It’s America’s fastest growing quiz sensation, KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS
Tonight’s categories:
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Katie Couric
Know Your Easter Candy
Know Your Celebrities Celebrating Birthdays This Week
Know Your Mustache Styles

#1. Christy from California, via Australia.
She’s into merchandising. Her category? Know Your Easter Candy. Dave loves candy. Do you know what he also loves? I “Played the Dave” and said “booze.” Was I right? Nope. Sitting next to me, Eric Stangel, guessed “cookies.” Was he right? Yes, he was. Dave loves candy and cookies. And what is his favorite cookie? Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Question #1: These Easter Chocolate Chicks are made with what special ingredient?
Answer: Bird flu virus.
Question #2: (photo of Easter Pez dispensers) This festive candy assortment reminds us of what Easter lesson?
Answer: Jesus loved Pez.

I liked that one.

#2. John, from Atlanta.
John works PR for a power company. He’s here for a conference. Ahh, a conference. That always brings a smile to Dave’s face. Lots can happen on a conference. John’s category: Know Your Mustache Styles
Question #1: (scary guy in a fu Manchu) “What is the most common reason men grow Fu Manchu mustaches?
Answer:They enjoy saying “Fu Manchu.”
Question #2: (silhouette of Paul Teutul’s handlebar mustache): What motorcycle-building celebrity, seen on television each week, wears this handlebar mustache?
Answer: Carol Channing.

#3. Kelly, from Fresno.
She’s a real estate agent who is in New York for Easter.
Her category: Know Your Katie Couric
Question #1: New CBS employee Katie Couric is expected to do what by September?
Answer: Realize she’s made a terrible mistake.
Question #2: What do Katie Couric and outgoing CBS Evening News host Bob Schieffer have in common?
Answer: A reputation for fairness, toughness, and wearing high heels.

Back from commercial, Dave billboards the show. Paul Rudd is in the Broadway play, “Three Days of Rain,” playing at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theater at 242 West 45th Street. It’s currently in previews and opens Wednesday April 19th. I was preoccupied during this information but I sensed it went on too long. The address for the theater? Really? Was that necessary? Years ago while billboarding a Broadway play, Dave gave the theater and then wondered where it was located. What’s the address? A mad scramble ensued. Ever since, I’ve included the address on the blue card.
For a film, the blue card will include the movie title and its opening date, or “now playing.” For a Broadway play, I include the play title, the theater, the address of the theater, its opening date, and in this case, a mention that it is currently in previews. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t have included “now in previews.” There was already too much information.

WILL IT FLOAT?: Tonight’s item: a deluxe ultrasonic jewelry cleaner and tarnish remover. Dave’s never heard of such an item. He wonders if perhaps that’s what we are playing for? Nope. It’s what we are floating. . . a deluxe ultrasonic jewelry cleaner and tarnish remover. Dave, still unsure, says it will sink. Paul agrees. The models drop the deluxe ultrasonic jewelry cleaner and tarnish remover into the Will It Float? tank and it . . . . floats!
Seeing that the cue card guy has gone away, Dave asks Alan to repeat tonight’s Will It Float item. Alan hesitates ever so slightly as he reaches for his script on his pedestal. Meanwhile, the cue card guy scampers back to his post. Alan repeats, “it’s a deluxe ultrasonic jewelry cleaner and tarnish remover . . . and you didn’t ask this week if it was plastic . . . . yes, it is!”

Everything is so odd around here.

TOP TEN – REASONS I LOVE BEING AN ACCOUNTANT
Presented by 10 area accountants.
#10. CPA training ensures I’m cook in high-pressure situations, like calculating the top at Applebee’s.
#9. While other poor losers go off to work in jeans and sneakers, I get to wear a suit.
#8. You haven’t lived until you’ve filled out form 3277.
#7. What can I say, I’m an adrenaline junkie.
#6. I’m on such good terms with the IRS, I haven’t paid taxes since ’89.
#5. I like to lick the envelopes.
#4. Like the President, I only work about one month a year
#3. After April 15th, I spend the year eating Pringles and watching ‘rasslin.
#2. Women don’t expect much in the bedroom.
#1. I fudge a couple numbers and next thing you know they’re hauling Letterman’s ass off to prison.

One of the above was my cousin, David. Which one? The first reader, #10. David McIntee, of McIntee, Fusaro & Associates, LLC, Fairfield, New Jersey.

PAUL RUDD: From Overland Park, Kansas; now performing on Broadway with Julia Roberts. What’s it like in Overland Park, Kansas? Paul says, “Red. Lots of red worn by Kansas City Chiefs fans.” And Zuba pants. Or is it Zooba pants. I did a quick Google check on “zooba” and laughed when the first thing to pop up included this line:
“except those horrible Zooba pants that Chiefs fans still wear.” I think they are those zebra-striped, multi-colored pants that you think look good on you but don’t. I never knew they were called Zuba.
As a lad growing up in Kansas, Paul had a job glazing hams. This got Dave curious, wondering how you glaze a ham. Simple.
- Slice it.
- Cut off the fat.
- Sprinkle it with sugar.
- Torch it.

