" . . . and now, hard-shelled amphibian . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1
Apple unveils its hotly anticipated iPhone on Friday. Dave shows off his new iPhone. He is the first on the block to own one. It's the new iPhone. It has 8 gigabytes. Demand is so great that Apple is coming out with the next best thing, the iPhone Nano. It's tiny, about the size of a Chicklet. It goes for $1,100 and you can make up to one call. And it doubles as a breath mint. Dave pops it in his mouth and then spits it out.

Let's see what our costume designer Susan Hum thinks of that. We cut to Susan sitting in the green room. Sue, attired in a nice breezy summery red dress, sums up the iPhone Nano joke: "I liked it a lot. I thought it was pretty funny when you spitted it out."

A publisher is releasing a collection of poetry by prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. A rep went to Cuba and said, "Hey, kids, let's write some poetry." The put together a book entitled "Poets of Gitmo." Here is one of their poems.

"The air that reeked of pain and death
Now smells of lilac and baby's breath.
Thoughts of home keep my heart afloat,
I miss my wife. I miss my goat."

As Dave goes on to the next line of business, he is interrupted by a Wimbledon Highlight. The announcer proclaims, "We interrupt this program to bring you a re-creation of today's Wimbledon Highlight." We cut to a match of the video game, Pong.
Announcer: "Thanks for watching. We now return you to 'The Brian Benben Show,' already in progress.

HBO is developing a miniseries about Saddam Hussein and his family, and like most of HBO's work, it looks like a very impressive production. We see the opening credits to the new HBO series, "Who's The Murderous Dictator?" To the theme of "Who's The Boss," we see various shots of the whimsical Saddam and family cavorting about the grounds of Iraq; killing, maiming, and other fun stuff like that.

What does Sue Hum think about the new HBO series about Saddam and his family? Sue Hum - "I think it's not gonna fly at all."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see Susan Hum at the JFK inauguration blowing a bubble with her wad of bubblegum.
We see George W. Bush: "First, I recognize . . . . . first . . . . . . . . . ."

ACT 2
We come back to see Dave holding a very odd hat-like device with lots of wires plugged into it. It's something that the researches at Hitachi developed: A brain-powered remote control which allows you to operate everything in your home simply by thinking of it. They sent Dave the prototype to test out. Dave describes it as "a little Flash Gordon-ee." Dave puts it on his head. Dave directs his attention to the mug of pencils on his desk. Dave concentrates. Suddenly, like magic, the mug of pencils begins to levitate. You probably thought there was some kind of filament attached to the mug and someone above was lifting the mug off the desk. But you would be wrong. It was all done by Dave and his brain-powered remote control device on his head.

Dave is very excited . . . she just got out of prison and she decided to come here tonight. Say hello to Paris Hilton.

ASK PARIS HILTON
Paris Hilton, dressed as former Late Show writer Gerry Mulligan, enters wearing a typical pocket t-shirt and jeans.
Band plays "You Be Illin'" by Run DMC

1. ADAM GRIFFITH, MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN: "WERE YOU NERVOUS DURING YOUR INTERVIEW WITH LARRY KING EARLIER TONIGHT?"
Paris: "Yeah, nervous that Larry was going to drop dead. The guy's like a hundred" rim shot
Mulligan (shadow boxing): "Eye of the Tiger! Eye of the Tiger! Eye of the Tiger!"

2. JOHN HAMILTON, NORFOLK, VIRGINIA: "WHAT WILL YOU MISS MOST ABOUT PRISON?"
Paris: "Oh, the lazy Sunday morning brunches and the fresh flowers . . . Nothing! I was in prison, you moron!"
rim shot
Mulligan (pulls out an imaginary arrow from behind and fires)
SFX - BOING
- "That was a comedy bullseye!"

3. CARL LEVY, SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA: "DO YOU THINK YOU'LL STAY IN TOUCH WITH ANYONE YOU MET IN PRISON?"
Paris: "I know I'll be talking to Marlene from Cell H. Bitch still has my mascara." rim shot
Mulligan: "I'll cut anyone who crosses me!"

