Cold Open: Dave and Jude in the hallway.
Jude: "Hey, I forgot to thank you for your holiday gift."
Dave: "Oh, it's my pleasure."
Jude: "Yeah, so generous. There was enough bologna for two sandwiches."
Dave: "Well, it is the season of giving."

The giving Dave distributes a multitude of gifts to the audience following the monologue.

Oh, by the way. When I'm done with this Wahoo I'm off on vacation. That will explain the hurried feel to this issue.

We had the Late Show Christmas party the other night, and as always there were some wonderful moments. Dave remembers one in particular. Dave rubs his chin, which is the universal signal for a gliss and memory.
We find Dave and Biff at the Late Show office Christmas party. Biff, sipping eggnog, says to Dave: "It's probably just the eggnog talking, but I hate you. I've always hated you. And I'm not the only one. The staff, the crew, the guests, even the audience. . . . you make everybody sick." Dave: "Biff, you know there's no alcohol in the eggnog, right? Biff: looking into his glass, walks off: "Son of a bitch.

And this reminds Dave of an office Christmas party from years ago. He likes to tell this story every few years. It was back at Late Night and the staff always had a Christmas party. Each year it got bigger and bigger. One year, Tom Brokaw and his wife Meredith showed up. They really didn't need to show up. Dave says "We were like gum on their shoes." But Tom and Meredith graced the party with their presence. By 10:00 PM, the alcohol had gotten a good hold of the staff. Longtime stagehand Al Maher walked up to Tom. Al waited politely until it was his turn to say something. Al looked at Tom and said, "Why don't you go 'givl' yourself!" After that, the show always had their Christmas parties outdoors so the staff could burn off the alcohol.

Later in the show, we have something special involving a giant fan and two beautiful women.

Dave is handed a note: Al Maher also once took a leak in the backstage slop sink.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush, "If feels like I was here yesterday . . . . I was!"

WHO SAID IT?
"I gave it a lot of thought over the holidays and I'm still undecided about running for President in 2008."
Paul: "Hillary Clinton?"
Dave: "No. George W. Bush."

"At this point, changing course might do more harm than good."
Paul: "Condoleezza Rice talking about switching focus to North Korea?"
Dave: "No. Nicole Richie driving the wrong way on the Interstate."

"He's too old. He's not what he once was. He should hang it up."
Paul: "A character in 'Rocky Balboa'"
Dave: "No. A Late Show staffer."

"We need another $99 billion to finish the job."
Paul: "An official talking about the war on terror."
Dave: "No. Kenny Rogers' plastic surgeon."

"I wasn't sure I could survive. There were insects and rats everywhere."
Paul: "'Survivor' winner Yul Kwon."
Dave: "No. A customer at Rupert Jee's Hello Deli."

"I'm afraid we'll never be able to resolve the chaos among these warring factions."
Paul: "A general in Iraq"
Dave: "No. A Producer at 'The View'"

"It is inevitable that the Zionist regime will be wiped out."
Paul: "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking before the Iranian parliament."
Dave: "No. Mel Gibson, rehearsing his Golden Globes speech"

"Welcome to Arby's, May I take your order?"
Paul: "The guy at Arby's drive-thru window"
Dave: "No. Kevin Federline."

"Honestly, the situation is grim. At this point, victory seems impossible."
Paul: "Nancy Pelosi discussing the war in Iraq"
Dave: "No. Isiah Thomas discussing the Knicks."

"My New Year's resolution is to be more responsible, but back on partying, and always wear underpants."
Paul: "Britney Spears"
Dave: "No. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg."

I laughed loudly when Paul's face fell when Dave informed him that "Britney Spears" was not right.

"Donald Trump is truly a blessed man with a heart of gold."
Paul: "Miss USA"
Dave: "No. Donald Trump."

TOP TEN: Things You Don't Want to Hear From A Guy Dressed as Santa – we sent a guy out in a Santa suit followed by a hidden camera.
#6. "My Rabbi said I'm going to hell for wearing this."
#5. (to three elderly women) "Ho. . . . Ho . . . . Ho"
#4. "I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you when you're sleeping."
#2. "Hey, handsome, meet me under the mistletoe in 10 minutes."
#1. "For a hundred bucks, I'll let you unwrap me."

