It’s the 13th Anniversary of the LATE SHOW on CBS. To mark the occasion, Dave is escorted out by the LATE SHOW models.

Two monologue jokes made me laugh.
- Happy birthday to Ted Williams’ frozen head, which turned 88 today. If you’re looking for a gift, you can’t go wrong with a hat.
- Are you excited about the new Elizabeth Taylor book? Then you’re gay.

This is the 13th Anniversary of the LATE SHOW. The first LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN on CBS was August 30, 1993. Since then, we’ve put on . . . about a ton and a half. . .2,616 shows.
LATE NIGHT: Almost a ton . . . 1,810 shows.
Dave’s daytime show: just under the weight of an average 3rd grader . . . 90 shows. Paul guessed about 45 shows, thinking 45 is just under the weight of an average 3rd grader. No, it’s 90 shows. Paul exclaims that is a pretty big 3rd grader. Dave admits he doesn’t know how much an average 3rd grader weighs.
Grand total: 4,516

By the way, the week of September 18th . . . . every night . . . . Monday through Friday, every night, we’ll have a top notch ventriloquist.

Ding! That ding signals that it’s time for Dave’s pills. Dave reaches under the desk and pulls out his weekly container of pills. He empties the Wednesday’s allotment into the palm of his hand and gulps them down.

Out in Tracy, California at the New Jerusalem Airport is Ron Patrick. What’s Ron Patrick got that we want? Ron has a silver 2000 Volkwagen Bug . . . and he installed a 1,450-horsepower jet engine into the back of it. We get a gander at souped-up VW Bug. Not sure why someone would want to put a jet engine into a beetle, but some would look at it as a prime example of good old American spirit! Ron did it for the technical challenge.
The VW engine in the front allows Ron to drive along the California roads. The jet-engine in the back allows him to really open it up. He’s not allowed the use the jet-engine legally . . . . but does so usually late at night.

And since it is the show’s 13th Anniversary, the staff got together and chipped in to get Dave a gift of appreciation. The proud Dave shows off his $10 gift card to Blimpies. $10. With a $10 Blimpie gift card, you don’t have to settle for the 6-inch Blimpie hero; you can go for the foot-long. Use it in good health, Mr. Letterman.

A young fellow approaches Dave’s desk. He sheepishly asks, “Excuse me, would you like to sign this anniversary card for Dave?”
Dave a bit confused, tells the lad, “You know, I AM Dave.” The youngster answers embarrassed, “Oh, I’m a new intern here and I haven’t got all the names straight. Sorry.” He exits.

GEORGE W. BUSH TOUGH-GUY LIP CURL: From a recent speech, we see Bush driving home a point. He says, “There’s been a lot of talk about Civil War, and I’ve talked to a lot of people about it . . . .” And he follows that with a slight curl of the lip. . . . like a tough guy.

Our costume designer Susan Hum enters. She is holding a ceramic teapot. She gives it to Dave and says, “I bought you a special gift for your birthday.”
Dave looks at the teapot and tells Sue, “Thanks, but it’s not my birthday. It’s the show’s anniversary.” Dave hands the ceramic teapot back to Sue.
Sue reluctantly takes back the teapot. She looks at Dave and snaps, “I wish you were dead.” She takes the teapot and smashes it to the floor. Sue exits.

Ding! Dave takes another gulp of pills.

Back from commercial, we go back to Tracy, California to watch Ron Patrick let ‘er rip. While Ron prepares, Dave reads the weather stats in Tracy, California. I got these numbers moments before the show. I found this interesting . . . it was 90 degrees . . . with the humidity at 23%. The low humidity made the 90 degrees feel like . . . 86! How about that! The low humidity made it feel cooler than the actual temperature. How is that possible?

Ron is in the jet car when we return. There is no communicating with him with the jet engine running so loud. The VW Beetle sounds like a jet. Ron gets the signal and he pulls out. Flames shoot out the back. Smoke flies up in its trail. The jet car rockets down the tarmac of the New Jerusalem Airport. Fire and smoke comes from the vehicle . . . . just like every car I owned in college.

TOP TEN: Ways I’m Celebrating Our 13th Anniversary
#4. The girls from ‘The View’ took me for an afternoon of facials and gossip.
#2. Turning over the show to my brother, Raul. (see clip of Raul Letterman)
#1. After the show, Snoop and I are going to get shizzle-faced.

SNOOP DOOG: He’s got a new CD coming out in November called, “The Blue Carpet Treatment.” After watching the Jet Car, Dave asks Snoop what’s the fastest he ever drove. Snoop says he went 160 in Germany. Exciting? “Very.” He was doing 160 because everyone else was doing 160. The fastest I ever went was 96 in a compact rental car in England. I couldn’t budge it another 4 mph. I was afraid the car would fall apart. I felt as if the doors were about to fly off, so I dropped it back down to 75.
Snoop grew up in Long Beach, California. How was that? Snoop says you had two ways to go in Long Beach; “either into athletics or into gangs and drugs, which is the way I went.” This inexplicably drew a laugh from some in the audience. He then found music and that was his ticket out. Snoop has organized a football little league in Long Beach which occupies the lives of 2,000 inner-city kids between the age of 7-13. The league tries to teach the 3 D’s: “Dedication; Discipline; and Desire.” Master those and you can accomplish anything in life. At the end of the season is the championship game. What’s the championship game called? The SnooperBowl, of course. And now for a quick Snoop quiz. Dave will show Snoop a Snoopism; Snoop will have to translate. Snoop is seeing this for the very first time.
Fo shizzle --- What’s it mean? Snoop says it means “For Sure.” Correct.
Off the Heezy --- it means, “off the hook”. Yup.
In the hizzle --- it means “in the house”. Right.
Five dizzle all-you-can-eezle buzzle at the sizzle -- Snoop studies it and says, “five dollar all-you-can-eat buffet at the Sizzler”. HE’S RIGHT! Very nice. Very funny.

