It's America's fastest growing quiz sensation; it's Know Your Current Events. We have 5 Big Ways To Win Big tonight:
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Chief Justices
Know Your NFL Strength and Conditioning Coaches
Know Your Unqualified George W. Bush Cronies.

CONTESTANT #1: Scott from Annapolis, Maryland. Scott is a service manager for a lawn doctor. Dave asks what we should be doing right now for the right lawn next year. Scott makes it simple:
1. Seed
2. Fertilize
3. Water.
Dave makes it simpler: SFW - Seed Fertilize Water.
Scott says his two children are probably watching the show at home right now with grandma. Dave and Scott say and wave hello to the family.
What category does Scott choose? He would like Know Your NFL Strength and Conditioning Coaches.
Question #1: "What NFL strength and conditioning coach won the coveted Emrich/Riecke/Jones Award from USA Fitness in 1993?" Answer: Dave Redding of the San Diego Chargers.
Question #2: "The Dolphins' John Gamble is a renowned weightlifter. What is his personal best in the full squat?" Answer: "892 pounds."
Vicki presents Scott with his earnings. She greets Dave, calling him Mr. Carney. She then says it's time to open the CBS Mailbag. Paul jumps into the CBS Mailbag Theme. Vicki then reads a slew of "Yo mama is so fat. . ." jokes.

CONTESTANT #2: Gabriella from Toronto. She studies dentistry Her choice of category:
Know Your Cuts of Meat.
Question #1: What is this cut of meat? Beef round top round roast.
Question #2: What is this cut of meat? Veal shoulder blade roast.
For her work, Gabriella receives a box of the finest meat in all the land; Lobel's. Dave misinterprets the box, opens is clumsily, and the vacuum-sealed meat is thrown to the floor. The pieces are quickly gathered and dispersed to nearby audience members.

And that's how we play Know Your Current Events.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of CBS Television, Mr. Les Moonves. Les? We see a looped clip of Les Moonves as Pascual the Mexican Pearl Diver from an episode of "Cannon," 1976. "My name is Pascual. My name is Pascual. My name is Pascual."

The Department of Homeland Security has announced tougher policies to keep illegal immigrants out of the country. It's a touchy issue, but the government justifies its position in this new announcement.
Announcer:

"Under a new directive from the White House, Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff has announced an unprecedented crackdown to keep illegal immigrants out of the United States. And although it's never pleasant to deny people entry into our country, President Bush is determined to keep much-needed jobs from going to illegal immigrants, so that we can set aside more jobs for unqualified Americans. America: Get lost, foreigners."

"As part of his latest stage show, David Copperfield is performing a trick in which he impregnates audience members without having sexual contact. And while pregnancy without sex is a pretty good trick, Copperfield's trick can't compare to the work of a true master, one who has worked with thousands of women to perfect the art of sex without pregnancy . . . Bill Clinton: Still the man."

MADONNA: She's sold over 200 million albums. Her newest sure-to-be-blockbuster, "Confessions On A Dance Floor" will be in stores November 15th. We take a look at a photo of her home in England. Madonna is feeding chickens in high heels. She says this was just for the photograph, as she never feeds the chickens in her high heels (and how the chickens got her high heels on I'll never know.) The reason is because the heels would sink into the ground. How many chickens does she have? 21. And they lay eggs? Madonna answers, "Yes, and sometimes they lay chickens."
Her home in England is actually the laundry room on the large estate. It was built in the 1600s. If that's the laundry house, what's the actual house look like? It must be amazing. Madonna says the owner fell on hard times, as the story goes, and took the house down brick by brick and selling brick by brick to make ends meet.

Madonna and Dave talk about being a parent. Madonna is curious about what Dave does with his Harry. Dave says he likes to go to the park. Is he still in diapers? Yes, Harry is still in diapers and it's a project they are currently working on or considering working on. Harry will be two in a couple weeks. Madonna says if a child is still in diapers at 2 years old, it's a sign of inattentive parents. "Oy," I said with a roll of the eyes. Not only is Madonna a great entertainer, but she's a child psychologist, too! Probably read a book on it once. Oh I wish I were her. Before I was a dad, I would sometimes offer advice on what I thought was the right way to raise a child. And then when I had twins I realized none of us know anything about raising children. Now the only advice I give is to love the child, try your best, stay out of the way but always be there to catch them when they fall. . . . and remember; little kids --- little problems.
One rule in Madonna's house is "no television." Dave supports that, exclaiming "There's nothing wrong with that! TV is crap!!" I agree, except for some episodes of "Green Acres."

