Out on 53rd Street tonight we have Master Illusionist, Criss Angel. What will he be doing for us tonight? He will get inside a wood casket, the casket will be nailed shut, he will be handcuffed, and the casket will move on a conveyor belt towards a wood chipper. You won’t want to miss this!

Over the weekend in Oakland, Barry Bonds tied Babe Ruth’s home run mark by hitting his 714th round-tripper. Dave holds up a photo of that historic home run by Bonds. But Dave sensed something was amiss so he had his friends down at the lab magnify the photo. Yup, just as Dave suspected. In the photo, the close-up reveals a syringe sticking out of Barry’s ass. Barry Bonds can’t get enough of that funky stuff.

X-Men: The Last Stand opens this week. The film gots lots of mutants in it. It’s sure to be a summer blockbuster. Have you seen the trailer yet? If not, don’t fret. Dave has it for you.

Announcer: “A cure has been developed. A war is coming. There is not turning back. Join your favorite mutants . . . Storm . . . Iceman . . . and Wolverine, plus brand new mutants . . . Angel . . . Beast . . . and Kenny (shot of Kenny Rogers after plastic surgery). ‘X-Men: The Last Stand’ – in theaters everywhere Friday.”

ADVICE FOR GRADUATES: The LATE SHOW has chipped in to offer some advice to this year’s coming graduates. It’s our little way of giving back.
Cameraman, Dave Dorsett: “Remember to use a practical financial strategy. Each month, set aside a hundred dollars. At the end of the year, you’ll have enough money for a pretty good hooker.”

Harold Larkin: “I’ll never forget the advice a teacher gave me; if you enjoy what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.”
Dave: “That’s very sweet, Harold. I didn’t know you felt that way.”
Harold: (laughing) “I’m sorry . . . . I couldn’t say that without laughing.”

George Clarke: “Dave, to get to this position, it took hard work, steely determination, and good ol’ fashioned grit. And when things got rough, I worked that much harder. I’m proud . . . (George’s cell phone rings) . . . . hang on. (George on the cell phone) George here . . . . . . yup . . . . I’ll be right up. (hangs up) “Gotta run, Dave. Someone blew lunch in the lobby.”

Alan Kalter: “Hi, I’m former child star Alan Kalter. So you’ve graduated and you’re ready to enter the work force. You’re thinking, GE, Microsoft, Pfizer . . . . the list goes on and on. Let me stop you right there and invite you to join the team at Kalterworld.com. Kalterworld.com is America’s #1 source for adult videos, novelties, and toys and we need qualified individuals to run our new franchise in downtown Reno. Can you beat full benefits, 401(K), and 20% off novelties and toys? Big Red doesn’t think so. Apply today.”
Dave: “Alan Kalter, ladies and gentlemen.”
Alan: “Dave, there’s just one more thing. No fatties.”

Bob Randall, LATE SHOW talent booker: (an old elderly guy) “Find a work place that won’t suck the life out of you. 12 ‘givl’-ing years . . . . I look forward to the sweet release death will bring.”

Tony Mendez, with something for our Spanish-speaking viewers. Tony begins to speak his advice in Spanish. Suddenly, two burly border patrol guards rush in and take him out. One guard says gruffly, “Okay, Pepe, back to Mexico.” As Tony is dragged out, he screams, “No! Wait! I’m from Cuba! I’m legal!” I was one of the border patrol guards. As we neared the exit, I put my hand over his mouth to shut him up. I’m not sure if we were still on camera at the time.

After the show, Tony complained that we took much too long to get him and drag him out. I told him I was waiting for our cue. My partner Joe and I were positioned just around the corner of the door by the spiral staircase. We were with a stage manager. The stage manager puts his hand on my shoulder as he listens to the director for the cue. When the director directs, “Send in the guards!” the stage manager gives a shove and off we go. Getting from the door to Tony took just a few seconds. It’s those seconds that felt like minutes to Tony. I told Tony I was waiting for him to get his 5th line in. An actor gets paid more when he exceeds 5 lines.

