It’s getting close to election day, and it always reminds him of something that happened to him years ago. He entered the voting booth and tried to pull and pull the lever. It was stuck. Finally he was able to move it . . . and a Mars bar came out.

I laughed at the old vending machine joke. I laughed because I imagine most of the kids had no idea what he was talking about.

COUNTDOWN TO ELECTION DAY: We’re less than two weeks away from the midterm election and things are really heating up between the candidates and their parties. In light of that, take a look at our segment: Countdown to Election Day. We see a stopwatch ticking with a “Countdown to Election Day” graphic...
and that’s all we have so far.

From behind Dave enters a plumber with some happy news.
Plumber: “You’re all set, Mr. Letterman. I disassembled the sink trap and recovered your ring.” Dave thanks the plumber as the plumber gives Dave the ring. Dave never thought he would see it again. They shake hands. The plumber exits. Dave rethinks what he just did and explains, “You should never shakes hands with a plumber.”
Dave places the ring on his pinky and moves on. Paul is excited for Dave’s found ring and describes the piece as “bling!” Dave again tries to move on but Paul can’t contain his enthusiasm. Finally Dave has to tell Paul, “the joke didn’t work, just leave it alone.”
And they move on.

And now, a message about February. Huh?
Announcer: “February is the shortest month with only 28 or 29 days. It’s also a month with President’s Day. So how well does this President know February?”
(We cut to Bush giving a speech)
Bush: “These are the actual results for the Fiscal Year that ended February 30th.”
Buzzzz!
“George W. Bush – Don’t blame me, I voted for Kerry.”

Hoo boy, I liked that one. I hope we see that a few more times.

Dave admires his newly-found ring. It’s a nice piece.

ASK KIM JONG IL – Everyone wants to know what this guy is up to, so we invited him here to answer some questions from the audience. Mr. Kim Jong Il enters and stands center stage. He is taller than I expected.

Kelly Robbins, Glendale, California – Why did you pick the LATE SHOW to speak out to the world?
Jong Il: “Leno was booked.”

Carl Howard, Brooklyn, New York: “Do you really hate the American people?”
Jong Il: Absolutely. “Except that Dr. McDreamy guy from ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ He can give me a physical anytime.”

Cindy Hobbes, Atlanta, Georgia: “Is it true you’re only 5’3”?”
Jong Il: “I know what you’re getting at, baby doll, and trust me, there are plenty of women who prefer a small dictator.”

Fred Garner, Tacoma, Washington: “Are there TV shows in North Korea?”
Jong Il: “Sure! We have a hit game show with starving peasants called, ‘Meal or No Meal’. I wrote that one myself.”

Jon Beal, Milwaukee, Wisconsin: “Who inspired your hateful, unstable disposition?”
Jong Il: “Mel Gibson”

Rich Killen, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: “Would you be willing to let someone from the United States inspect your arsenal?”
Jong Il: “Sure! In fact just last night I let some chick on 10th Avenue inspect my fuel rod! What up?!”

Ella Lawson, Great Neck, New York: “Are you concerned that your antics may lead to another Korean War?”
Jong Il: “If you want the truth about hilarious Korean War antics, pick up season ten of M*A*S*H on DVD, available today!”

Tim Feldman, St. Louis, Missouri: “What’s the most dangerous kind of missile that Americans should be concerned about?”
Jong Il: “The one in Mark Foley’s pants.”

Stan Taylor, Des Moines, Iowa: “How does it feel to be one of the most hated men on the planet?”
Jong Il: (nothing)
Dave: “Excuse me, Mr. Chairman?
Jong Il: “What? Oh, sorry. I thought that question was for you.”

Frank Vincent, Youngstown, Ohio: “How powerful are the nuclear weapons you possess?”
Jong Il: “Each one has the destructive force of 15,000 conventional bombs. Or three Jessica Simpson movies.” (throws confetti like Rip Taylor)

Art Beauregard, Jonseboro, Arizona: “Aren’t you afraid the United States will crush you?”
Jong Il: “I’m more afraid of being crushed by Kirstie Alley! (rimshot) Actually, Kirstie’s lost a lot of weight. Lookin’ good, Kirstie. Love ya.”

Hannah Gottlieb, Kansas City, Kansas: “Are you doing anything else in town before returning to North Korea?”
Jong Il: “I’m cooking a 5-minute beef stew on ‘The Rachael Ray Show’”

Tina Montoya, Tucson, Arizona: “Will your family dynasty continue after you?”
Jong Il: “Yes, I’ll be succeeded by my less-intelligent son, George W. Il.”

And that’s all the questions Kim Jong Il would answer. As he leaves, he bids this bit of advice: “But the Burger King Quad Stacker . . . it’s 4 beef patties, 4 slices of bacon, and a boatload of cheese. It’s a heart attack on a plate!”

Kim Jong Il exits. I feel I know him a little bit better, now.

Tomorrow on our show, we have an artist who will be doing a portrait of Biff Henderson. Past portraits of Biff include:
- a tattoo on a kid’s leg
- ice sculpture
- legos
- dominoes
- cheese
- post-it notes
Tomorrow, artist Ben Harben will create a portrait of Biff Henderson using . . bubble gum. And what gum is left over, I’ll be giving away on Halloween.

TOP TEN: Surprises in Oprah’s Interview with Madonna – it’s all about this adoption thing.
#10. Madonna named the kid ‘Stedman’
#6. Madonna insisted on being interviewed on a 12-foot cross
#5. Unveiled her new line of cone-shaped nursing bras.
#4. A confused Maury Povich came in with paternity test results.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS: Dang, she’s purty. Cute as a button, she. Working on a series, does she have time to the gym or something like that? She allowed herself to go to a spa recently, in fact, she went to get ready for this show. She decided to go for the full leg wax. Dave asks, “What did you expect to happen here?” Bah-dum-bum.
Of course while she was getting the leg wax, Julia decided to go for the bikini wax as well. And just as the waxer got to her . . . special area . . . the waxer says with a bit of an accent, “This is a lovely area here.” Julia wasn’t quite sure how to take the comment. Julia eventually thanked her and hoped the conversation would move on. The waxer continued, “Yes, the area has lovely homes and trees and the weather is great.” The waxer was talking of Beverly Hills.
Julia is a mom of two, 13 and 9. They are both excited about Halloween, especially the 9-year-old. Years ago when her 13-year-old son was just becoming aware of his surroundings, he had a bad experience with Halloween. The doorbell would ring and when Julia opened the door, she and son were met with youngsters in scary masks. Her boy let out a scream in fright. And this continued all night long. Every time a trick-or-treater was at the door, her boy would scream. And then this went on for weeks. The doorbell would ring; the boy would scream. A classic case of classical conditioning. Operant conditioning? No, I think I was right the first time . . . classical conditioning. Eventually, the doorbell had to be disconnected.
Have they seen her on the Seinfeld episodes? Julia says she found them watching and laughing at an episode recently. She peeked in and noticed it was the “contest” episode. She quickly turned off the TV and told them to never watch the show again. “It’s crap!” she told them.
As a special treat, we got to see a clip from Julia’s very first film appearance. From the movie Troll we see Julia rolling around in tree branches or something as a troll looks on. Somehow this led to Elaine.
Now Julia stars in the CBS series, The New Adventures of Old Christine. It’s on Monday nights at 9:30. I haven’t seen it yet but I can’t imagine the new Christine being any sweeter than the old Christine.

JAY THOMAS: He’s got “The Jay Thomas Show” on Sirius radio. And he looks a little bit different these days. Dave asks if he had . . . if he had some work done. Jay says he had a little of the plastic surgery and tells the story.
He has a friend who is a plastic surgeon and explained to Jay how a little nip and tuck could make him look . . . . well rested. His pal then created a before and after comparison photo and gave it to Jay. Jay paid it no never mind and went on his way. But the more he looked at the comparison, the more the plastic surgery appealed to him. He decided to go through with it. And his pal wouldn’t charge him for the procedure. All Jay would have to do was tip the nurse.
Jay explains the procedure, telling of the Novocain and pain killer and other stuff to deaden the feeling in his face. The knife was applied, incisions made, he was nipped and then tucked. And then he was sent home.
“You have someone to drive you, right?” Jay was asked. “Oh, absolutely” says Jay. But he didn’t really. He responded the way any guy would.
On the drive home he suddenly became very thirsty and hungry so he stopped at a Wendy’s. With a numb face, he tried to order. His words were incomprehensible. By the time he got to the window, 10 Wendy employees were at the window to see the guy who couldn’t speak and who had his head wrapped in bandages. He soon found he was unable to sip his soda and had to drip the Root Beer into his mouth from the straw he held over his head. Trying to eat his Wendy chimichanga or what ever it was he ordered was also an ordeal. He was unable to feel the sandwich in his mouth. He didn’t know what he was chewing. He soon found out he was chewing on his own tongue. He learned this when he saw the blood squirting from his mouth. Ouch.
The lift? It actually looks pretty good. Jay looks . . . . well rested.

