance Air Blast bombs, more than our thermobaric bombs, and almost as much as this: (shot of Britney Spears dancing at the MTV Video Music Awards.)
Russia: Don't Screw With Us."

Yesterday, Senator Larry Craig issued a formal statement praising our progress in Iraq. In case you missed it, we had a copy of it.
Larry Craig narrates:

"Despite rampant partisan criticism, all evidence shows that we are making progress in Iraq. Our brave forces are boldly entering every part of the troubled nation, thrusting in and driving insurgents out, then thrusting again, in and out, faster and harder with ever-increasing vigor until finally the surge unleashes its glorious liberation all over . . . . I have to go to the men's room.
Larry Craig: Compassionate conservative."

"In a recent survey, the Associated Press found that most Americans believe television programming is getting worse and worse.
74% say it began going downhill after peaking in the 1950s."
(photo of The Honeymooners)
"56% believe it happened after the heyday of the 1970s."
(photo of All In The Family)
"And 98% say television goes down the toilet every night around 11:30"
(clip of Dave at the monologue mark)
"Television: Your electronic friend."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
We see JFK.
We see Reagan.
We see George W. Bush: at a podium, looking at someone off-camera: "I'm looking forward to you buying me lunch today . . . . . . I'm a meat man . . . ."

ACT 2
Dave has a football in his hand. It's one of the footballs the Patriots used in their game on Sunday against the New York Jets. But check this out . . . . Dave opens up one end of the football to reveal a camera lens poking out. How about that? If you're not a pro football fan, you did not get the joke. I think many in the audience are not football fans.

TOP TEN: Things Billy Bob Thornton Would Like To Say To America
8. I hope all that money doesn't change Leona Helmsley's dog.
3. I have a tattoo of Martha Stewart on my ass.
2. I traded my Academy Award for a chimpanzee named Marty.
Dave enjoyed that one, and I think it had a lot to do with Billy Bob's pronunciation of the word chimPANzee.
To see the rest of Billy Bob Thornton's Top Ten, you can find it someplace on the Late Show website.
Billy Bob's "Mr. Woodcock" opens on Friday. It looks funny.

ACT 3
Dave has another football at the demo table as Martha Stewart makes her entrance. What's with the football? Dave says it's another version of the Patriots football joke. This time Dave opens up the football in half, revealing a camcorder hidden inside. Dave throws it away and says people can vote online for which joke they prefer.

MARTHA STEWART: She's here to make Zucchini Fritters, but first she shows off some of what she picked from her garden. From the garden:
- Hairy Balls. Of course this led to some comical questioning. Martha proceeded to mention Hairy Balls 4 more times, much to Dave's chagrin.
- Honey from her bees.
- Golden raspberries.
- tomateos (sp)
Dave is doubtful and wonders the last time Martha was actually in a garden. She says she was in her garden this morning. Dave doesn't believe her, claiming she has people to pick her vegetable while she rides around in a cart whipping the help. Martha denies the claim
And she has some Ocra. Dave puts the long and thin ocra up next to the hairy balls and challenges Martha to say something. "C'mon, say something now!"
Time to make the Zucchini Fritters. She hands Dave a zucchini and asks if he'll do the grating. And exhausted Dave says, "Ahh, why don't you do your own grating." Martha proceeds to do it all. Seconds later, an impatient Dave says "Why don't you just show us the finished product?" Dave looks under the demo table for the finished zucchini fritters which are not there.
Martha is a little nervous. President Clinton is coming on her show next week and isn't sure how to handle it. Any suggestions? Dave tells her, "It's tough getting him to start talking."
She's also having Usher on the show. "Have you ever had Usher on your show?" she asks Dave.
Dave answers, "Uhhh, I don't know. Maybe."
Finally when the zucchini fritters are finished, Dave invites Paul over to taste. And he enjoys.
And that's Martha. You can see her on "The Martha Stewart Show."
Dave was at his best with Martha tonight. Very very funny.

I know you're all dying to know. Here it is:

Zucchini Fritters
Ingredients
Serves 4
1 pound zucchini (about 2 medium)
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon freshly grated lemon zest (1 lemon)
10 sprigs fresh flat-leaf parsley, stems removed and leaves finely chopped, plus more sprigs for garnish (optional)
1 medium clove garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 cup all-purpose flour

Directions:
Using the large holes of a box grater, grate zucchini into a medium bowl. Add salt, lemon zest, chopped parsley, garlic, pepper, and eggs. Mix well to combine. Slowly add flour, stirring so no lumps form.
Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil in a large sauté pan over medium-high meat until oil sizzles when you drop a small amount of zucchini mixture into the pan. Carefully drop about 2 tablespoons zucchini mixture into pan; repeat, spacing fritters a few inches apart.
Cook fritters until golden, 2 to 3 minutes. Reduce heat to medium. Turn fritters, and continue cooking until golden, 2 to 3 minutes more. Transfer fritters to a plate; set aside in a warm place. Cook remaining zucchini mixture, adding more oil to pan if necessary. Garnish with parsley sprigs and lemon wedges, if desired. Serve. Bon appetit.

ACT 4
And now it's time for another visit from our old friend and American humorist, Mark Twain.
Scrim rise. Graphic: "Mark Twain Tonight"
We find Mark Twain sitting in an antique rocker.
Mark Twain: "Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you come in. Twain's the name, Mark Twain.
Recently, I went to see my doctor. I said, ‘Every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He replied, ‘I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.' (rim shot)
I didn't feel love as a child. Growing up, my father used to carry around the picture of the kid who came with the wallet. (rim shot)
Seriously, I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my uncle fought for the West! (rim shot)
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (rim shot)
Here's how bad things are for me: a hooker once told me she had a headache. (rim shot)
But I wanna tell ya, I get no respect. The last time I checked into a hotel, when I asked the bellhop to handle my bag, he groped my wife. (rim shot)
Goodnight, everybody."
Scrim lowers. Graphic: "Mark Twain Tonight"

ACT 5:
Announce: "Hey, audience, this is your chance to be on TV! Smile and wave so your loved one at home can see you."
This message is spelled out on the screen in big letters, making it impossible to see any individual in the audience.

ACT 6
FRED WILLARD: Oh, yeah, he's a favorite of mine. Very very funny. I first got to know Fred Willard on Fernwood Tonight many years ago. To this day, Fernwood Tonight remains the fastest half-hour in television.
Fred told a story about appearing on the Ed Sullivan show years ago as part of the Greco & Willard comedy team. He describes how Ed was Ed that night.
Fred also appeared at the Stadium of Fire recently on the BYU campus. There was some trouble with the feedback at the stadium, much like Lou Gehrig during his famous farewell speech at Yankee Stadium. So frustrated was Lou that at the end he just waved his hand in disgust and said, "Ahh, forget it!" You never see that part because it's been cut out of the clip.
Dave asks about the blind prostitute story Fred told the last time he was here. Fred quickly replies, "Oh, yes, you really have to hand it to them."
Fred had me laughing from start to finish, as usual.
And he's back on television in the much-hyped Fox program, "Back To You" with Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton. It premieres Wednesday September 19th at 8:00.

ACT 7
M.I.A.

And that was our show for Thursday, September 13, 2007.



Rosie O'Donnell is in the news again. She's written a book that is getting some people riled up. I always thought Rosie was a great guest and a dynamic talk show host, always quick to create excitement, either good or bad. Of course, I'm not much of a fan of hers anymore. A few weeks ago she made a K-turn on a busy street in Nyack, New York. I was behind her and had to wait for her to complete the illegal turn. I had to wait.

Traffic. My whole life is about traffic. Don't mess with me.

Tuesday's New York Times:

Corrections: For The Record
"An article on Aug. 7 about closing arguments in a double murder trial involving two men linked to the Russian mob in Brooklyn misspelled the given name of a witness."

For a Hall of Fame point guard, Isiah Thomas sure made a clumsy and misguided pass.

It's here! My new neighborhood bar, Woody's, is now open. It's been closed since April 1st and now it's back under the new name, Woody's. I drove by it last night and it was packed with opening night customers. I'm looking forward to making a return to the place and only hope they haven't fixed it up too much. I doubt if they'll have it but I hope they have pickled eggs behind the bar. That, and Slim Jims. You need nothing more than that at a beer-drinking joint.

That priest with the bad combover served Mass last week. I may have mentioned him before. He's a visiting priest with a really bad combover. I spend the whole time looking at him and wondering, "Why would a priest have a combover?" First, God made him bald. Is he questioning God's will? What's he thinking when he's standing in front of the mirror: "Yeah, God made me bald, but I have a better idea." And then I'm thinking, "Who is he trying to impress?" And why go with a combover? Could it be vanity?

GOOGLE celebrated author Raold Dahl's birthday today on the Google logo. Happy Birthday, Raold!

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn't.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Cincinnait, Ohio, it's Boston Red Sox fan, Kent "Little Papi" Stickney
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER