During the pre-show Q and A, Dave learned there was a woman in the audience celebrating her 75th birthday. (Wow, some present.) She is here with her son, who asked Dave what he thought he would be doing on his 75th birthday. Dave replied, “Come to the cemetery and see for yourself.” Dave wants to get something nice for the birthday girl. Staffers immediately begin to scurry.

According to a former sex slave of Osama bin Laden, Osama is madly in love with Whitney Houston. Dave thinks this is true, and this bootleg CD that is now available is all the proof he needs. The CD is available in the mountainous region of Pakistan. Dave holds up the CD, entitled, “Whitney and Osama Love Duets.” We hear their rendition of “Saving All My Love For You.” We hear the lovely Whitney, with Osama joining in, adding “. . . in my cave” and “me too, Whitney.”

A MESSAGE FROM GEORGE W. BUSH – From Monday’s press conference.
Bush: “How do we succeed in Iraq? / You know something / I don’t care.”

Our Costume Designer Sue Hum suddenly appears rummaging through the cushions of the guest chair. She is searching for something. She continues her search on Dave’s desk and under his desk. Whatever she is looking for she can’t find it. Dave finally interrupts, “Sue, what are you doing?” Says Sue: “I lost my keys.” She continues her search. I know how she feels. Nothing is more frustrating than losing your keys. Dave eventually says she can’t keep looking as he has a show to put on. You can sense her ire when she looks up at Dave and says, “Drop dead.” She then exits, still without her keys.

At this point, my wife would have said about the keys, “Think where you might have left them . . .” To which I always say, “Oh yeah! Why didn’t I think of that?”

The recent illness of Cuban President Fidel Castro has put the spotlight on the interim President, Fidel’s brother Raul. Dave is very pleased tonight that Raul has agreed to stop by and chat with us for a few minutes. Dave introduces Raul Castro for something we call, “Ask Raul Castro.”
DAVE: “Thanks for being here, Raul.”
RAUL: “Hey, my pleasure.”
DAVE: “We thought it might foster international understanding if you took some questions that audience members submitted before the show. Is that okay with you?
RAUL: “Go crazy, Skippy.
DAVE: “Sarah Rollins of Manchester, New Hampshire asks ‘How is Fidel doing?’”
RAUL: “About as well as Mel Gibson’s career.” Rimshot.

DAVE: “Here’s a question from Bob Mitchell of Grand Junction, Colorado: ‘How would you describe your leadership philosophy?’”
RAUL: “Getting’ paid, and getting’ laid! It’s just that easy.” Rimshot.

DAVE: “Here’s a question from Arnold Farnsworth, Canton, Ohio: ‘How do you feel about leaders assuming power who were not democratically elected?”
RAUL: “I thought I was here to talk about me, not George W. Bush” Rimshot.

DAVE: “Lauren Pierce of Newark, New Jersey asks, ‘What will you do while in New York?’”
RAUL: “I will scoff at your sad, twisted devotion to materialism and consumerism . . . also, I’m going to ‘Avenue Q.’’” Rimshot.

DAVE: “Here’s a question from Ben Regan of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania: ‘What will you do while in New York?’’
RAUL: “I bring a message of peace, but also a warning: Stop stealin’ out ball players!” Rimshot.

DAVE: Here’s one from Louise Markham, Danbury, Connecticut. ‘Most Americans had never heard of you before your brother’s illness. Can you tell something interesting about yourself?’”
RAUL: “In 1976, I invented a sexual position known as ‘The Cuban Sandwich.’’”

DAVE: “Stuart Meriwether of Nashville, Tennessee wonders, ‘What happens if you quit or fall ill . . . who gets power next?’”
RAUL: “Joe Lieberman.”

And that was “Ask Raul Castro”.

Back from commercial, Dave flips a pencil at the desk and makes a nice catch. Liking the taste of success, Dave does a few more flips and catches with the pencil.

