The computer and the internet are having an adverse effect on readership of newspapers. People are finding their news electronically more so than ever and newspaper sales continue to drop. But the Wall Street Journal is not giving up without a fight. Have you seen their most recent marketing plan? Dave holds today’s Wall Street Journal. The print is orange. At the top, a headline reads, “New Lickable Cheddar Print.”

There’s a woman in California suffering from “Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.” Yeah, it’s also called “college.” But anyway, there was a report on the “disease” on the news.

Announcer: “A woman in California claims to suffer from Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. That’s right, 24 hours a day, she feels sexually aroused. But this is no laughing matter; the woman claims it is ruining her life. And doctors are baffled. Well, we believe we have a cure. Just take a look at this . . . .”
(See short video of Larry King: “Franklin, Pennsylvania, hello.”)
“Hope that helped kill the urge, baby doll. CNN – Puttin’ out the fire.”

Dave received a letter from his pal, Doug, at the Census Bureau the other day. He reads:
“Dear Dave,
We just finished compiling the 2000 census, blah, blah, blah blah. Here are some fun facts we thought your audience might enjoy.”
- Americans have over 4 pounds of gum in the stomachs
- By the end of his or her life, the average American has spent over 15 minutes in traffic
- One in every three Americans loses an eye in an umbrella accident.
- At any given moment in the United States, someone is nuzzling aerosol cheese.
- A man in Orlando has had the hiccups or 56 years.
- There currently only one living American named “Maxine.” Paul figures it must be Maxine Andrews of the Andrew Sisters. (I knew there was a Maxine Andrews)
- The old saying “Calories don’t count on your birthday” has been scientifically proven
- 78% of Canadian high school students drop out each year. Dave thinks it’s because of the early harvest.
- If every man in the world with facial hair were to shave, the resulting pile of hair would be larger than Mount Everest.
- Nancy Reagan is responsible for coining the phrase, “Are you yanking my chain?”
- “Buzz” Aldrin is the only person ever to have taken a leak on the moon
- the Old Testament contains 22 references to Brownies being “sinfully delicious”
- Einstein estimated that his Theory of Relativity got him laid over a hundred times
- During a 3-year lucky streak from 1956 to 1959, no one in America died
- There is little to no difference between a dining set and a dinette set.
- No one has ever had sex on an escalator
- The most commonly used word in the English language is biscuit
- The best-selling beach towel of all time featured a likeness of “Welcome Back, Kotter” star Gabe Kaplan.
- Every 11 seconds, someone in the world turns on a television set and says, “Djoy, it’s that Emeril guy.”

And that was just some of the statistics found at the Census Bureau.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES – It’s a fan favorite. First we see FDR and his “only thing to fear” speech. Then we see JFK’s “ask not what your country can do for you” speech. Then we see George W. Bush’s “You seem okay, you get a tax cut. And you’re not, and you don’t” speech.

It’s time for a brand new segment, “Dave’s Hat Collection.” Paul has an intro song to the new piece. To the tune of “Me and My Shadow” with Sammy Davis, Jr., accompanied by huge dancing top hats.

“Like Larry King marries wives
Like the subway congregation rats
Like Barry Bonds stockpiles steroids
David Letterman collects hats

From every cylinder-shaped box
Dave’s crazy headgear rocks your socks

The very sombrero worn by Juan Valdez
How a bucket of chicken converts to a fez
As seen right behind me, on our own Al Chez

Doff your caps, you cuckoo cats
For Dave’s collection of hats!

Dave’s got a whole gang of hats!”

JASON LEE: He’s the guy named Earl on My Name is Earl. The season finale is tonight (Thursday) on NBC. The show is one I’ve been meaning to watch. I’ve seen one episode. And then a few months later I watched another episode. And of course it was a repeat, the same one I saw months earlier.
In the series, Jason has a mustache. Tonight he has a mustache and beard. Why the beard? The show isn’t shooting right now and so it’s to hide the mustache. When he shaves again in a couple months, the mustache will surprisingly reappear. Hollywood . . . . the place makes no sense to me.
I was surprised to learn that Jason is a champion skateboarder. He started when he was 5 back in the mid 70s. The first day on the board he told his mom that he would someday be a professional skateboarder. And by the time he was 17, Jason was traveling the world as a professional skateboarder. Skateboarding also comes with injuries: chipped pelvis, sprained ankles, broken wrists, etc.
And then he became an actor and an entrepreneur. He once opened a race car driving school. It sounded like, bring your car to my track and race it. That’ll be $400. It turned out to be Chapter 11.
We have Jack Hanna on tonight. Did Jason have pets as a kid? He says he had a dog which was named Dog.
Wahoo Trivia: What TV show had a dog named “Dog”?
Answer: Petticoat Junction. At least I think so.
My Name Is Earl – tonight on NBC at a special time, something like 8:40 PM after the “Will & Grace” final.

JACK HANNA: Director Emeritus of the Columbus Zoo and the host of a new TV show, Jack Hanna’s ‘Into the Wild’.
- Porcupine: Dave tells everything he knows about a porcupine, leaving nothing left for Jack so say. When born, a porcupine’s quills are soft. Thank goodness for the mother
- Baby Fisher: Very cute. They live in the northwest and eat porcupine. Back in the 1920’s, the baby fisher were killed off for their fur. The porcupines flourished, destroying the trees in Washington. Once nearly extinct, the baby fisher is back
- Spring Hare: Ewww, it looks like half-rabbit, half-squirrel. Very creepy looking.
- An Albino Wallaby: I missed this. I was distributing a new ACT 5.