ACT 5: “Tomorrow on the Late Show, Bubble Gum Artist Ben Harben will create a portrait of stage manager Biff Henderson.
It’s a Late Show you won’t want to miss.”

JOHN LEGEND: From his new CD, “Once Again,” John Legend performed the lovely “Save Room.”

And that was our show for Wednesday October 25, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

President Bush is dropping the catchphrase “Stay The Course” when discussing the war. May I suggest this new one: “Failed The Course.”

Conan’s Late Night has an interesting episode planned for Halloween night. It’s being promoted as “Skelevision.”
From the USA Today: “The entire episode – a re-imaging of a show from May, will be populated by skeletons. Guests on the episode are Larry King, actor Omar Epps, and actress Sheila Kelly, who will demonstrate techniques from her poll-dancing workout video.”
And if I ruled the world . . . or at least ruled Late Night, I would have everyone as a skeleton . . . . except Larry King. Larry would be full-body. I know it would take a lot of work in the edit room and from the technical director, but I think it could be accomplished.
That’s what I would do if I ruled the world.

In Game 2 of the World Series, Tigers Kenny Rogers was pitching a 2-hitter for 8 innings when manager Jim Leyland decided to take him out for the last inning.
In Game 3 of the World Series, Cardinals Chris Carpenter was pitching a 3-hitter for 8 innings when manager Tony LaRussa decided to take him out for the last inning.
My question: if a baseball game consisted of 10 innings instead of 9, would managers let their starters go 9 innings before taking them out before the last inning?

And now my theory as to why Kim Jong Il has been hell-bent on creating a nuclear bomb. It all has to do with that scene from the film, Grand Canyon.
This is how the scene was described from one website I forgot to jot down and credit:
“Grand Canyon begins with Mack's (Kevin Kline) car breaking down in a bad part of town. There he is confronted by some African American muggers. Things look very grim until the tow truck Mack called for drives up, manned by Simon (Danny Glover). Simon confronts the muggers and has a heart to heart with one boy who is carrying a gun. ‘Do you respect me, or do you respect my gun?’ the boy asks. Simon replies, ‘You don't have that gun, there's no way we're having this conversation.’ The mugger says, “That's what I thought, no gun, no respect. That's why I always got the gun.”
And that’s my view of the world, as explained in the movies.

“I’M GOING TO UTICA!”
A week ago, my daughter Danielle took part in the local cheerleading competition for Pop Warner Football. The winning cheerleading squad would move forward to the State Championships a week later in Utica, New York. Their performance was exceptional. When it was time for the voting, everyone was on the edge of their seat. And then it was time for the announcement. . . . “and First Place goes to . . . . the Orangetown Patriots!” The girls “yippied” with delight! They were a very proud and extremely happy bunch of girls. And then Danielle came running up to me with absolute joy in her heart. What she said has probably been said many times before, but I am quite certain it has never been said with such glee. Danielle came running up to me and squealed, “We’re going to Utica! We’re going to Utica!”

The other day I wrote that when I eat something in the morning, I’m hungry a few hours later. When I don’t eat anything in the morning, I fell fine all day.
Wahoo reader Rod Fernandez of Meadville, Pennsylvania writes:

”According to Dr. Michael Roizen of RealAge.com, non-breakfast eaters have a 1.3 to 1.5 higher mortality rate compared with breakfast eaters. In fact, Dr. Roizen himself used to skip breakfasts, thinking he could save 20 minutes a day and keep his weight down. Instead of saving time, he was actually making his ‘RealAge’ as much as 3 years older. Breakfast eaters are reportedly less likely to snack. And eating breakfast makes your cardiovascular and immune systems younger. Although you may feel fine after skipping breakfast, scientific evidence suggests you would be better off starting your day with some nutrition.”

Not close. No cigar.

This just in: Ex-Congressman Foley is now blaming a bad reaction from shell fish.