Dave continues to be illin’. He’s so sick he feels like Quacky the Duck. His eardrums have been replaced by what feels like trampolines. “Other than the hallucinations . . . there is nothing good about the flu.”

Do you know what today is? 5 years ago today . . . . Dave had his quintuple bypass! Dave’s advice: “If you want to do something to impress your friends . . . get one of these.”

Dave has his suspicions . . . but he can’t prove anything . . . when he was ‘under’ getting his quintuple bypass, Dave believes he may have been groped and fondled. Dave was out 5 weeks recovering, returning on February 2000.

See below for how learned of Dave’s Quintuple Bypass 5 years ago.

LATE SHOW WEEK IN REVIEW
President Bush’s main speechwriter announced he is stepping down and Dave fears the President may have trouble finding a replacement. It’s a lot of work. Dave has footage of the President preparing for his inaugural address.

We see a clip of the President. He’s is staring straight ahead, saying nothing, looking blank.

This week the Bush’s welcomed the newest family member to the White House – Miss Beazley, their new pet dog. Unfortunately, the first day was rather unpleasant, especially for Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta. We see a clip of a ferocious dog mauling Mineta.

Tom Ridge announced that there is a decline in terrorist chatter. Now someone is trying to capitalize on the news. We see a clip.

“What does the recent decline in terror chatter mean? Are the terrorists laying low before another attack? Or are they just fed up with . . . skyrocketing cell phone rates? If you’re a terrorist, there has never been a better time to make the switch to AT&T wireless. The AT&T Wireless Terror Chatter Network enables you to quickly and easily communicate plans for jihad with other radical Islamist militants. Sign up today and receive unlimited minutes on all cave to cave calls . . . and your very own goat. The AT&T Wireless Terror Chatter Network – sign up today!

Milk prices in New York are skyrocketing. Grocers are finding ingenious ways to ease the burden on consumers.

“Looking for great savings on everything your family needs? You’ll always find the best deals at Pathmark. Pick up a 64-ounce carton of Tropicana orange juice for just $2.49. Wholesome Wonder Bread is on sale for $1.39. And all expired milk is 30% off. Plus, this week only, buy one pound of Canadian Mad Cow-infected beef, get one free! Only at Pathmark, where you always get a little more.

And that was this week’s Late Show Week In Review.

It’s time for a new segment entitled Antique or Junk?” It’s replacing the very popular Will It Float? Dave and Paul will view an item. They will then determine whether the piece is an antique or if it is junk. Relax everybody, the models, the hula hoop girl and the grinder girl will be here assisting in the bit. What are we playing for? It wasn’t scripted so Alan goes to the fallback, “Dave, it’s a monkey!”

The scrim rises. The item is a lamp. Is it an antique? Or is it junk? Dave and Paul both believe it to be an antique. Alan? “It’s an antique!” This antique lamp, made in 1915, is worth $1200.

Dave hated Antique or Junk? He was very happy with Will It Float? According to Dave, what he liked about Will It Float? . . . “there always is the suggested possibility that there was a chance somebody would end up in the tank.”

TOP TEN: Perks of Being the New White House Dog
The Bush’s have a new dog, a Scottish terrier. It’s named Miss Beazley.
#10. You’re one of the few dogs that is smarter than its master.
#9. Heart worm? I think Cheney’s got a pill for that.
#3. Get the same high-quality leashes that are used on Abu Ghraib prisoners

AMY SEDARIS: Always entertaining. Her dress tonight was made by a friend with 9-and-a-half fingers. She talked about going to the dermatologist and getting fat put in her cheeks. Her neighborhood is changing. Her favorite eatery, Li-Lac Chocolates is now a lesbian bar called “Lickety Splits.” It’s very popular with very fat lesbians, or “fatties.”

Amy saw a photo of Dave and Harry in “Out” magazine.
Her make believe boyfriend Ricky was murdered in a cab.
She’s excited about her Cheeseball business, selling them out of Gourmet Garage here in New York City. They’re great in the summer at the beach.
And be sure to look for Amy’s new film, Strangers with Candy at the Sundance Film Festival.

WILL IT FLOAT? Back by popular demand! By “popular,” I mean one person. What are we playing for tonight? Alan: “A different monkey!” And what is tonight’s item? “It’s an antique lamp.”

And when was it made? “1915.” Dave and Paul both believe the antique lamp will sink. The models drop the $1200 antique lamp, unplugged, into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . SINKS!

And that’s how we play Will It Float?

$1200 antique lamp, ruined. There goes the trickle-down.

ACT 5: Here are the results of the LATE SHOW Internet Poll thus far. As of now, Antique or Junk? – zero votes.
Will It Float? – zero votes.
It’s neck and neck, so every vote counts.
Thanks for playing and keep voting, America. You’ve got to be in it to win it! We’ll be right back.

ANDY KINDLER: Andy covered text messaging, ointment, the Stone Cold Creamery; MASH on DVD; the Queer Eye; and the "Jewish Eye." I like his stuff and really like his delivery. Hope he’s back.
He’ll be at the Improv Comedy Club in Hollywood, California next weekend.

And that was our show for Friday, January 14, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

And that’s not all. Now it’s being reported that Bernard Kerik leafs through magazines at the newsstand without buying.

Brit’s Prince Harry got into some hot soup for wearing a Nazi uniform to a costume party. His father the adulterer is reported to be livid, concerned what this will do to the Royal family image. Imagine how angry Prince Charles would have been if Harry dressed as an Irishman!

Five years ago, Dave had his quintuple bypass performed on a Friday. We did 2 shows on Thursday. The 2nd show, for Friday, Dave mentioned to Regis that he would be going in for an angiogram. Dave suspected the doctors would find problems and have to perform the bypass. I was unaware of what a bypass entails so, though concerned, I didn’t fret too much over it. Plus, I wouldn’t be in on Friday, flying down to Florida to attend my brother-in-law’s wedding. This is how I reported my day, January 14, 2000.

“I’m driving myself to the airport Friday morning and I pick up the 'NY Daily News.' They have a big front-page headline and photo that reads: ‘Dave’s Heart Scare!’ I quickly turn to the article and am relieved the News is simply reporting that Dave will be undergoing an angiogram later that day. Dave said as much during Thursday night’s taping of Friday’s show. I figured the 'Daily News' was simply making a big splash of this to sell newspapers. When Dave mentioned to Regis that he would be getting an angiogram, I was not too concerned since I did not know much about angiograms. I figured it was just a simple heart procedure as a means to search and evaluate, much like the colonoscopy I’ll be receiving in the near future. Yes, I’ll be having a colonoscopy in the near future. Hopefully the NY Daily News will not run a big headline when I go for my colonoscopy: ‘Mike’s Ass Scare!’ Anyway, I’ll leave that story for another day. I read a sidebar in the 'Daily News' about angiograms. It reports that there were three possible outcomes to the angiogram:
1. 30% of the patients will be treated with heart medication.
2. 40% of the patients will receive an angioplasty – this is where a small balloon is threaded by a catheter into the blocked arteries to clear it out. Dave described this as the “roto-router” procedure.
3. and 30% will need heart bypass surgery, for the most severe artery blockages.

I was surprised at the high number for heart bypass surgery. This spiked my concern a bit as I kept a watchful eye and ear out the rest of the day for any news.

Later that day while in Florida, I hear news of Dave receiving heart surgery. I figure it’s more of what the 'Daily News' reported, hyping a minor story. Then I hear “quintuple bypass” and realize Dave is in for the major surgery. I call the show and am filled in with what they know. I’m told there will be no new shows for 3 weeks, we’ll run repeats during that time, and we’ll know more at the end of the three weeks. My immediate reaction was ‘Hey! Maybe I can extend my stay here in Florida!’ but quickly curse myself for thinking such. I say a quick prayer for Dave then try to enjoy the rest of my weekend.

Monday morning we had a staff meeting and given an update on Dave’s progress. Rob informs us that all went well and all continues to go well. Everyone is still a little stunned. In the meantime, we’ll prepare stuff for the show for when Dave returns and next week we’ll be out shooting remotes with Biff/Alan/DeLace/etc. I’ll let you know more when I know more.”

More Mall stuff. From Pat Flynn of New York.

”Did you know that the West Edmonton (Alberta) Mall has over 800 stores, almost twice as many as the Mall of America? And 110 eateries, an indoor amusement park, 2 minigolf courses, a hotel and an inn. Why there must be at least 2 dozen Starbucks alone!”

“Not to rub your faces in it, but the West Edmonton Mall is 5.3 Million square feet. See: http://www.westedmall.com/about/wemtrivia.asp.