On the show tonight, Dan Rather, Tricia Helfer, and Andy Kindler. Tricia Helfer stars in the Sci-Fi Channel’s Battlestar Galactica and she also adorns the cover and inside spread of February’s "Playboy" magazine. Dave shows the "Playboy" cover of Tricia Helfer, who bares the upper portion of her hind. I don’t know if we are able to show that. If she had a monkey wrench in her hand and pretended to be a plumber, it would have been no problem.

The freezing weather has devastated this year’s citrus crop. The results are not pretty. Dave holds up something he found in the supermarket today.
It a carton of “Tropicana Just Rind.” Dave opens the carton and pours. Only orange rinds fall into the glass. Poor Anita Bryant.

How are the guests on tonight’s show? Paul answers in a soft and soothing voice, “Wonderful.” Dave and Paul laugh. Must be something pre-show in the dressing room.

LATE SHOW FUN FACTS
- In 21 U.S. states, Wal-Mart is the single largest employer
- The “WD” in WD-40 stands for “Water Displacer”
- 50% of Americans account for half of the United States population
- LL Cool J once marketed a line of mail-order clothing under the name “LL Cool Bean”
- According to the FAA, God is not licensed to be a co-pilot.
- The chicken preceded the egg by nearly 3 minutes
- Around the world, every 23 seconds someone is having sex in a carpet store
- After the Taco Bell e.coli scare, “Chalupa” briefly fell out of the 10 Most Popular Baby Names
- The eulogy at Saddam Hussein’s funeral was delivered by Pat Sajak
- The All-U-Can-Eat buffet was invented by the Incas
- Colonel Sanders once admitted to his therapist that at age three, he was nearly pecked to death by a rooster
- On the next King of Queens, Doug gets suckered into buying a water filtration device from his annoying neighbor. (Huh? Sounds like something from the TV Guide. How’d that get in there?)
- James K. Polk was America’s only openly gay President. (Hence, the name --- sorry. Bad joke.)
- As a young man, George W. Bush once spent three days in a revolving door
- The Constitution guarantees every American the right to a hot meal at a fair price. - George Washington died of a wig infection
- And finally, Oral-B is the name of a dental products company. It is also Bill Clinton’s Secret Service nickname.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: something about a kick to the economy.
Dave points out that when we saw JFK making his inaugural speech, sitting just to the President’s right was our own Alan Kalter. Is there a story behind that? Alan says he was a working as a seat- filler.

TOP TEN: Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Buying the 108-inch Television – Last week at the International Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, Sharp Electronics unveiled the world’s largest television --- 108 inches.
It will be available this summer. A price has yet to be determined.
To read tonight’s Top Ten, click on the Top Ten in “Last Night on the Late Show.”
My Top Ten pitch: “Will it fit in my 107-inch New York City apartment?”

DAN RATHER: What’s he been up to? Dan says, “I feel like I’ve been rode hard and put to bed.”
Dan is now working on his weekly news program, “Dan Rather Reports” on HDNet TV, Tuesdays at 8:00 PM. He was recently introduced as working on a network with hard of hearing people.
Dave asks Dan about the President’s appearance on 60 Minutes last Sunday. What does he think about the increase of 20,000 troops? Dan wonders about the word “surge”. He wants to know who and how they came up with that word. They didn’t want to use the word “escalate.” Condoleezza Rice used the word “augmentation” the other day to describe the increase. Nixon, during the invasion of Cambodia, did not want to use the word “invade.” He used the word “incursion” instead. Dan says he would like to be the meetings where they decide on the words they use.
Iraq? Dan wonders who we will recognize when we win. The increase of 20,000 troops? It will not make the impact some may think. They will be spread out; some will have to be sleeping; some will be in transit; so when you say an increase of 20,000, it will be much less that at any one time.
Dan finishes by saying we should have gone into Afghanistan, stayed in Afghanistan, and should have gotten Osama by now. “When was the last time you heard of Osama” Dan asks. Dave mentions the 3,000 war dead. Dan reminds us that there are also 20,000-30,000 injured and maimed that we don’t hear about.
“Dan Rather Reports” – Tuesdays at 8:00 PM on HDNet. TRICIA HELFER: She on the Sci-Fi Channel’s Battlestar Galactica, Sundays at 10:00 PM. Does Paul ever get the chance to watch the Sci-Fi Channel? Paul says, “Oh, it’s wonderful.”
Tricia grew up on a farm in Alberta, Canada. Her family raised grain, such as wheat and barley. At the age of 10, she drove her first tractor . . . and drove it into a ditch. She tried to put it into second gear, lost control, and ended up in a ditch.
Tricia is on the cover of February’s "Playboy" magazine. Dave wonders what it is like back home on the farm and in the small town she grew up when they find out she’s on the cover of such a magazine. I forgot what she said but I see in my notes something about meeting the neighbors with a shotgun.
What kind of fans watch the Sci-Fi Channel? Tricia says “I find they are very intelligent.” Her character is a ‘humanoid cylon”??, a clone only the creator can see. Fans of the show are pretty intense and will ask why only the creator can see her; “is it a chip in his head? It is his imagination?” Tricia has no idea.
If not for show biz and modeling, what would Tricia be doing? She thinks she may have gone in to psychiatry. Dave holds up the Playboy magazine with Tricia on the cover and says, “This is psychiatry’s loss.”