CHARLIE HILL: He’ll be performing at the Pechanga Casino in Temecula, California September 16th. The Native-American says he is surprised to be on TV, especially since it’s so far away from Thanksgiving. Or Earth Day. Charlie gets a lot of work around those two holidays.
Charlie wasn’t much of a student in college. He failed archery. He went to acting school and studied all the greats, from Shakespeare to . . . other greats. After all that schooling, he went to Hollywood, where he was hired time and again to say, “Ugg.”
Charlie Hill – he got some good laughs out of me.

ACT 5: It’s our 13th Anniversary cake – it’s huge and usually a huge waste of money. I suggested sometime back that we should have ¾ of the cake pre-made with paper mache, or some other product that looks like a cake. And then the last quarter of the cake would be actual cake. We can use the fake ¾ over and over again for what ever birthday or anniversary we celebrate. When I mentioned it, everyone shook their head up and down in agreement, but when they realized who it came from, it was quickly forgotten. I expect any day now someone will come up with that very idea and claim it for themselves.

OK GO: During Dave’s intro, we hear some feedback from the band. Dave exclaims, “It’s my pacemaker! Somebody help me! I’m going down!” “DING!” Dave reaches under his desk for his pills. From their new CD, “Oh No”, OK GO performed “Here It Goes Again.”

And that was our show for Wednesday August 30, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Did you get a load of the Katie Couric brew-ha-ha? It seems a photo of Katie in “Watch” magazine was airbrushed to make her look 20 pounds lighter. When I saw the photo, the first thing I thought was: “Hoodia.” But no, Katie didn’t really lose weight. The photo was touched-up to make her look 20 pounds lighter. Ah, yes, from Walter Cronkite as the most trusted man in America, to an air-brushed Katie Couric. Remind me again . . . what’s the most important trait of an anchorperson? Probably truth and honesty is my guess. Of course, the airbrushing was done without the knowledge of Katie or CBS.

I went to the barber shop Saturday morning. Only two chairs were being worked, instead of the usual three. There were 6 people ahead of me, including the two already in the chairs. After 15 minutes of a lot of chatting at the barber chairs and with no movement in the line . . . I decided to go outside to “place a call” and didn’t come back. I calculated there was another 45 minutes wait at least. Then in the afternoon of the rainy Saturday, I tried again. I went to a different local barber. Again, there were two working-chairs with one empty. And again, there were about 6 ahead of me. I nestled into a waiting chair and pulled out a magazine. And then another magazine. Another. And another. I was quickly running out of “This Old House” magazines and Sports Illustrated. I started leafing through a “Good Housekeeping.” This wasn’t good. I looked at the two in the barber chairs. In one chair, the barber and the customer were doing more chatting than cutting. There was no sense of urgency; no sense of a need to move-it-along. Those waiting could wait. No need to rush. In the other barber chair was an old guy getting a shave. That’s fine, but it went on for a half hour. And then I saw the guy with shaving cream on his forehead. He was getting his forehead shaved. At this point, after sitting for nearly an hour, I upped and left. Two times I tried to get a haircut but each time the wait was too long. I bolted each time. I got home and was admonished for my actions; spending nearly two hours waiting for a haircut and then leaving before getting one. But I think I did the right thing. If everyone did what I did, barbers across this great nation of ours would have to do make changes to speed up the wait. If no one ups and leaves, barbers will have no reason to change.
I think I need to find a “No Chatting” barbershop. And why aren’t they open on Sunday? Oh, and one more rule . . . if you’re retired, you are not allowed to get a haircut on a Saturday. You have to get it during the week while everyone else is working.

And speaking of waiting, I was at the new mall the other day. I counted 13 people in line at the Dunkin’ Donuts waiting for, I guess, coffee. One of these days I really have to talk to the last person in a line like that and ask why they hopped on. Is the coffee really worth the wait? Isn’t your time more important than that?

The other day I asked a dumb question, but one few knew the answer to.
I wrote: “I’ve been reading about droughts and drinkable water shortages across the country and around the world recently. Water is two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen . . . H2O. Now the stupid part . . . is it possible to make water?”

I thought I had come up with a brilliant idea to fight the need for water world wide . . . just make it! Is it possible?

Bill Kalles of Moses Lake, Washington:

“Making water is easy. I did it in High School Chemistry. We collected hydrogen in an inverted (upside-down) test tube, remember that it is lighter than air and it rises. We then stuck a long match inside the test tube. It would make a pop sound as the hydrogen ignited with oxygen from the air. The match would get blown out and the sides of the test tube would be covered with condensated water.
The hard part is finding hydrogen. We created ours by running electricity through water which releases the hydrogen from the oxygen. We collected the resulting gas in the inverted test tube. Now, you might think that carrying around some lighter than air hydrogen to make the water as you need it, would be easier than carrying around water. It would be lighter, but you must remember the Hindenburg Zepplin disaster. Hydrogen is explosive and making a cup of instant water would also make a very big boom.
So, there are two problems.
One, it is cheaper and easier to find fresh water than it is to find hydrogen.
Two, the Homeland Security people would freak at the thought of people carrying around canisters of compressed hydrogen.”

“Hydrogen in a pure form is rather hard to come by on earth. Since it's lighter than nitrogen and oxygen (the majority of our air), it tends to float away, like helium. The most common way to obtain hydrogen is to extract it from water. So, it doesn't make much sense to extract it just to put it back together again. However, it is definitely possible. I remember in 9th grade science class we split up water into hydrogen and oxygen, and then reversed the flow to make it back into water.”