Martha Stewart has her TV show, her "Martha" magazine, and a brand new magazine entitled “Blueprint.” Dave holds up the very first issue. We see a young yuppie-like couple hugging on the front stoop of their new house. Dave doubts the couple are married and doubts the couple are really a couple. And he says if they are married, he wonders how many times you would play the ‘manure in front of the door’ joke on them. The couple had the look of bringing great joy of those throwing that practical joke at them.

TOP TEN: Things Overheard Outside ‘The Da Vinci Code”
#10. “So what other movies has Da Vinci done?”
#7. “I couldn’t see anything over the Pope’s crazy hat”

Following the Top Ten, Dave scribbles a note on the back of the blue card. He shows the audience what he wrote: “Please place in the vault.”

MARTHA STEWART: Dave begins her intro: “Our first guest hosts her very own daily television program . . .” and stifles a yawn with “So do I . . .”
She’s got her TV show, “Martha,” and her magazine, “Martha Living.” Now she’s got a new magazine, “Blueprint.” It’s for the 25-45 year old woman.
Dave asks about her TV show, “Martha”: “One of the more popular segments on your daytime show is ‘Tales From the Slammer’ . . . .” Dave asks if she keeps in touch with some of her friends from the slammer. She explains she doesn’t because she isn’t allowed.
Ever wake from a bad dream that she’s still in jail? Nope. What’s lockdown like? Martha says there was once a fight and a loud whistle went off. Dave stops her and wants her to explain the fight. She says there isn’t much to tell, but she did hear a loud whistle.
Martha is Dave’s neighbor and often sees him doing his morning jog. Did you know that Dave wears that white band-aid strip across his nose when jogging? Dave says he wears one at night and just leaves it on when he does his run.
Later in the show, Martha and Dave made a meatloaf and potato cake for those who kids who can’t eat sweets. Dave goes nuts with mashing the potatoes with a mixer. Potatoes flew. I laughed when Martha mentioned how unhappy her “wardrobe mistress” would be because of the flying potatoes landed on Martha’s outfit. Dave did some more “Stan Kahn” at the cooking demo table. Dave then takes a couple swigs from a bottle of wine and slurs a “You . . . you . . . are a beautiful woman” towards Martha.
Martha’s meatloaf and potato cake . . . it looks like Shepard’s Pie in a cake form.

CRISS ANGEL: blue card:
- Criss Angel is a 3-time “Magician of the Year” (2001, 2004, 2005).
- Criss does not consider himself a magician (I had a feeling this would create some “trouble” but that’s how it was presented to me).
- Criss does not consider himself a magician, but an artist, blurring the line between reality and illusion.
- TONIGHT: Criss will be handcuffed and nailed into a wooden casket. He will attempt to escape before the coffin is fed into a wood chipper.
- Wood Chipper: a diesel engine, 115 horsepower ‘Vermeer BC-1800 A” model with 4 hardened tool-steel knives running at 2,500 rotations a minute.
- Criss Angel: A&E TV – Mindfreak: Season 2 – premieres Wednesday May 31st.
The moment we have all been waiting for is here. Criss gets into the coffin and is nailed in. He hands rise through two holes in the top of the casket. Criss places the handcuffs around his wrists. The wood chipper is activated. The conveyor belt moves the casket towards the sharp rotating blades. Oh, my... will Criss Angel get out before the casket reaches the wood chipper? Dave senses trouble and calls for a producer to instruct Angel’s people to turn off the wood chipper. The message does not get to them quick enough because the casket has already entered the wood chipper. We see shards of wood fly out the chute. The casket, with Criss Angel in it, is being eaten alive by the wood chipper. This makes the Tara Dakides accident look like nothing. Oh, the humanity . . . . and we forgot to have a medic standing by on the scene. Just as we were about to start making excuses to the city’s Film and Television Department, out jumps Criss Angel all in one piece! Wow! What a trick! Yes, the line between reality and illusion was blurred. How did he do this? Was it twins? And if it was twins, is it true he could only do this trick once; and if triplets, then twice?
What an illusion! He really made it look like nothing!

ACT 5: Alan: “Hey home viewers, would you like to make thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in your spare time, even millions? Well, now you can! Hi, I’m TV’s Alan Kalter. Tired of being a loser? Do you hunger to live the life of a billionaire? Well, now you can and here’s how . . . . . MELONS!
That’s right, melons. According to recent government studies, Americans love melons. Why not cash in on melonmania now? But, Alan, don’t melons require hundreds and hundreds of acres of rich, fertile cropland? WELL NOT ANY MORE! Now you can raise thousands and thousands of your favorite melons in your basement or garage with exciting new infrared lasers. That’s right, INFRARED LASERS! So let’s get started, melon farmers. Contact me, Alan Kalter, at www.I-Want-To-Be-A-Melonaire.com. You’ll be glad you did. We’ll be right back.

DIXIE CHICKS: From their new CD, “Taking the Long Way,” the Dixie Chicks performed “Not Ready to Make Nice.” I liked it. And I like the rest of the CD. I’ll be giving this one another listen.

And that was our show for Monday, May 22, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I had a garage sale weekend. On Saturday, the neighborhood had a garage sale; each placing their junk out on their driveway. I hate running a garage sale. And then on Sunday, Denise and I visited some garage sales. I love going to garage sales. We bought a Halloween scarecrow for $2, three unopened packs of 1988 baseball cards for $1.50, and 20 VCR tapes of “The Waltons” featuring 39 episodes for $5. I haven’t opened my baseball cards yet. I’m thinking of giving two to my friends. The joy of an unopened pack is the hope for a Yankee card. Once the pack is opened, the fun is gone.

I watched the Preakness this weekend. I found the word “tragedy” to be thrown around too liberally.

The Da Vinci Code – it’s not supposed to be taken as gospel.

I forgot to mention this last week. CBS had their Upfronts gala at Carnegie Hall last Wednesday. This is where the network throws a big party for potential advertisers in order for them to sponsor the new programs. All the networks do it. And Katie Couric made her first public appearance for CBS at these Upfronts. I have no idea what was said to her before her appearance but I have a feeling it was, “Don’t be perky!” Flat and droning would be a better description.

Victoria Day – from a website I forgot to remember:

“Canada, the celebration of Victoria Day occurs every year on Monday, prior to May 25th. It is the official celebration in Canada of the birthdays of Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth II. Victoria Day was established as a holiday in Canada West (Now Ontario) in 1845, and became a national holiday in 1901. Before Victoria Day became a national Holiday, people had celebrated Empire Day , beginning in the 1890s as Victoria approached her Diamond jubilee in 1897.
Victoria, queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland and empress of India was born on 24 May 1819. She ascended the throne after the death of her uncle George IV in 1837 when she was only 18. She ruled until her death in 1901 when her son Edward the VII became king of England.”

“Was that you I heard screaming down here in South Jersey on Saturday during the 9th inning of the Yankees-Mets game? In case you didn't see it, here's the scoop on the horrendous Fox editing job. Yankees down 4-0 entering the 9th. A hit and some walks off the Mets ace closer bring the Yanks to 4-2 with bases loaded. The count is 3-2 to the batter. The next pitch is crucial: a walk sends another run home. At this point, Fox decides that we need to see several Mets fans in the stands WATCHING THE GAME. When they finally decide to let us in on the secret, what we see is the batter leaving the batter's box and walking to first. WE MISSED THE CRUCIAL PITCH ENTIRELY! And no replay either, so we have no idea if was even a close pitch.”

“And speaking of bad habits, Fox, late in close games, now regularly loses focus in favor of finding close-ups of fans in all manner of dramatic anticipation, including distress and prayer. Saturday, top of the ninth, the Yanks have closed to 4-1, bases loaded, a 3-0 count to Kelly Stinnett . . . . . . and when Wagner threw ball four to force in a run, we never saw it. Fox instead had us watch a close-up of a fan watching Wagner throwing a 3-0 pitch with the bases loaded.”

This weekend, Mets reliever Billy Wagner went from the greatest reliever in their history, to the worst in their history, to being a really good reliever in a 72-hour period. Sports talk radio can be very amusing if you don’t take is seriously.