How about video games? Dave is concerned about kids playing too much video games. Madonna rightfully points out that they can only play video games if you buy it for them. Dave agrees, and says that video games are too violent. Kids should be feeding chickens rather than playing video games. Madonna says that's true but nature can be dangerous, too, telling Dave that she once fell from a horse. She says that she heard that Dave recently fell off a horse, as well. Dave is quick to correct her, "NO, I WAS THROWN!" Madonna reasons she fell off her horse because it was a horse she was unfamiliar with. The good part about falling or being thrown from a horse is you can lose consciousness. Being on the other side of consciousness can be fun and interesting. She says it was a bit disappointing when she came to and found she had left that happy place of peace.
Dave says that out on 53rd Street we have two horses ready to take them on a ride. When we get back from commercial, the two entertainment icons will ride down 53rd Street.

ACT 5: Dave and Madonna out on 53rd Street. Madonna mounts Tie-Dye. Dave hops aboard Soda Pop. Like Dale and Roy, Dave and Madonna ride down that lonesome highway we call West 53rd Street.

MELISSA ETHERIDGE: from her new CD, "Greatest Hits: The Road Less Traveled", Melissa Etheridge performed "I Run For Life." I like Melissa and I've been meaning to pick up one of her CDs. This greatest hit one could be it. Dave and Melissia chat to close out the show. Her health is fine, she's cancer free, and all is good. She's has two children; 6 and 8. She thinks Dave is going in the right direction with this diaper thing. You can't force something like that; or maybe you can but why would you want to?
"The Road Less Traveled" - since I can't buy the album at a garage sale, I think I'll pick up the CD at the local Tower Records.

And that was our show for Thursday, October 20, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

World Series - hoping Clemens wins Game 1; Pettitte wins game 2; El Duque wins game 3; then repeat. And you can throw in a win for Contreras somewhere in there, too. The big Yankee weakness this year was pitching. I'm hoping these ex-Yankee pitchers excel. . . . for no other reason than to stir things up back here in New York. All I want is to be entertained, and for the Series to go 7 because when the World Series is over, so is the summer.
Clemens vs. Contreras in Game 1 should be pretty good fodder for the local sports talk shows.

Back on October 7th, I posted a site that explained some of the local lingo of Boston. Bill Rinehart of Toledo, Ohio shares his knowledge of one such piece of Boston verbiage: "Bang a left."

"My real intent in writing to you is to explain the true meaning of Boston's 'bang a left'. I first learned of this after my lovely innocent daughter moved to Boston in the late 1990s. There's an unwritten law in Boston that the FIRST CAR AT A RED LIGHT GETS TO TAKE A LEFT TURN BEFORE ONCOMING TRAFFIC STARTS.
Sorry for yelling, but how can this be a good thing?
If you're familiar with Boston traffic, and you're at a red light, and the light turns green, and the guy across from you punches it and turns left in front of you, you know to wait for just that one first car -- anyone after him has to wait a minute for the ensuing yellow and no oncoming traffic.
My daughter explained these are 'Boston rules', and you just pick it up. I've watched this for some ten years now, and it works smoothly. The first (and only the first) car at a red light is given a free pass to turn left -- as long as they're sprightly about it. Tarry too long, and the oncoming cars figure you're an out-of-towner, and proceed as normal. It's beautiful in practice, but I have to worry about the Boston drivers that have grown up with the 'Bang-A-Left' rule when they're in other towns. Just like I used to worry about the Californians visiting Toledo back before the 1970s -- they would hang a right-on-red-after-stopping. Having spent a year in California in the 1950s, I knew exactly what they were doing, but native Ohioans weren't ready for people 'running' red lights. Now it's a national law and everybody accepts it.
Maybe we should think about making Boston's 'Bang-A-Left' national too."

Be sure to look for the new CBS blogs covering the CBS shows, but don't worry if you miss one. The same blog will be there all week, day after day after day. The new CBS blogs updated once a week! Man, I got to get into the local Blog Union.