WILL IT FLOAT?: Item: 7 pound mound of marzipan. Dave and Paul both side with “float.” The LATE SHOW models drop the slab into the "Will It Float?" tank and it . . . . . SINKS! And that’s why we play the game.

What is marzipan? I never heard of it so I looked it up.
Marzipan is a confection consisting primarily of sugar and ground almonds. Marzipan is often made into sweets: common uses are marzipan-filled chocolate and small marzipan imitations of fruits and vegetables. It is also rolled into thin sheets and glazed for icing cakes.

ACT 5: Alan V.O.: “Hotel accommodations for guests of the Late Show are provided by . . . I think I’m missing some copy here . . . it just cuts off . . . (gets angry) . . I’m missing copy. What do we do? Can someone make a G-damn decision??! Well if you ‘givl’ing people don’t care, neither do I! This is bull-‘djoy’.”

ANDY KINDLER: Topics covered: Credit cards; identity theft; real estate; Mel Gibson Medieval times; Crusades. “It’s 2007 and Mel Gibson is still writing ‘I hate the Jews’ on his checks.”
Besides the jokes, there is something about Kindler’s style that makes me laugh. I like his act. Andy Kindler will be performing at Morty’s Comedy Joint in Indianapolis, Indiana from January 24th through the 27th.

And that was our show for Friday January 19, 2007.



I have a theory about the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards. The Golden Globes were earlier this week. Included were Best Motion Picture; Actor, Actress; Director; etc. The Academy Awards aren’t for another month and the voting isn’t due for another 3 or 4 weeks. Now here’s my theory . . . are you ready? I think the Academy Award voters look who the Golden Globes picked and then decide, “Well, I’m not going to let them decide for me what the best picture is.” The Academy voters choose something other than what the Globes chose.
This concludes another installment of Wild Meanderings of a Restless Mind.

TONY MENDEZ

Everyone’s talking about the big Quarterback matchup between Petyon Manning and Tom Brady this weekend in the Colts/Patriots game. I’m more interested in the placekicker matchup of Adam Vinatieri and Stephen Gostkowski.

I was thinking of this the other day. I have no idea why. I was thinking about the old show Family Affair with Mr. French. What I liked most about the show was the double-door to enter the apartment. The doorknobs were right in the middle of each door. I always thought that was kind of cool. But how did the lock work?

My cigarette theory: I have a devious theory about cigarettes and the cigarette companies. Years ago I took a psychology class in college. I learned that partial reinforcement is stronger than constant reinforcement.
Constant reinforcement: This means that if a rat pulls on a lever, it receives a sweet sucrose treat every time. They are reinforced each and every time they pull the lever. But when the reinforcement stops, that is, when they pull the lever and no sweet sucrose solution is delivered, they will eventually stop pulling the lever.
Partial reinforcement: This means if a rat pulls on a lever, it receives a sweet sucrose treat only some of the time. Sometimes they get the treat after 3 pulls of a lever; sometimes after 7 pulls of a lever; sometimes after 15 pulls of a lever. Now when you eliminate the sweet solution completely, they will continue pressing the lever far longer than the rats that were constantly reinforced. The behavior takes longer to become extinct when using partial reinforcement than when using constant reinforcement.
And now my cigarette theory: I believe the cigarette companies put one or two super delicious cigarettes in each pack. The smoker will continue to smoke always looking for that “really good cigarette.” I’ve heard smokers say they sometimes get a really good cigarette. They then unknowingly continue to smoke hoping to find that special one. The partial reinforcement of a “really good cigarette” makes it harder to quit than if all the cigarettes were specially treated.
This concludes another installment of Wild Meanderings of a Restless Mind.

From Wikipedia:

Ratherisms" are also called "Texanisms" or "Danisms" by some. A few of the more colorful ones from the 2000 Election include:
"This race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O."
"That race is tighter than the rusted lug nuts on a '57 Ford."
"This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."
"He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park."
"Don't bet the trailer money on it yet."
"It's a ding-dong battle back and forth."
"Look at that. Can't get a cigarette paper between 'em."
"His chances are slim right now and if he doesn't carry Florida, slim will have left town."
"If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."
"Ran away with it like a hobo with a sweet potato pie."
"If you don't have the yolk, you can't emulsify the hollandaise"
"If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?" (A quote from Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall")