The LATE SHOW models dressed in sexy Santa suits escort Dave out on stage. It’s our Christmas show. After the monologue, Dave gives a gift from under the Late Show Christmas tree to a woman in the audience. A second later, we find that she is opening it. Uh oh. Yup, it’s empty. Dave says we are just joking of course, and goes to the tree to find another gift. He hands the new gift box to the woman. I was glad she waited till after the show to open this one.

Later on the show, Jay Thomas will participate in the Holiday Quarterback Challenge and also tell “the single best story ever told on the show.”

Many years ago while Paul Shaffer was watching a Sonny and Cher Christmas special, Cher sang a Christmas song that Paul has never forgotten. As is tradition, Paul tells the story.
It was during a Sonny and Cher Christmas Special. Also on the show, William Conrad, also known as “Cannon.” Cher was about to sing a Christmas carol. The lights lowered. Snow was softly falling. Cher was wearing a Victorian over coat, her hands in a muff. Dave interrupts, not sure if he heard correctly “I’m sorry?” Paul explains that a “muff” is a simple winter accessory a woman wears to keep her hands warm. Light music is heard. Cher approaches the microphone and sings...
“OOOooooo HOOOOooooolllly Night, the stars are brightly shiiiiiiiiining!”
Beautiful. Dave weeps.
Paul warbled a fine Cher. Paul doing Cher doing “O Holy Night” is always a joy.

On Christmas, many TV stations air the burning Yule log video all day. This year there’s a twist. Look at what you’ll see on Christmas.
We see the Yule log burning in a fireplace. Soft Christmas music is heard. And then an announce: “Al Gore reminds you that burning Yule logs add carbon dioxide to the atmosphere, accelerating global warming and helping to destroy all life on earth. Merry Christmas!”

Dave got a strange Christmas card this morning. Actually, it wasn’t a card but a video Christmas greeting. Dave thought it was a nice gesture, but admits it was rather creepy. We take a look.
It’s Osama and his little buddy singing, “We Wish You A Merry Christmas.”

Sad news out of China. It looks like mankind has caused the extinction of a beloved animal. We take a look at an announcement.
Announcer: “Industrialization and pollution in China have led to the extinction of the Yangtze River’s gentle, graceful white fin dolphin. So don’t miss your last chance . . . to eat one at Red Lobster! When this batch of succulent, tender white fin dolphin is gone, that’s it! And next month, catch our Surf & Turf with Bald Eagle Steak!
Red Lobster: Mmmm, tasty!”

LATE SHOW FUN FACTS
Dave reads from a letter sent to him by Gary of the FBMI: The Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information:
“Dear Mr. Letterman, A recent study by the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information shows that exposing young people to ‘Fun Facts’ can reduce juvenile delinquency. As someone who has influence on teens and adolescents, we believe that you can do a great service by reading ‘Fun Facts’ n your show. Here are some we’ve compiled recently.”

- Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 18 inches per year
- Despite the hump, a camel’s spine is straight
- When your face blushes, the lining of your stomach turns red, too
- In 2004, former President Bush voted for John Kerry
- For Christmas this year, Osama gave out fleece jackets with the Al Qaeda logo
- John Deere never cut a blade of grass in his life
- The very first e-mail offered low priced Mexican tranquilizers
- After a bout with conjunctivitis, Frank Sinatra was briefly known as “Ol Pink Eyes”
- As smart as he was, Sir Isaac Newton once spent 12 hours trying to milk a horse
- George Bernard Shaw is the man who wrote the novelty greeting card phrase, “Lordly, Lordly, You’re Over Forty.”
- The first gift ever returned was a cotton gin
- My New Year’s resolution is to fit into my skinny jeans by March
- Despite the popular commercial, no one has ever said “More Ovaltine, Please”
- The Civil War marked the first military use of ventriloquists
- The White House Christmas party is held at Denny’s
- The International Space Station can be rented for private parties
- In Margaritaville, “Wasting Away” is the leading cause of death
- 90% of directors who cast Bill Paxton meant to hire Bill Pullman
- Flavor Flag’s neck clock is always set to Mountain Time
- The Q-Tip was developed after serious design flaws were found in both O and P-Tips.
- Frank Melsky, the guy who wrote “The 12 Days of Christmas” went on to write “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”
- Jesus used to feel short-changed at the holidays because his birthday fell on Christmas
- Benjamin Franklin had a thing for fat chicks.
- Dave skipped one of the Fun Facts. I’m not sure which one it was, but I found this in the back of the show file
- “In 2007, Ziploc plans to introduce a body bag that seals in freshness.”

Tonight, going into and out of commercials, we see a bumper of our military men and women with greetings to their loved ones at home. God bless them.

Hey, for 2007, send in the names of your friends and loved ones in the military for some Wahoo Cameos.

JAY THOMAS: The following was copied from last year’s Wahoo, with a few minor edits.
This is Jay Thomas’ 8th --- I mean 9th --- year participating in the Holiday Quarterback Challenge. In 1998, Jets quarterback Vinny Testaverde was a guest on the show. The Quarterback Challenge that night was to knock the top piece off the Late Show Christmas Tree. Try and try again, but Vinny couldn’t do it. Not once did he hit the meatball. Jay Thomas, also a guest that night, got so angry that he ran out from the green room, grabbed a football, and smashed the top piece meatball on his very first throw. We’ve had him back every year since. Jay clears his schedule every December to make sure he’ll be here. And another Christmas Show tradition is Jay Thomas telling his Lone Ranger story. Let me see if I have that story from last year’s Wahoo. I’ll be right back.
Ahhhhh, yes. Happy day. I’m back:

Before they perform the Challenge, Dave has Jay tell his Lone Ranger story. Dave calls it perhaps the best story he’s ever heard as a talk show host.

Many years back, Jay was a long-haired DJ down in Charlotte, North Carolina. He and a buddy, Mike Martin, were assigned to cover the opening of a Dodge Car Dealership. (new bit of information: Mike Martin’s hair looked like the hair of a Bay City Roller). So they went to the dealership and did the event.. Afterwards, Mike and Jay got “herbed up”.

Also at the opening was the Lone Ranger. Yes, THE Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore. And he was dressed in his Lone Ranger attire. Clayton always played the part to the utmost whenever he was adorned in his Lone Ranger attire. So after the day was done, Jay and his pal were ready to drive home. Jay noticed that the Lone Ranger’s ride back to the hotel was nowhere to be found, so Jay asked the Lone Rangers if he wanted a drive would drive back. He accepted. The Lone Ranger got in the back seat and off they went. They were driving in a beat up, 10-year-old Volvo. They were stopped at a light when the car in front of them suddenly backed up and smashed into their car, breaking a headlight. The car then fled. Jay was irate. He chased after the car angry as all hell. The chase went on for quite awhile. Jay finally catches up to the fleeing driver and they come face to face. Words are exchanged. Jay wants to call the cops to take a report. The guy says with a smirk to the long-haired, hippie Jay, “Yeah? And who do you think they’re going to believe? You?” With that, the Lone Ranger gets out of the backseat of the car and with hands on hips, says, “They’ll believe me, citizen!”
Dave laughed throughout. It is a great story.

Late Show Holiday Quarterback Challenge:
Target: Top Piece of the Late Show Christmas Tree --- also known as a meatball.
Jay takes aim and . . . misses. He tries again and misses. Dave takes aim and he too misses. After a few more misses by both, I expected Vinny Testaverde to come running out to hit the damn thing.
Eventually, Dave makes a direct hit on the meatball. How many tries did it take for Dave and Jay to hit the meatball top piece? Due to possible editing, I don’t know. But if you checked the bin of footballs at the beginning of the Holiday Quarterback Challenge and the bin at the end, you’ll have a good idea of how many throws it took.

CATE BLANCHETT: Cate is in the new film, Notes on a Scandal, which opens on Christmas Day in select cities. She plays a poetry teacher who has sex with a minor. Ahhh, and it opens on Christmas! Cate was nominated for a Golden Globe for her performance. And since the last time she’s been here, Cate has become an Academy Award winner for her portrayal of Katherine Hepburn in the film, The Aviator.
Where does she keep her Oscar? She finally decided to proudly display it in her living room. Unfortunately, a neighbor’s child knocked it off the shelf and damaged it. It now leans forward and looks like an Olympic ski jumper.
If I won an Oscar? I would make it into a hood ornament. Cate and her husband recently moved back to Australia. She loves it there but flying the children across the globe for visits and the final move can be nerve-wracking . . . for everyone. Idea: My next movie project: “Kids on a Plane” – the sequel and even more scarier than Snakes on a Plane.
What has Cate been up to? Everything. She’s also in the film, The Good German with George Clooney and Babel with Brad Pitt. Hooweee! And she plays Bob Dylan in an upcoming film. Hmmm. Now that’s what I call “stretching” your craft.
“Notes on a Scandal” - Cate’s character has an affair with a 15-year-old student. She admits that it was quite awkward performing the role. Also in the film, Dame Judi Dench, who is fantastic in the clip we saw.
Notes on a Scandal – opens Christmas Day.

DARLENE LOVE: For the 13th consecutive year and 14th overall, it’s Darlene Love singing “Christmas, Baby, Please Come Home.” When it comes to Christmas songs, everyone else is just pretending next to Darlene Love. It’s a knockout performance every year. She’s been here since 1994 for Christmas, and also performed on Late Night in 1986. So who performed the big Christmas song for the LATE SHOW in 1993?
Andy Williams, singing “It’s The Most Beautiful Time of the Year.” I don’t remember it but I can picture Andy Williams in a while turtle neck under a red v-neck sweater.

And that was our show for Friday December 22, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

My Idea That Probably Won’t Get On:
I have an idea for next year. For the Christmas week of repeats, we should show our Christmas shows from the past 5 years. See how different they are. See how similar.

Names of Things You Never Knew Had Names
ROWEL - The revolving star on the back of a cowboy's spurs.
SADDLE - The rounded part on the top of a matchbook.
SCROOP - The rustle of silk.
SNORKEL BOX - A mailbox with a protruding receiver to allow people to deposit mail without leaving their cars.
SPRAINTS - Otter dung.
TANG - The projecting prong on a tool or instrument.
WAMBLE - Stomach rumbling.
ZARF - A holder for a handleless coffee cup.

Thank you for those, D.S.

And now without permission, please enjoy this poetic tale, “Twas My Night At The Late Show”, by LATE SHOW fan Marilyn Sargent.

Twas My Night At The Late Show

Twas my night at the Late Show and all through the Ed
Pages clapped in the aisles as if sick in the head.
The cameras were hung by the desk and each chair,
In hopes that Dave Letterman soon would be there.

The audience was nestled all snug in their seats,
While visions of Daddy made their hearts skip two beats.
The theater was cool, but I was warmed by the nog,
A Super Bowl of Love warmed by Dave's Oprah log.

With Alan in a kerchief and Rupert in his cap,
I knew we weren't in for a one hour nap.
Eddie, the warm-up guy, was ready to go,
And so, in a moment, they'd start the Big Show.

Then band introduction time must've came,
Cause he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Sid, Now Felicia,
Now, Anton, Al, Will.

On Bones, On Bruce,
And at the top of the bill...
To the top of the bandstand, Now clap away! Clap away!
Here comes Paul!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard near the stage, As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
Downstage DAVID LETTERMAN came with a bound.
He was dressed in Armani, from his head to his...WHAT?
THE PENINSULA HAIRPIECE WITH NO PRISON CUT?

With a bundle of jokes thanks to Inky's hard labors,
And I thought- Wake the kids! Phone up the neighbors!
His eyes- how they twinkled! His cheeks- a fantasia!
I felt I was in a comedy hyperphagia!

Then Gerard ambled out, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
Then the babes take the stage and I take special note
Will a bowlful of jelly sink? Or will it float?

The blue cards encircled Dave's desk like a wreath.
As he revealed a Great Moment in a Presidential Speech.
Then the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information
Said Pat Fleet was the most perfect woman in the nation.
How I longed to have been there for Ventriloquist Week
To see Seinfeld's hand up the Kramer dummy making him speak!

Then some words from Big Red were so terribly lewd,
We were all in "agreeance" they were even rude.
He can't say that on TV! There have to be laws!
He can't do THAT with sugarplums and dear Mrs. Claus!

Then with a toss of a pencil, and a shake of his fist,
Dave proceeded to read us his top ten list.
He finished his list and went straight to his work,
Interviewing celebrities who may think he's a jerk.

Then laying his pencil aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, the show came to a close.
He sprang to his feet, to his staff gave a whistle,
And off flew his jacket like the down of a thistle,

But I heard him exclaim as he strolled out of sight
"Thanks for being here, come again, and to all a goodnight!" Thanks for the day off, Marilyn.

Previouisly Viewed Programs for next week:
Monday, Dec. 25: From 12/01; #2668: Actor Danny DeVito; 16-year-old duct tape expert
William Beacom; musical guests Silver Sun Pickups
Tuesday, Dec. 26: From 11/22; #2661: Stupid Pet Tricks; actor Matthew Broderick; musical guests Lupe Fiasco & Jill Scott
Wednesday, Dec. 27: From 11/06; #2650: Actor Will Ferrell; animal expert Jack Hanna; a walk-on appearance by Britney Spears
Thursday, Dec. 28: From 11/28; #2665: Actor George Clooney; musical guests The Decemberists
Friday, Dec. 29: From 12/13; #2671: Kid Scientists; talk show host Regis Philbin; musical guests Robert Randolph and the Family Band
Monday, Jan. 1: From 11/21; #2660: Actor/comedian Chris Elliot; actor Hugh Jackman; NASCAR Nextel Cup winner Jimmie Johnson

Have a happy and safe New Year. Congratulations, we got through another one.