4. DANIEL GREENBERG, DOVER, DELAWARE: "IS DAVID LETTERMAN PAYING YOU FOR THIS INTERVIEW?"
Paris: (sexy, push in close) "Oh, he's paying me, but not in money . . . ."
rim shot
Mulligan (points to audience, chants) "Go Paris! Go Paris! Go Paris! Go Paris! Go Paris!" Mulligan continues, and the audience joins in.

5. LOU FRANZEN, ISLAND PARK, NEW YORK: "TELL US SOMETHING WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT PRISON"
Paris: "Not every female guard looks like Rosie O'Donnell"
rim shot
Mulligan (pulls out imaginary guy, shoots)
SFX: gunfire
"I'm firing with both barrels tonight!" (keeps shooting)

6. ROY ALBERTSON, ELKO, NEVADA: "DID YOU GET ANY TATOOS IN PRISON?"
Paris: "I got one, but it's in a very personal place I only let my boyfriend and millions of strangers on the internet see."
rim shot
Mulligan (hand under armpit, moves elbow up and down)
- "Bite me! Bite me! Bite me!" (continues)

7. DALE REYNOLDS, SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA: "WHAT IS PRISON LIKE?"
Paris: "Pure torture, kinda like being in Letterman's audience"
rim shot
Mulligan: "It is high! It is far! It is GONE! The Melkman delivers! Touch 'em all!"

8. JOHN MARTIN, MIAMI, FLORIDA: "I'VE READ THAT YOU GOT SPECIAL TREATMENT IN PRISON. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?"
Paris: "Not true. The guards treated me the same they would anyone who gave them thousands of dollars."
rim shot
Mulligan (tossing cash) "It's raining! Check it out! It's raining!" (continues)

9. PAUL DUVAL, NEW YORK, NEW YORK: "WE HEAR YOU FOUND GOD. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE BIBLE?"
Paris: "The amazing story of how that dude from 'The Office' built a boat and saved some monkeys"
rim shot
Mulligan: "Oh, Elizabeth, this is the big one. . . this is the big one! I'm gonna join you."

10. MARK SANDERSON, CRANSTON, RHODE ISLAND: "HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO CLAIMS THAT YOU ARE A SPOILED, SELFISH PERSON WITH WAY TOO MUCH MONEY AND VERY LITTLE TALENT?"
Paris: (no response)
DAVE: "PARIS?"
Paris: "Oh, sorry. I thought that one was for you."
rim shot
(That joke works every time)

11. PETER KAPLAN, WHITTIER, CALIFORNIA: "WHAT SHOULD WE DO TO CURB THE GROWING SECTARIAN VIOLENCE IN IRAQ?"
Paris: "Look, I think one idiot handling Iraq policy is enough."
rim shot
Mulligan begins to exit: "That's my time. But the new Apple iPhone. It's six hundred dollars for a phone!"
Exits

It's nice to have Paris back.
You wouldn't believe all the time we put into that piece. When it runs smooth like that, you know there was a lot of preparation that went in to it.

ACT 3
CLAIRE DANES
Claire and her boyfriend recently went to Hawaii and became card-carrying, certified divers. It involved intense training of dives into a pool followed by 4 dives in the big fat sea. One portion of the training involved the instructor feigning panic and Claire having to save him. She advised the panicked swimmer, "I am certified diver. I am here to help you." She then got him in a headlock and swam him to safety after inflating his BCD. A shocked Dave says, "You actually inflated his BCD in front of your boyfriend." Yes, like she said, the training was intense. Since then, Claire finds herself giving underwater hand signs even when she isn't diving. She admits to feeling like a dork. And from the fun facts I've been providing in the Wahoo Gazette recently, we all know what a dork is. Claire Danes: starring in the film, "Evening," opening this Friday.

ACT 4
Late May brings Fleet Week to Manhattan. Thousands of military personnel come to the city to enjoy the sights and sounds. And each year we invite hundreds to march through our theater. But that's in late May. This isn't Fleet Week. So instead, tonight, we have this . . . . NON-SAILORS! The doors to the theater open and hundreds of non-sailors . . . simple, everyday tourists . . . . enter the theater and congregate on stage. Yes, it's non-sailors! After the entire gathering of tourists are on stage, we cut to Dave and Sue in the green room. What did she think of that? I don't remember, but I'm sure she thought it was fantastic.