CHRIS ELLIOTT: Oh, what a silly man. His book, “The Shroud of the Thwacker” comes out in paperback September 13th. It’s a non-fiction fiction. Dave asks his old friend Chris how he’s been and Chris takes off with his hilarious nonsense about his life. He brought along his laptop so he could write into his log on how the interview is going. It’s for his fans who can’t stay up till 3:00 AM in the morning waiting for Dave’s show to come on.
One such entry: “My killer frappucino joke just went right over Dave’s head . . . he’s not as quick as he used to be . . . mini-stroke?” and “Dave just made a joke at my expense . . . got a big laugh . . . (sad face)”
We learn that Chris has had a recurring role in the CBS daytime drama, “Guiding Light.” He has a clip of a recent appearance, one in which Chris had to rely on an acting tool somewhat common in the trade to help him cry on cue. We take a look at the clip, paying close attention to see if we can tell when Chris makes use of the tool.
Chris Elliott in Guiding Light.
We see Christ and his wife in a doctor’s office. The doctor says to Chris, “I got your tests back and unfortunately, it’s not what we were hoping for. I’m afraid you have two months to live.” Chris is devastated. He begins to cry . . . or at least attempts to cry. As hard as he tries, he cannot produce tears. He needs to resort to an old acting trick . . . he quickly begins to slice an onion, putting his eyes inches away from the cut onion.
Doesn’t work. Chris takes the knife he used to slice the onion and rams it into his hand. Still no tears. Then his wife shows Chris a photograph. Chris looks at it and begins to bawl. We see the photo . . . it’s a photo of Chris and Dave from years ago when they were still friends. It is this picture, this photo, that produces real tears. We see the tears flowing from Chris Elliott’s eyes. The scene is saved. Were you able to see the acting tool used by Chris? The guy’s a real pro.
Guiding Light – it’s on mornings at 10:00 AM in New York on CBS.

NANCY PELOSI: She’s the Democratic Leader of the House of Representatives from California, the highest-ranking woman to hold elected office in Unites States history.
She’s been married for 43 years and has 5 children. When her children became older, she saw the opportunity to run for Congress. She told her youngest daughter, who was a senior in high school, of her intentions. Her daughter’s reaction was typical; “Mom, get a life.” And it’s turned out pretty well. If the Democrats become the majority this fall, she’ll become the Speaker of the House, the #3 person in America after the President and Vice President.
Topics covered:
Joe Lieberman: She sees Lieberman’s recent defeat in Connecticut as a complete rejection to Bush’s policies. The main areas of concern in the fall election will be the war, national security, and energy. Pelosi listed other areas that I missed. Someone in the shack was telling a story about lunch. The war in Iraq – She says it’s the wrong war America is more than willing to fight for what is right and just and to protect the American people, but this war is the wrong war.
Bush is often heard to say, “Stay the Course.” Pelosi responds, “’Stay the Course’ is not a strategy, it’s a slogan.”
Dave says it appears that Bush’s exit strategy is to keep things the way they are. Eventually he will leave office and let the next guy take care of it. The Democrats and their New Direction want a redeployment of troops starting no later than December 2006.
Dave asks about Hillary Clinton. The Democrats like Hillary, but will she be divisive for the party across the country? Pelosi says, “Not in California” (her state). Dave responds, “ . . . How about a little east?” Dave continues that Hillary may be fine to those in California and New York and the east, but what about when you go past New Jersey and Pennsylvania? How will she do in the rest of the country? Pelosi says Hillary would make a fine President but right now, Pelosi’s main view is to win back the House for the Democrats on November 7th. Her main goal right now is to make Bush a lame duck President. November 7th is the only thing on her mind right now. And Bush’s “Cowboy Diplomacy” is a disservice to cowboys. I probably left a lot of stuff out of the Pelosi interview, but I hope I didn’t make up too much stuff. For you Wahoo beginners, don’t take what you read in the Wahoo as Gospel. I follow the show the best I can but my attention is often going in lots of different directions during the show. I tend to sometimes make up stuff, unknowingly, when it comes time to fill up space in the Wahoo.

ACT 5: It’s flowers for birthday girl in the audience. 75 years old. Congratulations!

RAZORLIGHT: From their new CD, “Razorlight,” Razorlight performed “America.”

And that was our show for Tuesday August 22, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

My Chris Elliott story: Years ago in the early to mid-80s while an NYPD officer, I was in the locker room at the end of the tour. The squad of 15 or so were shouting over their lockers about things and the subject of “favorite actor” came up. Brando, Newman, Nicholson, DeNiro were some of the responses. I was asked by someone a few rows away who my favorite actor was. I was just a rookie so I wanted to give a good answer to fit in with the guys. I thought for a moment, thought twice about what I was about to say, and answered, “Chris Elliott.” I took a chance. This was before Get A Life. Chris was still under the bar of name recognition and only familiar to followers of LATE NIGHT. There was no response from my police partners. Uh oh. I was starting to feel like an idiot. I waited . . . still no response . . . still none . . . and then about 7 rows away a guy lets out a big guffaw, a really big laugh. “I love that guy”, a crusty curmudgeon veteran said. I was in. The hardest guy in the squad to please, the one who had no use for rookies, laughed at my “Chris Elliott.” The others started to buzz, “Who’s Chris Elliott?” I answered, “Just an actor” as I could hear the old-timer continue to giggle. My status in the squad rose dramatically after that.

Tuesday’s Word Jumble:
PYLSH
I’m usually very good at the Jumble, but for some reason I am coming up with nothing. There are 120 possibilities, yet I’m still coming up with nothing. Can you figure it out? PYLSH. Answer below.

By now you know how I hate lines. I don’t understand how there can be 13 people in line at Starbucks and then someone enters to make it 14. Why would you be willing to wait in a line of 14 for a cup of coffee unless they’re giving something away? 13 people ahead of you doesn’t scare you away? My line limit is about 4. More than 4 and I’ll go elsewhere. Doesn’t matter what I want . . . more than 4 people in line and I’ll leave. So I was walking to my car the other day on 6th Avenue. As I approached the corner of 53rd and 6th, I see a line of 50 people on the sidewalk. I thought they were all together but they weren’t. They were 50 people who did not know each other, all waiting in line. For what? I look to the front of the line to discover a food vendor selling Gyros. Huh? 50 people in line for a food vendor at a cart? It didn’t make sense. I watched the line not move for a few minutes and no one seemed too upset with the length of the line. I saw more people get on at the back. 50 was now 51 and 52. What’s the deal? One block south was another gyro vendor. How many were in line for his gyros? None. This will take some more investigation. I wish I had more to offer here but all I have is this: 52 people waiting in line for a gyro at the corner of 53rd and 6th . . . . no one in line at 52nd and 6th. I got to find out what is so good about the 53rd and 6th Gyros. What’s he adding, crack? I’ll have more when I decide to get in the line and have an hour to kill. I’ll wait not for the gyro, but for the story.

So I was telling the above to a LATE SHOW staffer. Tooling around on the computer, he decided to Google “53rd Street” and “6th Avenue” and “food vendor” and “New York City.” He found that the guy has a website! A food vendor with a website! Check it out.
http://www.53rdand6th.com/
To quote the wife of Joey Adams, “Only in New York, kids, only in New York.”
I’ll have to check it out one day . . . when the line isn’t so long.

Bunked: Neal Mundle of Moncton, Canada wrote last week that he uses the word “Bunked.” I asked for more information. Neal wrote back:

“Gave the 'bunked' reference some more thought. I'm sure I've used 'bonked' and 'bumped' as well. I'm thinking 'bunked' developed as a hybrid of the two. Harder than a 'bump' but not as serious as a 'bonk'. Still definitely prefer 'bunked' and I even have my eight year old daughter using it along with this one, 'skugied' (never spelled it before...maybe scoogeed?) meaning, basically messed up like when you find the sheets on your bed all pushed to the end...they have been skoogeed.”

Sylph – when playing the Jumble, a word like ‘sylph’ is not fair. They could have jumbled sylph, “sylph”, and I still wouldn’t have got it.