TOM BROKAW: Real quick: Christmas is his wife, Meredith's, birthday. One year Tom invited her high school sweetheart to her birthday party at the Wollman's skating rink . . or maybe Rockefeller Center skating rink.
A trip to Iceland – the summers in Iceland are stunningly beautiful. Iceland is sparklingly clean and the people are very well-read and intelligent. (And I love the Iceland bottled water, sold at most supermarkets.)
The last time Tom was here he quickly mentioned he was receiving an award at West Point. It was the Thayer Award, the highest award given to a civilian. Tom told a nice story about introducing a veteran to the audience, to which the gentleman received a huge ovation. Tom adds, "You can hate this war, but you can't hate the warrior, and we must keep in mind all the families involved who are sacrificing so much for us."
Tom has an NBC News special airing Tuesday, December 26th at 8:00 entitled, "Tom Brokaw Reports: In The Shadow of the American Dream" about immigration in America. It's a hot topic that neither political party knows quite how to handle. I have it penciled in to my TV viewing calendar.
I feel a little bad rushing through Tom Brokaw like this. His visits to the show are always entertaining and knowledgeable. His talk of Iceland made my desire to go there even greater than it is now. I've been hearing a lot of good things about the country and it's not too far away. It'll probably be my first vacation destination that isn't a beach or Disney when the opportunity arises . . . probably when my girls are out of college . . . and married.
And I liked Tom's discussion about West Point. West Point is about a half-hour north from where I live and it is where Denise and I had our wedding reception, at the Hotel Thayer. I'm thinking of going up there one of these Sunday's with the kids for brunch.

ACT 4: It's time for the big surprise – The giant fan; two beautiful women, and two huge buckets of asbestos. The ladies dump the asbestos in front of the huge fan and it flies like a blizzard throughout the audience.

ACT 5: The cleanup of the asbestos. It's what we just saw in reverse.

COLD WAR KIDS: From their new album, "Robbers and Cowards", the Cold War Kids performed "Hang Me Up To Dry." Hey, I liked them! The song had a late 60s, early 70s feel to it. Paul says they are his favorite band.

During the closing commercial break, Felicia Collins sings a lovely rendition of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas." Absolutely beautiful.

And that was our show for Thursday, December 21, 2006.



I was a little disappointed in the Cold War Kids. With a band name like that, I was hoping the lead singer would sing from under a desk.

Here's something I just learned . . . when eating cream puffs, it's best to eat the whole thing in one bite. I tried to be polite and nibble but the cream squirted out the back onto my pants.

And now another installment of "My Idea That Didn't Get On." We bring back the Yule Log. During the show, the fire department enters and tells Dave he doesn't have a permit for a burning log in the Ed Sullivan Theater. They douse the Yule log with a fire extinguisher. When the CO2 clears, the image on the front of the desk changes to a burnt out log.. I suggested it. It didn't get on.

My plans for the weekend: The same as every weekend before Christmas. Go to the mall, get an ice cream, find a seat, and watch the harried shoppers scream and curse at each other while "Silent Night" is piped throughout the mall.

And then after that, spend an hour walking through the mall parking lot twirling your keys. Watch the cars follow.
And then when you've had enough, slowly walk through the parking lot twirling your keys. When someone asks, "Are you leaving?", answer that you are. Watch them follow closely right behind you. And then at the last second cut between the parked cars to the next lane and get into your car. Watch the car that was following you speed around the parking lot to get to your spot. Watch them curse and swear when they don't get it.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Here's something I just realized . . . . there is only one letter difference between "entourage" and "encourage." It sort of makes sense.

Names of Things You Never Knew Had Names
OCTOTHORPE - The symbol `#' on a telephone handset. Bell Labs' engineer Don Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining octo-, as in eight, with the name of one of his favourite athletes, 1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim Thorpe.
OPHRYON - The space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of the eye sockets.
PEEN - The end of a hammer head opposite the striking face.
PHOSPHENES - The lights you see when you close your eyes hard. Technically the luminous impressions are due to the excitation of the retina caused by pressure on the eyeball.
PURLICUE - The space between the thumb and extended forefinger.
RASCETA - Creases on the inside of the wrist.

How many of you just checked out the creases on the inside of your wrist?

I'm concerned about the future. For the first time since 1980, I'm really worried. In five years it will be 2011. On December 31, 2010, how will they make those big zany 2011 New Year's Eve eyeglasses? Since 1980, there have always been two circles available for the lenses. Throughout the 80s, they always had the 9 and the 8. In the 90s, they had the back to back 9s. In the first decade of this millennium it was easy with the back to back zeros. And for 2010, well, that's obvious, too. But for New Year's Eve the night before 2011 . . . . what will they do? What will they do?

It's the first day of winter. From here on in the days start getting longer.

Finn & the Sharks at the Turning Point in Piermont Saturday night. I'm hoping to get there.

It's the Late Show Christmas Show Friday night: Jay Thomas and the Quarterback Challenge; Darlene Love singing "Christmas, Baby, Please Come Home"; Paul performing Cher's "O Holy Night"; and more.