ACT 5
Announce: "Can you guess what this photo it?" (tight close-up of a photo) "Did you get it? If you guessed a guy with a combover riding the New Jersey Transit Bus from Newark to New York City photographed by a Late Show staffer, you're correct! We'll be right back with more fun and surprises!"

ACT 6
DAN PATRICK AND KEITH OLBERMANN: of ESPN radio's "The Big Show." These two were at ESPN TV at the beginning doing Sports Center. They bought a wackiness to the sports news show, bring a smart-aleck attitude to the sportscast. Keith says he used the old radio/TV comedy team of Bob and Ray as a guide. Dan and Keith's main goal during the telecast was to make the other guy laugh. The viewer was often the one who benefited.
Dan recalls one early telecast where during a commercial break he was given a late breaking report about a Detroit Tiger pitcher. The pitcher? According to the young production assistant, his name was "Ben Blow Doll." Dan didn't think that was right. "Blow Doll?" Seconds were ticking by as Dan fretted over the correct pronunciation of the name. Blow Doll? Dan wanted verification. He didn't want to go on the air and become known as the broadcaster who said "Blow Doll" on the air. Just before going with the report, he learned it was not "Blow Doll" but "Blomdahl." The production assistant forgot the 'M.' Dan went on with the correct pronunciation. Oooo, missed it by 'that' much.
Ben Blomdahl: pitcher for the Detroit Tigers. 1 year, 1995. Pitched 14 games; no wins, no losses, one save. Appeared in 24 innings with a 7.77 ERA.

ACT 7
RYAN ADAMS AND THE CARDINALS: From the new CD, "Easy Tiger," Ryan Adams and the Cardinals performed "Two." I found their singing "Two" ironic since they sang another song immediately following their first song for the website.

And that was our show for Wednesday, June 27, 2007.



My daughter Danielle played some city basketball last weekend. On the way home, I decided to stop in at the Yankee Stadium. The Yanks were away and I was curious to see how the area is on an off-day and I wanted to get a gander of the new stadium that's going up and will be ready for the 2008 season. As I looked at the original, I couldn't understand the need for a new ballyard in the south Bronx. The old one is fine. I really didn't hear fans crying out for a new stadium, yet the city and the Yankees convinced each other one was needed. I'm sure those who were in on this decision will have no problem getting tickets to a game when the new place is built. It'll be the fans, the regular normal everyday fans, who will have to pay more for a ticket, if one is available for the next 5 years. I can think of many other places this money could be spent. And then I realized the New York Mets are also getting a new baseball stadium, the New York Jets and Giants are building a shared football stadium, the Jersey Nets are getting a new basketball arena in Brooklyn, and the New Jersey Devils are getting a new arena in Newark, New Jersey. All so unnecessary.

You know, for someone who has played sports his whole life, I have the smallest biceps I know. I got nothing between my elbow and shoulder. My forearms are bigger.

While reading the USA Today the other day: "Nebraska: Hastings - This city was named by Yahoo as the 'Greenest City in America.' Current initiatives in Hastings include conversion of methane to energy, production of the ethanol fuel blend called E-85, and installation of energy-efficient street lighting"
Congratulations, Hastings, Nebraska. Yes, that's Hastings, home of the once-famous Christopher Schukei.

*And now, even more useless information from "The Ultimate Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- Even with its favorite food laid out to tempt it, the tortoise can manage a top speed of only five yards a minute --- 0.17 miles an hour.
- the rattlesnake has the best heat-detecting equipment in nature. Using the two organs between its eyes and nostrils it can locate a mouse by its body heat at a distance of 15 miles.
- most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale
- as of 2002, rats in New York City outnumbered humans by twelve to one.
- in a single night, a mole can tunnel 220 feet

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his 49th birthday on Tuesday, July 3rd. He was born so long ago America only had 48 states at the time, from Cudahy, Wisconsin, it's Tim Eberhardy.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER