It’s America’s fastest growing quiz sensation; it’s Know Your Current Events: Abbreviated Edition.
Tonight’s categories:
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Misguided Explorers
We dropped two categories just before the show due to technical difficulties.

KYCE #1. Dan, of Dawson Creek, British Columbia. Dan manages a Chrysler dealership. He’s in New York for a Chrysler convention. What category does Dan with to play? Know Your Cuts of Meat.
The two meats: Beef Chuck Arm Steak; and Lamb Loin Chop.

KYCE #2. Sandra from Oak Park, Illinois. Right about here, panic set in around the shack. And it erupted elsewhere at the same time. More on that later. What does Sandra want to play? Know Your Current Events. - In order to portray him as the epitome of evil, Hugo Chavez recently compared George W. Bush to whom? Answer: Dick Cheney.
- Last week, Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of what dangerous substance? Answer: Spinach.

KYCE #3. Gerard of Royal Oak, Michigan. He owns a bar. Loyal LATE SHOW viewers recognized Gerard. He’s our house fake. Whenever we need a fake guest, we usually use Gene Szymanski as the stooge. Gene’s job tonight: He is unable to decide what category to choose. DOH! Gene was seated in the audience just before the show. He was unaware that two of the 5 categories were cut. When it was his turn to choose a category, there was only one category left to choose. DOH! We had no way of telling him how to handle this, that is, as if we knew how to handle this. Gene takes the KYCE category card and stares at it. He can’t make a decision. Dave finally tells him to just sit down.

And that was tonight’s Know Your Current Events: Abbreviated Edition.

Back from commercial, cameraman Dave Dorsett walks in front of the camera and puts his face right up to the lens.
Dorsett: “Let’s see, I’ll take Notre Dame over Purdue. Ohio State over Iowa. Arizona State to upset Oregon. And the under in the Penn State/Northwestern game.”
Dave: “Dave, what are you doing?”
Dorsett: “I wanted to make sure my bookie got my college football picks.”

TOP TEN: Signs You Watch Too Much Television
#9. You skipped your wedding for a “Yes, Dear” marathon.
#5. You forget your anniversary, but you remember Regis and Joy’s.
#3. Can tell which “Cheers” rerun it is by the way Ted Danson says, “’Cheers’ was filmed before a live studio audience.”

NATHAN LANE: The two-time Tony Award winner’s new Broadway production, “Butley”, opens October 5th in previews at the Booth Theater.
- Autumn: Nathan loves autumn. At the first hint of cool air you can find him in his backyard shellacking his gourds.
- Weekend? He’ll be rehearsing “Butley”, but also going to the movies. He can’t get enough of the football movies. In Gridiron, The Rock spends most of the movie threatening his players with solitary confinement: “Get in the box. You want to get in the box? Get in the box!” And after practice, he’ll tell his players in a soft voice, “OK, take a knee.” Nathan: “’Get in the box!’ ‘Take a knee.’ Coincidentally, those are also two chapter titles in the new Jim McGreevey book.”
- New dog? – pug named Mabel. We see a photo. Nathan wants to train Mabel so he took the dog to a trainer known as “The Dog Whisperer.” When he got there, the trainer said he was too busy to see Mabel. At least that’s what Nathan thinks he said . . . . he was whispering.
- Golden Globes – earlier this year, Nathan went to the Golden Globe Awards for his film, The Producers. He knew the film wasn’t going to win so he just mingled about. He was pulled over by the guy from Access Hollywood, Tony Potts. He had the darkest makeup Nathan’s ever seen. He looked like he had been drinking the blood of George Hamilton. Nathan admitted to feeling a little out of place since he was sure he wasn’t going to win, so Tony Potts called over Ludacris to put Nathan at ease. Ludacris says to Nathan: “You’re cool, Nathan. You’re probably just intimidated because of all the pretty ladies here.” Nathan assured Ludacris, “Oh, no, Ludacris, . . . . no . . . I’m not afraid of the pretty ladies . . . and the pretty ladies aren’t afraid of me.”
- Nathan is always busy. Not only does he have “Butley” hitting the stage next week, but he’s also involved in a daytime talk show with his three brothers; Eddie: a successful magician/mentalist.
Kenny: between jobs right now.
Ernie: a priest
We see a clip of the show, “Lane, Lane, Lane & Lane.” All four Lanes are seated at a table like The View, though it’s nothing like The View. Instead of everyone talking at once, on “Lane, Lane, Lane & Lane”, no one talks at all. Check your local listings.

WILL IT FLOAT? – tonight’s item: a 50-pound bag of limestone ‘All Sports” field marker. I forgot what Dave and Paul said, but the item is dropped into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . . sinks!

ACT 5: It’s Alan Kalter gobbling a turkey leg. Shouts Alan, “Happy Thanksgiving!”

JEFF CALDWELL: He will be appearing at the Comedy Caravan in Louisville, Kentucky from October 11th through the 15th. Topics covered:
- his being a civil engineer
- trouble with bridges
- Computer tech support: “What kind of operating system do you have?”
- Telephone operator – actually a computer
- Pizza
- Ed’s Kountry Kettle
- Anti-bacterial soap
- Herpes medication – they always seem to be kayaking. Jeff drew lots of big laughs. Very funny.

And that was our show for Friday September 29, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

So last Tuesday, the 19th, I woke up to the aches and pains of the flu, or what felt like the flu. I’m the type of guy who would rather ride out the sickness than run to the doctor for medicine. By the time I would get to the doctor, I figure the sick-in-me would be on the way out anyway. But when the aches and pains got no better by Friday, I made a quick appointment to get a look-see. I drove to the doctor’s office and took a seat in the waiting room. After waiting 40 minutes, my name was called. I went into an examination room. A nurse enters. She gets some quick information and my story. I get weighed: 188. Temperature: 101. She leaves and I wait for the doctor. The doctor enters with his clipboard. I tell him my story:
- aches and pains
- high temperature, switching over to the chills, and back to overheating.
- Congestion in the chest
- Very tired

The doctor looks in my ears with a small instrument. (What is he looking for?)
He puts a stethoscope to my back and has me breathe in hard 4 times. I cough after each deep inhale. He does the same to my chest. He says I’m wheezing when he checked my back, but when he checked my chest he heard very little wheezing. I tell him that I think my last cough when checking my back cleared up my lungs for a moment. I don’t think he heard me. He begins to scribble something on his prescription pad and then rips it out. He asks if I have congestion. I tell him my chest congestion started getting bad the night before. He begins scribbling on his prescription pad before I can finish my sentence. He writes something down and rips out the page. Am I feeling pressure along my sinuses? I tell him I’m getting headaches, but I think it’s because I haven’t eaten much in the past 4 days. I tell him it’s probably just a hunger-headache. He started writing in his prescription pad before I got the third word out. I decide that the next question he asks will be answered with a “NO”, no matter what the question may be. I found him a little too quick with the pen and prescription. He turns to me with the 3 prescriptions, explaining what each one is for and how often I should take of each. He thanks me for coming and my 5-minute exam is done. I go to my local pharmacist and get my medicine. I wonder if the doctor heard anything I said.

I went home with my medicine. I Googled “Avelox” – the pills he prescribed.
This is what I found about Avelox:

Avelox Oral Uses
“Avelox is used to treat a variety of bacterial infections. This medication belongs to a class of drugs called quinolone antibiotics. It works by stopping the growth of bacteria. This antibiotic only treats bacterial infections. It will not work for viral infections (e.g., common cold, flu). Unnecessary use or overuse of any antibiotic can lead to its decreased effectiveness.”

But maybe I didn’t have the flu. So I decided to Google “Flu Symptoms”. This is what I found:

Flu Symptoms:
- Fever --- ding – I told him that.
- chest discomfort --- ding – I told him that too.
- Stuffy nose (usually for colds) --- I didn’t have a stuffy nose
- Headaches --- ding – told him
- Sneezy (usually for colds) --- I didn’t have the sneezes
- Extreme exhaustion --- ding – I told him I was very tired
- Sore throat (sometimes) – I didn’t have a sore throat
- Cough --- ding – I told him about my persistent cough
- Tiredness/weakness --- ding – I told him about that.

So I looked up bacterial vs. viral infections:

Bacterial vs. Viral Infections - Do You Know the Difference?

What is the difference between a viral and a bacterial infection?
Both viral and bacterial infections will make you feel sick and they share many of the same symptoms. But, did you know that: a cold or flu virus usually lasts only up to 10 days while illnesses caused by bacteria usually last more than two weeks? cold and flu symptoms - runny noses, watery eyes, dry coughs, sore throats, chills, aches and pains - are caused by viruses, not bacteria?
Adults who have a sore throat without significant fever most likely do not have a bacterial infection, such as strep throat? - their disease is more likely to be caused by a virus. most coughs do not need an antibiotic?
REMEMBER - If your symptoms suggest a viral infection, antibiotics won't help. Your doctor or pharmacist will be able to recommend medications to help you feel better while the virus runs its course.

Do I have a bacterial infection?
The following signs and symptoms, usually lasting longer than two weeks, suggest a bacterial infection:
a high, persistent temperature
a thick, coloured discharge from your nose
a chronic cough
REMEMBER - Antibiotics should only be used when they are truly needed - to cure a bacterial infection.

So what do I have? Bacterial or Viral? I still don’t know. It’s a coin flip. And I doubt the doctor can know for sure after a 5-minute exam.
It seems the only way to figure viral or bacterial is to let the sick run its course:
more than 10 days = bacterial;
less than 10 days = viral.

Monday is Yom Kippur, my favorite commuting day of the year. Everybody has the day off; no one is coming to the city for a parade or festival or to meet relatives. The streets are empty. And this is the day I time my drive in to see how long my morning commute takes under perfect conditions. For the rest of the year whenever someone asks how long it takes me to drive in to work, I’ll say, “26 minutes on Yom Kippur.”

Happy Anniversary, Denise!