ACT 5: Alan: “And now a Late Show Alert!
Have you seen this Spring Hare?
During tonight’s show, a spring hare escaped from the Ed Sullivan Theater. It was last seen headed west on 53rd Street. If you see her, please return her to:
Jack Hanna
c/o the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium
9990 Riverside Drive
Powell, Ohio 43065.
Thanks for your cooperation! This has been a LATE SHOW Alert. Tell your friends.”

JACK HANNA:
- 2 baby Red-Tail Hawks
- White Lion
- Hairy Armadillo – it was supposed to bury itself in a kiddie pool full of dirt. I ignored the armadillo and was more interested in the dirt. I was trying to figure out how to get it home for my garden. I then decided it would be easier to simply buy my own bag of dirt at Lowes.
- Warthog – it looks a bit like a boar. It kneels to eat. The warthog scares me.

Funny lines from Dave and Jack – not in order.
- Dave: “Do you make yourself nervous?
- Jack: “One day I’m gonna come out here and be real educational.”

Talking about the white tiger that attacked Siegfield or Roy. - Dave: “Was it Siegfield or Roy?”
- Jack: “I always get those two confused.”

- Jack: “Nothing hurts me”

- Jack: (bothering the warthog when it was eating) “You’re right, that’s stupid.”

That was Jack. Notice that Paul did not play music going in and out of commercial during the Jack Hanna segments. He’s learned the hard way that the animals don’t always like the loud music.

And that was our show for Wednesday May 10, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

How about them Yankees Tuesday night losing to the BoSox 14-3.. Now the rumors are starting to float that Roger Clemens may be coming back. Hoo boy. I never did quite warm up to the Boston Red Sock but he did eventually come up big in big situations for the Yankees. And then he retired and pitched for the Houston Astros. Yankee fans were livid, but I didn’t mind. He wanted to be close to his family to end his career. I can understand that. But now he may come back here? After all those goodbye parties the team and the fans reaped upon him? No thanks. I don’t want him. What I would like is for him to go back to Boston. That could make rooting for the Yankees fun again, with a bit of urgency and venom in my heart. So, c’mon back Roger. C’mon back to Boston. Make the season interesting, but please, don’t come back here.

Roger or no Roger in New York, the Yankees won’t be making the playoffs this year.

And then on my ride home Wednesday night, Yankee announcer John Sterling did it to me again. Yanks are down 3-1. Johnny Damon is up with two men on, two outs. He hits one deep to left field. John Sterling gets all excited and screams, “It’s over the head of Manny Ramirez!” I’m already calculating two men scoring to tie the game and Damon ending up on 2nd or even 3rd. And then he says right after saying the ball went over the head of Ramirez, “ . . . . and then he reached up and caught it!” End of inning; Yankees still down 3-1. Thanks for being my eyes, Mr. Sterling. I can only figure that the New York Yankees have no respect for the Yankee listener by keeping this guy behind the microphone.

And a few weeks ago the Yankees were down by a run in the 9th. Bases were loaded, the count was 3-2, Hideki Matsui was up. Big big pitch coming.
John Sterling: “And here’s the pitch . . . . . outside.” I calculate a tie game with a chance to win it with the next batter. But Sterling wasn’t finished. He said, “And here’s the pitch . . . . . . outside . . . . . . . strike three!”
I know that this doesn’t interest you. I apologize. My next challenge is to make these miscalls humorous instead of so aggravating. Maybe the Yankees should get a sponsor for Sterling’s mistakes.

It’s something new; something I found on a website which I have forgotten. 10 facts, only 9 are true. Can you spot the false one?

FACTS: TRUE OR FALSE QUIZ
1. The Bible, the world's best-selling book, is also the world's most shoplifted book.
2. Someone paid $14,000 for the bra worn by Marilyn Monroe in the film 'Some Like It Hot'.
3. Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
4. More than 1,000 different languages are spoken on the continent of Africa.
5. In the U.S.A over eleven thousand people (up until the end of 2003) have visited a tortilla chip that appears to have the face of Jesus Christ burned into it?
6. A kiss lasting one minute can burn more than 100 calories.
7. Buckingham Palace in England has over six hundred rooms.
8. There was once an undersea post office in the Bahamas.
9. Abraham Lincoln's mother died when she drank the milk of a cow that grazed on poisonous snakeroot.
10. After the death of Albert Einstein his brain was removed by a pathologist and put in a jar for future study.

You ever sit in your house on a rainy weekend, realizing there is nothing you can do about it but just ride it through and wait for the weather to get better? That’s the way I feel with all these reality TV shows on the air. I’ll just hold my breath and hopefully the weather will eventually get better.

Watching the wall-to-wall news coverage of American Idol makes me think we are finally over 9-11. We are reacting as if this stuff is really important, like it matters what happens to Elliot and Taylor and Katherine and Chris.

Why is it OK for a woman to get her husband an electric drill for Father’s Day, but on Mother’s Day if a man gets his wife an electric can opener . . . . hooo boy. . . . it’s not good. And please, I need your answers, like, real quick.

The above false fact:
#6 is false. A kiss lasting one minute burns 30 calories.