You probably remember Paul Rudd from his starring role in the film, Gen-Y Cops. It was a martial arts movie shot in Hong Kong. Paul still doesn’t know how he got the part, knowing nothing about martial arts and the only American in the film. We see a clip. Paul was the bleached-blond in the scene. We see him jumping out of a car seconds before it explodes. Obviously, his knowledge of glazing hams came in handy here.

“His knowledge of glazing hams came in handy here” – It sort of sounds like a joke! But it isn’t! It makes no sense. There’s no relation; no connection. It’s not a joke.

Now I’m trying to think of a joke.
How about this: How did he bleach his hair blond? Simple.
- Slice it.
- Cut off the fat.
- Sprinkle it with sugar.
- Torch it.

Still not funny, but at least it’s a callback joke.

Paul Rudd is appearing in Broadway’s “Three Days of Rain” at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theater at 242 West 45th Street. Not only does the revival have Julia Roberts, it has actual rain! Well, actually, not really rain but water performing as rain. After some minor adjustments, the first three rows of the audience do not get wet anymore.

Paul’s biggest goof-up in the show? There’s a scene where his character quotes Shakespeare, specifically, the phrase “To be or not to be, that is the question.” This is probably the most famous line in theater history. And yet, Paul couldn’t remember the second half. “To be or not to be . . . . . . .” He drew a blank. He’s still not sure how he forgot it, but he did. The audience gave a collective, “Huh?” A brain lock.

My brain lock: I remember back in high school I once forgot how to spell “of”. It was only for 5 seconds but I felt an incredible panic. “Of . . . . of . . . . how do I spell it? Uv? No . . . . what is it? Of . . . . somebody help me!”

GRETCHEN MOL: In the new film, The Notorious Bettie Page. The name Bettie Page was familiar but I couldn’t place it. Turns out she was a 1950s pin-up girl and model sensation, famous for her legendary fetish poses. Her photographs made her the target of a Senate investigation into pornography in 1955. Bettie Page’s childhood does not reflect the image she portrayed, coming from a conservative religious family from Tennessee. And in the late 1950s she retired from modeling and became devoutly Catholic. She is till alive but is not associated with the film at all. Looking back at some of the stuff Bettie Page did, it seems very tame by today’s standards. How did Gretchen bring herself to perform some of the more racy scenes in the movie? She says she adopted Bettie’s mind set at the time about the naked body: “What the harm? What’s the shame?” Obviously she never got a good look at my nude body.

ACT 5: It’s time to check in with LATE SHOW Lost and Found.
(see photo of black leather jacket)
Did you lose this leather jacket that was found in the theater two weeks ago? If so . . .
(cut to LIVE shot of Alan in the black leather jacket) . . . . too bad! Mine now, bitch!
This has been a visit to the LATE SHOW Lost and Found.
Don’t nobody go nowhere.

MARY J. BLIGE: From her CD, “The Breakthrough,” Mary J. Blige performed “Enough Crying.”

And that was our show for Friday, April 14, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

The President went to see Ice Age: The Meltdown this week. He was heard to say, “Ohhhh! NOW I get global warming!”

Hey, don’t forget to watch the 11:00 PM news on Monday. Your local news team will send a reporter to the post office to ask last-second filers why they’ve procrastinated. Oh, the fun! The same fun every year. Some in the northeast are lucky. A few states will be celebrating Patriots Day on Monday, resulting in their tax filing deadline to be Tuesday at midnight.

The New York Yankees are getting a new stadium right across the street from their old stadium. The groundbreaking is expected to be in May and the stadium is set to open for the 2009 season. The original stadium took less than 300 days to build in 1923. This new one will take nearly 3 years. Ahh, progress. From the drawings I’ve seen of the new stadium, it looks like much of what is now celebrated outside the stadium in the local Bronx restaurants, taverns and vendors may be self-contained within the confines of the Stadium complex. One drawing shows the stadium as the center of a huge mall-like setting. Once inside the “mall,” you can stroll along the exterior of the Yankee Stadium. (Again, I am guessing on all this, simply from one drawing.) I imagine the “mall,” owned by the Yankees, will provide all the restaurants and taverns and vendors one would want. The businesses now outside the stadium, visited by the thousands these days on game day, will lose out come 2009. And once that happens, there goes the charm of going to Yankee Stadium. How can the city allow this to happen? Here’s why. Because those making the decisions on the new Yankee Stadium don’t go to the local Bronx restaurants and taverns and vendors. They go from their car service, to the stadium, to their box seat.
More on this as soon as I know what I’m talking about.

From a recent USA Today:

“Connecticut: Voluntown – The Board of Selectmen is creating a taxpayer lottery. For $20, homeowners can buy into a drawing for a chance to be exempted from local taxes for a year. The average Voluntown homeowner pays an annual property tax of $3,000 to $7,000, officials say. The drawing is set for June 30.”

I read this on one of those “inspiration” calendars; words of inspiration and happy thoughts for each day of the year: ”Happiness is soaking my feet in cool, herb-filled water.”
I already see a problem with this. You mean the person who wrote this can’t be happy with just cool water? It has to be herb-filled? The most happy are those with the simplest of pleasures. This person is probably a nag.

No, that wasn’t Johnny Bench catching on 53rd Street the other night when Johnny Damon was hitting. That was me.