It's Tuesday and so out to Rupert's we go. What does Dave have in store tonight? He ain't saying much, but he's sending Rupert over to Jamba Juice on Broadway across the street from the theater. Jamba Juice is a juice restaurant specializing in frozen fruit smoothies. All we know is we're are going to play "Jamba Juice Theater." Off Rupert goes to Jamba Juice.

In "The Da Vinci Code," Dan Brown theorizes that Jesus was married. Judging by this an amazing new archaeological find, he may be on to something. Dave holds up Jesus' wedding invitation. It reads:

Mr. and Mrs. Lou Magdalene
&
God

request the honour
of your presence
at the wedding of their children

Mary
&
Jesus

on the twelfth of July in year 22.

Reception to follow
at the Fox Hollow Jewish Center
in Great Neck, Jerusalem.

Black sandal optional.

"Tonight, CBS presents the Academy of Country Music Awards. Gretchen Wilson, Kenny Chesney, Carrie Underwood, and Brad Paisley perform live from Las Vegas! It's country music's night to shine which means it's most people's night . . . . to see what else is on.! The Academy of Country Music Awards - only on CBS.

While Rupert orders, we go back to our show.

Here's something new. It's "Immigrant Success Stories." With immigration so much in the news lately, Dave thinks it's a good idea to accentuate the positive to show what they can achieve. We see a clip from "Immigrant Success Stories."
Announcer: (with various shots of Arnold Schwarzenegger)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger came to the U.S. from Austria in 1968 with no money, but with limitless ambition. In the years ahead, he conquered the bodybuilding world as well as the world of Hollywood movies. Not content with these outstanding achievements, he successfully ran for Governor of California in 2003. He also did this."
-we se a clip of Arnold in "Carnival in Rio." He is dancing with a scantly clad woman. The Governor then picks her up and swings her around.

"Welcome, immigrant." (No, Arnold, I'm talking to the girl!)

Have you been following "Lost" on ABC? The big season finale is Wednesday night and it is believed that much of the complicated series will be explained in this episode. Have you seen the promo?
Announcer:

"Wednesday, it's the 'Lost' that changes everything. The answers you've been waiting for are here. If the clock in the hatch expires will the island's mysterious electromagnetic force be unleashed? Was the crash of flight 815 part of an elaborate experiment by the Dharma initiative? Is everything a figment of Hurley's imaginationor does the key lie with the enigmatic Hanso Foundation and the unexplained sequence of numbers? And what the 'givl' is going on? 'Lost' - only on ABC."

Back from commercial . . . we see a guy in the audience receiving a pizza. Hey, the guy asked for a pizza. What were we supposed to do?

Dave takes another gander at the Jesus/Mary wedding announcement. Dave believes this find could be for real. "Look how wrinkled it is" he critiques.

TOP TEN: Signs There's Trouble in the Clinton Marriage - Front page of today's New York Times examined the marriage and how it may affect Hillary's possible bid for the presidency in 2008.
#8. She's voting for Taylor Hicks, he's voting for Katharine McPhee.
#5. Wistful way Bill talks about happier times . . . like the impeachment
#1. Bill's calling Charlie Sheen for advice.

MARTIN SHORT: Martin enters and compliments Paul on his Howie Mandel look. And to Dave, he says "You look hot!"
Dave asks what it was like growing up in Canada? He says the holidays are a bit different. Canada doesn't have a 4th of July but does have Canada Day and Queen's Day, which is May 24 with an asterisk. It's to celebrate the Queen's birthday which is on another day. It's also called Victoria's Day. Thanksgiving? In the U.S. it's celebrated in November; in Canada in September. And in Canada they stuff the turkey through the throat. I never knew that. Sort of sounds like foie gras.
Marty spends a lot of time at his cottage in Canada. Dave asks on what lake is the cottage located. Martin knows better than to answer that. Martin usually spends June through August at the cottage just getting away from it all. He invites Dave up to the place. I "Played the Dave" and said, "Yeah, maybe I'll come up in September." Dave didn't say it. And Paul renewed his vows at the cottage. From the description provided by Paul, it sounded like a hoot of a time.
Martin is multi-talented and Dave asks if he ever tried stand-up. Marty says he tried it once and ended up getting beer thrown in his face. He admits now that he didn't study his audience before opening for the punk group, Rough Tracks. Singing show tunes didn't cut it. How did Dave enjoy stand-up? Dave says he hated it, admitting he was frightened every second he was up there. He once was to do a show in Toronto. On the flight, a guy in the back of the place became ill. They began to make an emergency landing in Denver but the guy and the emergency passed away. The pilot decided to keep on going to Toronto. When arriving at the airport, the guy's family was waiting for him. When they heard the news, they said he died after going to Vegas so he probably died happy. It's OK. Marty wondered if Dave was able to mold that story into a bit for his stand-up routine. Dave says obviously not. Couldn't Marty tell by the reaction he just got from the audience?
Whenever Marty's on the show, he usually graces us with a song. Does he have one for us tonight? Oh, he certainly does. Marty has become the new celebrity spokesperson for the National Security Agency. They are looking to improve their image and thought a foreigner from Canada would be the perfect choice. Marty prepared a song extolling the virtues of the NSA.

"We're the NSA, don't be scared away
America's our sister, we're Big Brother
You should have no fear, just speak slow and clear
Whenever telephoning one another

We don't mean to pry when we phonetap your mama
We've never met her, don't mean to upset her
But what if she's calling up Osama?

We but your uncles and aunts, hell, we've tapped your pants
You're ass-deep in the NSA!

'How about a little wiretapping, girls?
Can you hear me now?
Can you hear me now?'

I know that you only perform surveillance on my line, and you aren't allowed to talk back to me, hot leggy, blond NSA agent lady. . . . but I want you to know that I'll always be here for yo, mjust like you've always been there for me . . . you're such a good listener.!

On video display, down at the NSA
We see you pick your nose when on the freeway
We now who wears toupees and which of you are gay
And also which of you have had a three-way

We document your secret miscellany
If you've worked at Hooters, that's in our computers
It's fun summer reading for Dick Cheney

We hope to covert ways to overhear you say,
I'm okay with the NSA!

You're either with us or against us!"

There's been so much talk and controversy surrounding Barry Bonds this year as he pursued Babe Ruth's home run mark, that our own Biff Henderson asked if he could address the situation. Dave throws it over to Biff.
Biff: "I realize it's become fashionable to attack Barry Bonds but I'd like to remind people that he's one of the greatest players in baseball history. 7 MVPs, 8 Gold Gloves; a 13-time All-Star. Rather than criticize Bonds, just sit back and enjoy the opportunity of seeing a legend achieve a remarkable milestone. Think about it." Biff turns slightly to reveal a needle sticking in his ass. Freeze frame of Biff and the needle.
Announce: "Grand slam comedy, Biff! The Late Show reminds you to buckle up and hit a home run for safety! The Late Show: Eatin' Good in the neighborhood!"

ACT 5: A stuffy and sneezy Alan Kalter battling allergies, the flu, a bloody nose, and the sniffles.

JAMES BLUNT: From his debut CD "Back to Bedlam" which sold 9 million copies, James Blunt performed "High."

And that was our show for Tuesday, May 23, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Thank you for your e-mails concerning when to pre-treat a stain on your clothing. From the May 16th Wahoo Gazette, I asked who is responsible for pre-treating a piece of clothing that is stained; the person when tossing the garment into the hamper, or the person who tosses the garment into the washing machine?
I received answers on both sides. It seems the person who owns the garment and is putting it into the hamper should be the one to pre-treat the stain. It would be silly to have the person who is doing the wash to have to go through each piece of laundry in search of a stain. But others wrote to say that pre-treating a garment and then leaving it for a length of time before washing could ruin the piece. So what to do? This is what the McIntee family has decided. . . . . Got a stain on a shirt? Put the shirt into one of those yellow plastic bags you get at the supermarket and then toss it into the hamper. When it's time to do the wash, the one doing the laundry will know the yellow-bagged garment has a stain. That person will then pre-treat the shirt before putting it into the washing machine. Mission accomplished. Next, I'm writing to Heloise to offer this tip.

Useless facts:
- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
- There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
- There are more chickens than people in the world.
- The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
- The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
- Maine is the only American state whose name is just one syllable.
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

I'll be out of the office for two hours on Wednesday. Where will I be? Watching my daughter Danielle performing up the block at Carnegie Hall! That's right! She's been selected along with 30 or so other 4th graders from her school to play their recorders on the stage of Carnegie Hall. I think it's a program put together by the Carnegie people to introduce kids to music . . . . good music. They'll be performing a portion of Rossini's "William Tell Overture." How about that? Since February Danielle's been coming home telling us that she might be playing at Carnegie Hall. I would tell her in an disbelieving voice, "That's nice, honey. Now eat your peas." And then we got the notice from school that she WOULD be playing at Carnegie Hall. How about that!
The Ed Sullivan Theater is located at 53rd and Broadway. One block east and 4 blocks north is Carnegie Hall, although some would say it is much much farther away than that. I'll have a review in tomorrow's Wahoo.